| Do’s and Don’ts of Talking to Someone with Hoarding Disorder |
| DO . . . |
| Educate yourself about hoarding disorder first. You may be tempted to view hoarding as a choice or personal failing on the part of the hoarder. But the more you understand about the disorder, the easier it is to be empathetic towards your loved one and offer the most appropriate support. |
| Listen and use the same language when talking about their possessions. People who hoard aren’t any more likely to refer to their possessions as “junk” or “garbage” than the rest of us. Listen to how your loved one refers to their possessions—as “collections” or “things,” for example—and follow their lead. It can help you build trust and understanding. |
| Focus on the safety aspects. Instead of telling your loved one that hoarding is wrong or that no one should live in such mess, focus on the concerns you have for their safety. Emphasizing harm reduction and how you can work together to reduce the risk of accidents or eliminate fire hazards, for example, can often kick-start the process of change. |
| Offer to help. People who hoard often struggle with decision-making and finding the motivation to change. While it’s rarely easy for any of us to accept help from others, your assistance and understanding can be crucial. The key is to offer to work together, at your loved one’s pace. |
| Encourage the hoarder to seek professional help. Even when a hoarder recognizes they have a problem, they can struggle to take the appropriate steps. You can help by offering to research therapists, support groups, and treatment programs in your area. Talk to them about the options available—and offer to accompany your loved one on appointments if that will help to keep them on track. |
| DON’T . . . |
| Be judgmental. People with hoarding disorder are often socially isolated and feel guilt and shame about their situation. Whether it’s in the words you use or your body language, try to listen without negatively judging the person. |
| Argue with the person. Trying to take control or force the hoarder to act in a certain way will only foster anger and resentment—and even make the hoarder more determined to keep their possessions. The attachment your loved one has for their possessions is real and no amount of arguing will change that. |
| Try to minimize the challenge. Hoarding disorder doesn’t have simple solutions and it takes more than simply clearing away the clutter to address the problem. Just as hoarding developed as a gradual problem, so too recovery will likely be a gradual process, one small step at a time. Recognize that there will likely be setbacks and be prepared for resistance from your loved one when you express your concerns or ideas. |
| Be discouraging. It’s easy to grow frustrated when talking to your loved one and focus only on the negative. But that will just make the hoarder more defensive. Instead, try to be encouraging by acknowledging positive aspects about their home first—the stairs are clear of objects so they won’t trip or there’s still space on a kitchen counter for them to prepare food, for example. Then you can explore ways of building on that—if the stove was clear of objects as well, that would make it less of a fire hazard to use, or if the pathway from the stairs was a little wider, that would make it safer to move around. |
| Tell the person what to discard or touch their possessions without consent. The items being hoarded may seem worthless to you, but it’s important to allow the hoarder to feel in control. Remain respectful, let your loved one decide what to get rid of, and ask permission before touching anything. |