unfortunately my response will sound like typical defensiveness, but the only way we would reconcile (that I can see atm) is if my wife did a lot of self-repair
ostensibly she is still carrying a lot of unresolved trauma from her teen years, then with the second child there was a big hormonal shift (that she would admit to) and some (also admitted) perimenopausal changes
i'd hoped/asked for awhile for us to get help, but the trauma stuff has a lot of catch-22 self-sabotaging
like when she's upset she claims that 'we' drifted apart but she is never able to give me any examples of my pulling away from her
(and yes, I understand I'm telling the story so I get to play hero/victim, but she hasn't been able to provide a counter-narrative, so...)