helping a friend in legal trouble that has led to life trouble (1 Viewer)

Zack Lee

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I have a friend who other than narcotic use in the past is not a criminal. He is a 60ish man that comes from a local big money family but he has a gambling addiction and gambled away his inheritance. So in later life he has had to take to small time jobs, the most recent is driving for Lyft. About four months ago he won about 2000 in the casino and so he called this leech woman friend who is half his age and only comes around when he has money. He took the woman shopping at a local mall and he had about $900 dollars in merchandise paying at the register. Stuff for both him and her. They leave the department store and go get coffee when he remembers he meant to buy a tie. So as they are returning to the same store, a security guard stops them and asks to see in the bags. This women had slipped a bottle of perfume in one of the bags. I know my friend would not let her deal with her take the full heat. Long story short they were both written tickets.

When Lyft ran his name for their quarterly background checks, it came up and he was suspended. He has since barely survived paying rent, eating etc and has become suicidal. I am not the kind of person who will get involved with drama people who say that for attention. There is not much doubt in my mind that he is the type that might follow through. And it is also neither here nor there that not driving for Lyft may have very well saved his life. I can't reason that way with him. So I want to help. I suggested that he see if he can get a face to face with the manager of the store and explain his side without trying to defend or interpret the motives of his female friend. I know that he probably didn't do that.

so I am going to get him groceries today but I wanted to know what else I might do. Should I call the department store (he has his receipt thank God) There is no doubt in my mind that they way my friend is with money that if the department store had told him his items were twice as much he would have just handed it over without a second thought. Or should I get online and see if I can get a pro bono project involved. I just feel helpless for my friend and don't know how I can actually help.
 
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Zack Lee

Zack Lee

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oh and a key component that I forgot is that his case has been kicked down the line a couple of times due to covid. So I was trying to help him get it resolved faster than what the courts currently can although I am aware that may be futile.
 

Brennan77

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You can't fix his material problems. If he asks for advice, give it. If he wants to spend time with a friend, do it. Apart from helping here and there with groceries, you just can't get that involved and handle things for him. He's not the victim and the worst thing you can do is to facilitate that mindset.

I've got someone close to me who sounds very similar to your friend. You can help them navigate the problems as much as they ask. But it's their problems and you can't take it on yourself.
 
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Zack Lee

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I agree and I am very reluctant to touch stuff like this at all. He told me about this end of last week. This was the very first thing I thought about when I woke up this morning and often when that happens it turns out to seem like intuition. I just started this to make sure I’m not missing something simple.
 

superchuck500

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I have a friend who other than narcotic use in the past is not a criminal. He is a 60ish man that comes from a local big money family but he has a gambling addiction and gambled away his inheritance. So in later life he has had to take to small time jobs, the most recent is driving for Lyft. About four months ago he won about 2000 in the casino and so he called this leech woman friend who is half his age and only comes around when he has money. He took the woman shopping at a local mall and he had about $900 dollars in merchandise paying at the register. Stuff for both him and her. They leave the department store and go get coffee when he remembers he meant to buy a tie. So as they are returning to the same store, a security guard stops them and asks to see in the bags. This women had slipped a bottle of perfume in one of the bags. I know my friend would not let her deal with her take the full heat. Long story short they were both written tickets.

When Lyft ran his name for their quarterly background checks, it came up and he was suspended. He has since barely survived paying rent, eating etc and has become suicidal. I am not the kind of person who will get involved with drama people who say that for attention. There is not much doubt in my mind that he is the type that might follow through. And it is also neither here nor there that not driving for Lyft may have very well saved his life. I can't reason that way with him. So I want to help. I suggested that he see if he can get a face to face with the manager of the store and explain his side without trying to defend or interpret the motives of his female friend. I know that he probably didn't do that.

so I am going to get him groceries today but I wanted to know what else I might do. Should I call the department store (he has his receipt thank God) There is no doubt in my mind that they way my friend is with money that if the department store had told him his items were twice as much he would have just handed it over without a second thought. Or should I get online and see if I can get a pro bono project involved. I just feel helpless for my friend and don't know how I can actually help.
When is the court date on his ticket? Will his Lyft suspension get "lyfted" (hee hee) if the ticket is dismissed?

Also Brennan is right.
 
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Zack Lee

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When is the court date on his ticket? Will his Lyft suspension get "lyfted" (hee hee) if the ticket is dismissed?

Also Brennan is right.
it comes up in about a month. I am going to look at that today. And you guys are reinforcing my gut instincts. I just don’t want to look in the rear view mirror and realize I missed something
 

Bayouboy

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You can't fix his material problems. If he asks for advice, give it. If he wants to spend time with a friend, do it. Apart from helping here and there with groceries, you just can't get that involved and handle things for him. He's not the victim and the worst thing you can do is to facilitate that mindset.

I've got someone close to me who sounds very similar to your friend. You can help them navigate the problems as much as they ask. But it's their problems and you can't take it on yourself.
Excellent advice. If he lost his entire inheritance due to drugs and gambling, and you are providing him with groceries after he blew two grand from the casino on his lady friend.....all you are doing is enabling him to continue the behavior. As hard as it may be, leave it alone. Be there for support, but don't be the crutch.
 

superchuck500

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it comes up in about a month. I am going to look at that today. And you guys are reinforcing my gut instincts. I just don’t want to look in the rear view mirror and realize I missed something
He needs to take care of that. He needs to go down there and say she did it - and he had no idea she was doing it, and this whole thing has cost him his job.
 

Saint by the Bay

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Listen to @Brennan77 . We got too involved in trying to help someone and it led to multiple police and CPS visits to my house (for her kids, not ours) and culminated with her nearly attacking my wife who had taken guardianship of her baby so she wouldn't lose him. It was an insane situation and ultimately all of our sacrifices amounted to nothing because she wasn't ready or willing to take responsibility for her actions.

You can be supportive, but you can't do it for them.
 
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Zack Lee

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He needs to take care of that. He needs to go down there and say she did it - and he had no idea she was doing it, and this whole thing has cost him his job.
yes that’s the part that is difficult. I’m telling him this and he is saying the right things to me. But he is one of those guys that isn’t smart when it comes to women. If they say something that triggers him he will be defensive of her and shoot himself in the foot. That’s where I can’t help him.
 
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Zack Lee

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Excellent advice. If he lost his entire inheritance due to drugs and gambling, and you are providing him with groceries after he blew two grand from the casino on his lady friend.....all you are doing is enabling him to continue the behavior. As hard as it may be, leave it alone. Be there for support, but don't be the crutch.
yea the drugs are long gone. The gambling is not under control as far as I am concerned but he was getting by ok. Was eating good paying bills etc. He just never had to learn early on how to be good with money. And he is one of those guys that is a sucker with women too. You can't fix that part. Ive tried with those guys too many times. They always say "yea yea your right" and all the other stuff and then fall apart when they are back in the company of a woman. And women are often just as bad, its just been more my experience trying to help men.
 

St. Chris

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I don't have any connections in Jefferson. If it was in Lafayette area, I might have been able to help.

Also, for anyone interested, NEVER take responsibility for someone else breaking the law. Just a heap of trouble for yourself.
 
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He needs to take care of that. He needs to go down there and say she did it - and he had no idea she was doing it, and this whole thing has cost him his job.
Couple things

  1. Maybe the store has security footage which could show who put the perfume in the bag.
  2. If they'd already left the store and are returning, then how can the security at the store be certain that the perfume wasn't put in the bag from somewhere other than the store?
Seems I either don't understand the scenario or there's a huge hole in the stores side and they shouldn't be issuing a ticket.
 
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Zack Lee

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Couple things

  1. Maybe the store has security footage which could show who put the perfume in the bag.
  2. If they'd already left the store and are returning, then how can the security at the store be certain that the perfume wasn't put in the bag from somewhere other than the store?
Seems I either don't understand the scenario or there's a huge hole in the stores side and they shouldn't be issuing a ticket.
yep definately. He tells me she swears she thought it had been scanned. And he knows to doubt her truthfulness but I’m willing to bet that in the moment he put his cape on and thought he was being chivalrous. but he had just spent 900 in the store and was going back to spend more. They should have reviewed footage at that time and just charged her imo.
 

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