Im 35 years old and live with my 81 year old grandmother

I'm in a similar boat. I'm about to have to move back in with a family member due to rent prices having far outpaced my salary.

I struggle with a lot of the same things you discuss. I feel like I've failed at starting a life for myself. I look at everyone else in my age cohort and feel far behind them financially, romantically, etc. I'm in my late 30's and feel like I'll never be able to own a home, or have a family, or even be financially secure. I have severe anxiety issues over all of this. The other day I had a terrible panic attack in the middle of the afternoon that was triggered by all of this. I've been having them more frequently in general. Have even been having them at work, which is inconvenient when you're a teacher.

I've struggled with the idea that my mom died disappointed in me. This was never said and my therapist says it's me projecting my own disappointment with myself onto the situation, which is probably accurate. But it's still there.

I go through bouts of improvement and positivity. Things will seem better for a while. Then I get bogged down focusing on things I feel I have no real control over: being physically unattractive, having a horrible voice, embarrassment at my teeth that I don't have the means to correct, etc. And then I spiral again.

I've had a terrible few years. I think for a long time I clinged to the hope of "It'll work out," and now here I am on the wrong side of 38 and nothing has really worked out.