We took the twins to the LSU/Bama game
Our six year old twins, Ellis and Hugh, have been LSU fans since the womb. They started listening to the LSU fight song in utero. Ellis was born first and is about the most positive kid you will ever meet. Hugh was born five minutes later and is mean as a snake. He peed on the doctor who delivered him. We think it's because the doctor wore red scrubs. Both boys despise all things Alabama.
My wife and I worried about taking them to the Alabama game. We figured Ellis would behave but Hugh is another story. It was never a real option. We told the boys we would leave them with their grandparents and they could watch the game on tv. They went on a hunger strike. "It's the biggest LSU game of our lives" they argued. When you are six, six years is a long time. It was either bring them or watch them starve.
My wife made Hugh a honey badger costume for Halloween that he has yet to take off and wears to all the games. Honey badgers are from Africa so she could not find a costome at Walgreens. She did find a skunk costume and told Hugh it was a honey badger. Now Hugh talks about himself in the third person. "It's time for bed" my wife will say. "Hugh doesn't care what time it is" he responds, and that is pretty much how our life with him as been the last few weeks. Hugh doesn't give ****.
He spends his day in the back yard looking for snakes and bees. Right before we left for the game Hugh found a hive and tried to eat all the honey. He has little bee stings all over his face. His mom was all freaked out. Hugh could care less.
Ellis's new costume is a mask of Les Miles with a white LSU hat perched high on his head. It is kind of creepy looking. While Hugh talks like the guy on the honey badger video, Ellis talks like Les Miles. "Did you do your homework yet, Ellis ?" his mother will ask. "The want is not there, mom, but the challenge will be fine" Ellis answers, sounding like a cross betwen Miles and Yoda.
We arrived in Tuscaloosa around two and strolled with the boys through the crowd. The wife and I were in our purple LSU gear. We are big fans, but much more laid back than the boys. Ellis wore his Miles costume. Hugh wore his honey badger costume. We walked Hugh on a leash because our homeowner's policy has no umbrella coverage.
Like most of these games, some of the home fans are nice, some not so nice. We stopped at an Alabama tailgate hosted by some Alabama folks I met through work. "Cute kids" one of the guys I knew said and offered the boys a hotdog. "Thanks for the treat, stupid" Hugh said as he took the hot dog, earning him a cuff on the back of his head from his mom.
"How about a hot dog for Les Miles" the guy asked Ellis with a laugh. "Thank you sir" Ellis (our polite son) answered. "Have a great day". Ellis ends just about every sentence with "have a great day" now and mixes up his nouns and verbs. My friend thought the kids were funny.
Some other Bama fans nearby were not as friendly. They had some kids a few years older than the twins dressed in red who were taunting the twins with roll tide cheers. Ellis tiger baited them back. Hugh shot the kids the bird and then started growling with his hands stuck out into little claws in full honey badger mode. I knew Hugh was going to get me into a fight before the day was over.
The father of the Bama's kids took issue with Hugh's salute and I saw hime walking towards my wife along with his four brothers or brother in laws or whoever the hell they were. Great. Now I am in trouble. She is the most laid back person in the world, but just don't say anything about her cubs.
"Your kid in the skunk costume just shot my kid the bird" he said to her, and "What's wrong with his face" he added apparently in reference to the bee stings. "He's not a skunk, he's a honey badger" she answered "and you best keep your inbred kids away from him because he don't give a ****". Inbred kids? Did she have to go there? Now I have to step in. Hugh and his mother are going to get me in a fight with a fat, backwoods guy wearing a houndstooth cap.
"I wouldn't mess with the honey badger or his mama" I heard from behind me in a thick cajun accent. It seems a handful of LSU fans wandering through the crowd had observed the situation and decided Hugh was out numbered. I thought the Alabama redneck guys looked scary. LSU has its own brand of batshit crazy fans and four of them were taking the honey badger's side. Ellis had now moved into position next to his younger (by five minutes) brother Hugh and had his little fists all balled up staring down the three Bama kids.
I knew when we took the twins at some point Hugh would say something which would cause his mother to say something which would get me in trouble. More Alabama fans had come over to see what was happening which caused more LSU fans to gather and start chanting ELLIS-HUGH - ELLIS-HUGH - ELLIS-HUGH. Hugh was up on one hind leg now with his knee pulled up on his other leg and his teeth bared. It's like he was confusing the Karate Kid movie with honey badger video.
"Hold on a minute now" I heard my friend from Alabama who was hosting the tailgate say just as I was about to step in. He had been watching the whole thing trying to keep a straight face. "The honey badger and little Les are our guests. How about we let the teams settle this on the field and the rest of us have a beer?" he added defusing the whole situation.
That probably made more sense than getting into a brawl with six year old kids. Cooler heads prevailed and everyone shook hands and returned to arguing about the game. Hugh laid down and closed his eyes.
After a while one of the other Bama guys kind of warmed up and apologized to my wife. "Your little skunk has got a lot of fight in him" the big guy said. "We like that. Looks like the little feller is worn out". We knew better. Hugh was doing his pretend like he got bit by a cobra sleep. It was a good time for us to head to the game before he woke up and bit the guy's kid.
My wife scooped up her little honey badger and I picked up Ellis. We went over to thank my Alabama friend for the hospitality and wish him fake luck for the game. Ellis wiggled to the ground and beat us there. He pulled his hat as high up on his head, extended his hand and said "Thank you sir for the nourishment. It will be an honor to defeat the team in red tonight. Have a great day".
so says st dude
Last edited by st dude; 11-23-2011 at 11:01 AM.