clearing the deck - the marriage status thread

Deuuuuce said
.... I was married about 6 years. I thought we were perfect for eachother. We enjoyed the same music, enjoyed nature, would go on vacations every year, and had a comfortable life. I was blind sided when i found out she was making plans without me and suddenly all this stuff came out that I was unaware of. We tried to work it out via counseling, but the trust wasn’t there anymore and we wound up getting a divorce. Definitely the most difficult thing I’ve ever been through .....

This makes me think about a boyfriend I had in my mid 20s. At the time we met, he was way more into me than I was into him. But we kept running into each other until he grew on me and we started hanging out. I was surprised to learn he was already divorced having gotten married basically right after high school after a couple years. He didn't really tell me much and I didn't ask the questions I should have; but the understanding I had was that he had been totally in love with her (his words) and it was she who broke up the marriage.

Well, I just didn't appreciate how messed up he was about it still and that he wasn't ready for another relationship yet given how much he had pursued me and we'd be good for a little while and then he'd ghost me and then like a dummy -- because by this time I was into him -- we'd just get back together and never once have a serious heart to heart. Over 2 years we repeated this a couple times and I just kept thinking one of these times it would just work out. It was never gonna because he couldn't have any respect for me for how I let him treat me and he still needed time to get over his divorce. I haven't talked to him for 35 years because I don't live in the same area anymore. But I know he eventually did get remarried and had a son; and looking back now, I don't think I ever really did love him. We were just young and he wasn't a bad guy (he was not an abuser), just hadn't dealt with apparently being blindsided by a divorce he didn't want at the time that kept him from seeing how much of an arse he was being.

There's so much you're stupid about in your 20s thinking, Oh, it'll all work out, even though you hadn't worked on your ish. You gotta work on your ish or nothing is ever gonna be different no matter how many times you get married.