Poll At what point do you say something? (1 Viewer)

When can/should you say anything?

  • 3 weeks

    Votes: 7 43.8%
  • 5 weeks

    Votes: 3 18.8%
  • 7 weeks

    Votes: 1 6.3%
  • Never.

    Votes: 5 31.3%

  • Total voters
    16

parlorcitysaint

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Here's the hypothetical:

You and your long term girlfriend have separate homes, partly due to schedule differences, and partly because both of you enjoy your time away from "the world". Your day starts at 4:30 am, and that's when she's usually getting in bed. You work for an international corporation, and she owns a country "mom and pop" restaurant.

You have family 100 miles away who you go and visit occasionally (go there Saturday, drive back Sunday), while she has an unmarried brother who comes to visit 3 or 4 times a year. He camps out on the sofa, and lends a hand in the restaurant (usually). He also cleans her out of "his whiskey", which is a must have for the restaurant, so it gets replaced when gone, and eats on her dime. Generally, he'll stay for a week or two. This time, he's found a girlfriend, and he's still here after seven weeks. Her apartment has basically become a flophouse between his dates and his evenings at the restaurant's bar.

He does laundry, but only his things. In the seven weeks, he's done dishes once and bought lunch once

At what point is saying ANYTHING merited? You realize that "it's not your place", but your patience is wearing thinner with each passing weekend that any thoughts of "togetherness" are dismissed because he... remains.
 
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guidomerkinsrules

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Well obviously you don’t lead with, “hey let me explain why your brother sucks”
Have y’all not had conversations about childhoods?
Ask open/non-leading questions about her and his relationship from back in the day and let her bring up issues if she has any
 

Saint Tex

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Guido is right. It’s not just is this the right time, but what gets said.

nobody can give you the right words. But in this situation, in looking for guidance on what those words are, I focus on my motive. is the motive in speaking up here because you can’t stand her brother? Yeah, probably partly. But think about what gets you to that feeling. It’s how he treats her, and ultimately that comes because you care about her That is making you want to say something. I’ve found when I let love be the guiding motive, the words, and the timing, will come.

sending you and all involved, including that brother, a prayer.
 

CapitalCitySaint

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Well obviously you don’t lead with, “hey let me explain why your brother sucks”
Have y’all not had conversations about childhoods?
Ask open/non-leading questions about her and his relationship from back in the day and let her bring up issues if she has any
Piggy backing on this, sounds like OP should have a conversation with the girlfriend about boundaries and why she has none with her brother?

People only do to you what you allow. While it would be great if the brother wasn’t a mooch & considerate, more important question is why your gf has not set boundaries for her place & things when it comes to him.
 
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parlorcitysaint

parlorcitysaint

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To clarify: you and she HAVE talked about the issue, but she fears alienating him if she says something. YOU have zero concern about alienating HIM, but rather HER, as it's her brother, and her home.

They're half siblings who found each other as young adults, so the whole "childhood bond" thing isn't the same as if they'd been raised under the same roof.
 

guidomerkinsrules

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To clarify: you and she HAVE talked about the issue, but she fears alienating him if she says something. YOU have zero concern about alienating HIM, but rather HER, as it's her brother, and her home.

They're half siblings who found each other as young adults, so the whole "childhood bond" thing isn't the same as if they'd been raised under the same roof.
sounds like you just gave your own answer
this is not a hill your GF is willing to die on - you have to ask yourself if this is a deal breaker for you
even if she ultimately chooses you over confronting/(alienating) her brother, you would still bear the weight of 'making' her choose and the loss it caused
- if you decide that the relationship is more important that your response to the brother, then you just have to figure out how you're going to support your GF
 

Bleu Raeder

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At what point is saying ANYTHING merited? You realize that "it's not your place", but your patience is wearing thinner with each passing weekend that any thoughts of "togetherness" are dismissed because he... remains.
Never.

Unless she brings it up this is her brother and her house. She has to have enough empathy to know that this is wearing a bit thin on you. If she doesn't have that realization (or if she has it and takes no action) then you know where you stand with her. The question you must ask yourself is, "am I OK with that?"

Any conversation started by you, regardless of how you couch it, cannot end well for you. You will always look like the bad guy. Take it from experience.
 

Brennan77

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Never.

Unless she brings it up this is her brother and her house. She has to have enough empathy to know that this is wearing a bit thin on you. If she doesn't have that realization (or if she has it and takes no action) then you know where you stand with her. The question you must ask yourself is, "am I OK with that?"

Any conversation started by you, regardless of how you couch it, cannot end well for you. You will always look like the bad guy. Take it from experience.
Yep. It's not your problem or place. It's her house, her business, her brother. You aren't married and do not share a home. Stay out of it.
 

Kegger

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It sounds like you've talked with her about it? If she's asked you for help, then she probably wants you to tell him what she feels she can't. I would probably tell him something like "you're welcome to stay, but you gotta pitch in: i.e. pay for what you eat + drink and clean up after yourself. If you can't do that you can't stay here". Maybe practice the convo with your GF first.

Odds are he'll get pissy, but I think you're GF would appreciate it and she's the relationship you care about.
 

SystemShock

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Given the information available, if I were in that situation, I'd speak up, and be as matter of fact and straight to the point as I can.

I see my choices as either speaking up now or putting up with the half brother for the foreseeable future. I much rather face the consequences of speaking up now, than put up with the half brother for the foreseeable future, especially if I can see the relationship go beyond the current situation; i.e., move in together, marriage; and if I am seeing moochness levels rise.
 
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jasonsw

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If this were a threat to happen at your place of prevent you from moving in with her. Which is what im guessing your worried about, this is something to keep an eye on. If you two move in together that is when i say things regarding her brother can be an issue.

Moving in together is a major step and a big adjustment for both people in a relationship. Having/or the worry of any person around could be a major obstacle or slow its development.
 
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I think you are missing out on the opportunity.

Clearly she is willing to put up her brother. You need a small coup of sorts to get him on her bad side just enough that she'll send him packing. She likes to have someone dependent on her so you just need to make sure it's you and not him.
 

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