clearing the deck - the marriage status thread

Madmarsha said
This makes me think about a boyfriend I had in my mid 20s. At the time we met, he was way more into me than I was into him. But we kept running into each other until he grew on me and we started hanging out. I was surprised to learn he was already divorced having gotten married basically right after high school after a couple years. He didn't really tell me much and I didn't ask the questions I should have; but the understanding I had was that he had been totally in love with her (his words) and it was she who broke up the marriage.

Well, I just didn't appreciate how messed up he was about it still and that he wasn't ready for another relationship yet given how much he had pursued me and we'd be good for a little while and then he'd ghost me and then like a dummy -- because by this time I was into him -- we'd just get back together and never once have a serious heart to heart. Over 2 years we repeated this a couple times and I just kept thinking one of these times it would just work out. It was never gonna because he couldn't have any respect for me for how I let him treat me and he still needed time to get over his divorce. I haven't talked to him for 35 years because I don't live in the same area anymore. But I know he eventually did get remarried and had a son; and looking back now, I don't think I ever really did love him. We were just young and he wasn't a bad guy (he was not an abuser), just hadn't dealt with apparently being blindsided by a divorce he didn't want at the time that kept him from seeing how much of an arse he was being.

There's so much you're stupid about in your 20s thinking, Oh, it'll all work out, even though you hadn't worked on your ish. You gotta work on your ish or nothing is ever gonna be different no matter how many times you get married.

I recently went out with a guy a few times. Really nice guy. Ex NFL player (nobody major & this was like 2000-05). Has a great job, still in incredible shape… but he’s going through a divorce and was only 4 months into “the process”, 3 of those 4 months he had spent thinking they were on a trial separation & he would be going home after only to be told a month prior to meeting me that it was not a trial any longer.

they had been together off & on since college and married about 20 years & have some kids. I recall on the 2nd & last date him asking me “so how do you feel about this/us?” And I was like look, it would be remiss to not acknowledge that you are really only 1 month into this after basically being with the same person for the better part of 25 years. There will be a lot of shifting emotions and things to deal with moving forward and a lot of healing - plus you guys haven’t even started the process of dividing up assets and belongings, custody, selling the house. It’s going to get ugly.”

The only thing so far that had been done was that she filed & moved him out. While he has a really good job, I’m 110% sure that she out-earns him by a lot. She’s kind of a big deal. So it’s definitely going to get ugly.

He was trying hard to plead his case that he was over it & ready to move on. That was the moment when I knew I would never see him again. You don’t just get over 25 years with someone in a month & explained to him that accepting that the relationship ended & there would not be reconciliation is not the same thing as being “over it” and also in a good mental space to move on and try to begin a life with someone new.

I called it off because walking a man through his divorce is not my ministry. He’s good looking, articulate & has a great job. I’m sure he will find some woman willing to do that, it just won’t be me.