Your Own Mortality

When I was five my sister died but she had lived in the hospital so it didn't register with me. A few months later my grandmother died of a heart problem at 51. I remember running through the house looking for her. Once again, it just didn't hit.

When I was seven, a classmate died of cancer. I remember realizing that it could happen to anyone. Despite losing my sister, it hadn't occurred to me that kids could die

At 51 I started having heart problems. I thought about my grandmother. Suddenly, 51 wasn't so old. Now I have leg problems. Next week I'm going to have some procedures done to help with that. If that doesn't work, I'll seek another option, but I can't live like this. My Mom lost the use of her legs, and was disabled in her 50's. The thought doesn't leave my mind. She caught the flu. Refused to go to the doctor. Laid down for a nap and didn't wake up. I know what she did. She had talked about it. Now, I understand it.

Dying isn't my fear. It's how I die that scares me. I had a coworker die from COVID lung damage. He hung on for six months and never left the hospital. No thanks. My other grandmother had dementia and was in a home for a long time. That was horrible.

There's a lot of things that are worse than death.