clearing the deck - the marriage status thread

Tapxe said
I'm going to take you to task on this.

It's 100% possible to be in a relationship where the wife does not communicate and values around the kids changed in her mind but she never told him. I've been thru that so ur assumptions are simply that assumptions in my opinion.

From my pov and possibly his, you decided u knew everything about the man and got turned off because he was willing to be vulnerable. Men don't get a whole lot of help figuring out emotions and we do it much differently than women. He got judgement and rejection in a difficult time.

My therapist would ask me if I self-sabotaged by not even giving someone a chance to prove who they are and who they are becoming. I mean, here's a person willing to be open and honest with me and rather than communicate I projected my insecurities on them instead of opening up and connecting to that vulnerability. Was I the one not ready to move forward?

I think you're triangulating & taking my decision to not date a man that is very fresh out of a 25 year relationship & 20 year marriage too personally and clearly from a position of rejection or whatever it is you seem to be going through (because this is twice in 2 separate threads where you seem to be placing all the blame on a woman for what you seem to be alluding to exploiting a man being vulnerable).

I don't believe it's possible that there was a lack of communication. No communication is a form of communication. You don't spend 25 years together, have children that are teenagers and overnight someone decides to get separated and divorced because you were too hard on y'all's son over sports that he's played his entire life. If that is the case, there were clearly some underlying issues that were swept under the rug and never addressed by either of them. Plus, as I mentioned, that's only HIS version of the reasons.

No matter how bad a marriage is, barring some sort of real abuse, is it ever one person's fault. One person's actions may have been more catipulting than the other but usually, there is plenty of blame to go around. Sometimes it isn't the actions you took that led to divorce but your inactions.

I didn't get turned off because he was vulnerable with me. I was turned off because he is still very much married, not over his still-wife and a 25 year relationship/20 year marriage and has not accepted any accountability for why things went wrong - at least he didn't to me. I actually respect that he was at least open and honest because most men would lie and try to make me believe one thing while doing another. I didn't insult him or do anything other than make a choice not to date him because he has some things he needs to do before dragging another person into his life.