Poll At what point do you say something? (1 Viewer)

When can/should you say anything?

  • 3 weeks

    Votes: 7 43.8%
  • 5 weeks

    Votes: 3 18.8%
  • 7 weeks

    Votes: 1 6.3%
  • Never.

    Votes: 5 31.3%

  • Total voters
    16

parlorcitysaint

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Here's the hypothetical:

You and your long term girlfriend have separate homes, partly due to schedule differences, and partly because both of you enjoy your time away from "the world". Your day starts at 4:30 am, and that's when she's usually getting in bed. You work for an international corporation, and she owns a country "mom and pop" restaurant.

You have family 100 miles away who you go and visit occasionally (go there Saturday, drive back Sunday), while she has an unmarried brother who comes to visit 3 or 4 times a year. He camps out on the sofa, and lends a hand in the restaurant (usually). He also cleans her out of "his whiskey", which is a must have for the restaurant, so it gets replaced when gone, and eats on her dime. Generally, he'll stay for a week or two. This time, he's found a girlfriend, and he's still here after seven weeks. Her apartment has basically become a flophouse between his dates and his evenings at the restaurant's bar.

He does laundry, but only his things. In the seven weeks, he's done dishes once and bought lunch once

At what point is saying ANYTHING merited? You realize that "it's not your place", but your patience is wearing thinner with each passing weekend that any thoughts of "togetherness" are dismissed because he... remains.
 
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saintmdterps

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sounds like you just gave your own answer
this is not a hill your GF is willing to die on - you have to ask yourself if this is a deal breaker for you
even if she ultimately chooses you over confronting/(alienating) her brother, you would still bear the weight of 'making' her choose and the loss it caused
- if you decide that the relationship is more important that your response to the brother, then you just have to figure out how you're going to support your GF
And there are no assurances that if the OP and his GF move to a more "permanent" arrangement, that brother doesn't show up at their "new" house with the same expectations of being allowed to crash on the couch like a 22 year-old.

No use diagnosing the brother because that's neither asked for nor indicated. Does the GF allow others to treat her house as a crash pad, and if not why is step-brother allowed to do so?
 

saintmdterps

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Never.

Unless she brings it up this is her brother and her house. She has to have enough empathy to know that this is wearing a bit thin on you. If she doesn't have that realization (or if she has it and takes no action) then you know where you stand with her. The question you must ask yourself is, "am I OK with that?"

Any conversation started by you, regardless of how you couch it, cannot end well for you. You will always look like the bad guy. Take it from experience.
If the expectation set within the relationship was that the OP spent a significant amount of time at GF house, then I think intervention is OK. Otherwise I'll agree with you.

When you're in a relationship you get the family too, warts and all.
 

Saint_Ward

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I'd probably not say anything. But, if I did, I'd just say, "wow, he's staying a lot longer than usual, what's up?" or "how do you feel about all that?"

If she expresses frustration and being unsure. Then you can dip your toe in, at your own risk. If she's cool with it, then shut up.
 

Saint_Ward

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One additional thought...

If this is causing stress in your relationship, and you'd consider breaking up.. well, then you may want to have a chat before it gets that far. Or, just break up. Maybe this is the deal breaker.
 

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