I am in a Joke mood today (1 Viewer)

Cajun Mike

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A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”
I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?…. do you understand?!!”
I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull…. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs
“Your badge, show him your BADGE!!”:spit::ezbill:
 

Frank The Rat

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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
 

Buickman

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An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
 

Frank The Rat

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An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
ROTFLMBO!!!!:smilielol:
 

Zack Lee

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a man walks into a bar and sits down next to another man. After ordering a beer he looks over at the other man and is astounded to see in front of him on the bar a very small piano and a very small man, not much bigger than a doll sitting at the piano. He asks the man sitting next to him what on earth that is about to which the man replies "go ahead and make a request, he can play anything" Ok, the man thinks "play She is Always a Woman" The little piano player begins and plays the song perfectly. The bars newest patron is blown away. After a few more songs, he turns to the man on the stool beside him and says "Where did you find him"

The man takes out a lamp and says "I found this on a beach. Inside is a genie who will grant you one wish if you rub it. That is how I got him" The man is skeptical but asks if the man can prove it. "Go ahead rub it" The man jumps at the opportunity and rubs the lamp. Low and behold, out comes a Genie and Says " Make your wish" The man squints and makes his wish and away goes the Genie back in the bottle. A minute later the bar door bursts open and the biggest flock of ducks begins to flood into the bar. "What is this?" The man screams at the owner of the lamp, "I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!!" To which the man screams in reply "The Genie is def!!! You didn't think I really wished for a 10 inch Pianist did you!!!"

ok, typing practice is over for today.:hihi:
 

saintingeorgia

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a man walks into a bar and sits down next to another man. After ordering a beer he looks over at the other man and is astounded to see in front of him on the bar a very small piano and a very small man, not much bigger than a doll sitting at the piano. He asks the man sitting next to him what on earth that is about to which the man replies "go ahead and make a request, he can play anything" Ok, the man thinks "play She is Always a Woman" The little piano player begins and plays the song perfectly. The bars newest patron is blown away. After a few more songs, he turns to the man on the stool beside him and says "Where did you find him"

The man takes out a lamp and says "I found this on a beach. Inside is a genie who will grant you one wish if you rub it. That is how I got him" The man is skeptical but asks if the man can prove it. "Go ahead rub it" The man jumps at the opportunity and rubs the lamp. Low and behold, out comes a Genie and Says " Make your wish" The man squints and makes his wish and away goes the Genie back in the bottle. A minute later the bar door bursts open and the biggest flock of ducks begins to flood into the bar. "What is this?" The man screams at the owner of the lamp, "I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!!" To which the man screams in reply "The Genie is def!!! You didn't think I really wished for a 10 inch Pianist did you!!!"

ok, typing practice is over for today.:hihi:
I think you need more practice-type us another one.
These are great. please give us more!
 

Galbreath34

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When the Dalai Lama was visiting the UN in New York City he was appalled to see one of his entourage taking a hot dog from a street vendor. "Brother, we don't eat meat. What are you doing?" "He asked if I'd like for him to make me one with everything."
 

MrEMann83

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This big buff guy walks into a bar, sits down to watch the football game. After about 5 mins he notices a pretty flamboyant looking man a few stools over staring at him. Getting annoyed with the guy staring at him, he aggressively looks over and says:

"Can I help you with something?"

To which the flamboyant man says in a ladys voice with a lisp:

"I was just wondering if you play football."

The man says "Yea, I played in college. Its been a while though."

The flamboyant man says, "I could tell as soon as you walked in. I play football too."

The buff man says: "Really? I wouldn't have pinned you for a football player."

Then the flamboyant man says, "Well, I play bar football."

The buff man says, "Whats bar football?"

The flamboyant man says, "Well you take a shot for a touchdown, then you pull your pants down and fart for the extra point. I bet you $100.00 I can beat you."

The buff man says "You, beat me, at football? I dont think so... you're on."

The flamboyant man takes his shot glass and drains it. Slams it down on the bar and says "TOUCHDOOOOWWN!"

Then he jumps up on the bar-stool, and "poofs" a fart out. He then says, "Extra point good! 7-0"

So the buff man takes his shot and drains it. "Touchdown *****!"

Then he pulls his pants down to fart, when the flamboyant guy jumps behind him and starts humping him saying "Block that kick! Block that kick!"
 

soupcan dan

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my neighbor's three-legged pig intrigued me so i went over for a chat with the old man.

"what's up with the three-legged one?" i asked

"oh you mean orville? he's quite a pig---saved my life last year by waking me in the middle of the night when we had that fire, dragged me outta my bed."

"wow ! , but how---"

"not only that, but he fought off an intruder last month. caught the guy trying to steal my tractor and cornered him in the barn until i came home"

"heck of a pig, but how did he----"

"the pig can pick stocks too. i've learned to invest in companies he points at in the business section. made nearly a million last year on his financial advice"

"ok, ok, but how did he lose the leg?" i interrupted.

"well---when you got a pig that valuable you dont want to eat him all at once"
 

parlorcitysaint

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A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken running down the road. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph.

Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up and the chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph!

The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!!

Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard with dozens of three legged chickens. The man in the car called out to the farmer "How did you get all these three legged chickens?"

The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece."

"That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?"

"Don't rightly know, I ain't caught one yet!"
 

MrEMann83

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An old man and his hard-of-hearing wife were driving through Alabama from Georgia one day when a state trooper gets behind him and starts flashing his lights. The old man says "Damn, we're gettin' pulled over". The old wife says "WHAT'D YOU SAY?" The old man says "I SAID WE'RE GETTIN' PULLED OVER." So the old man pulls to the curb, and the state trooper walks up to the window and says "License and registration please". The old wife says "WHAT'D HE SAY?" The husband says "HE WANTS TO SEE OUR LICENSE AN REGISTRATION." The state trooper takes a look at the license and says "You folks from Georgia?" The old lady says "WHAT'D HE SAY?" The husband replies "HE WANTS TO KNOW IF WE'RE FROM GEORGIA". The state trooper says "God I hated Georgia. Try not to ever go there if I can help it. Last time I did, I met the most foul, most hateful, nastiest ***** I have ever met in my life. Freaky as they come but totally disgusting". The old lady says "WHAT'D HE SAY?" The husband says "HE SAID HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"
 

Denzien

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This big buff guy walks into a bar, sits down to watch the football game. After about 5 mins he notices a pretty flamboyant looking man a few stools over staring at him. Getting annoyed with the guy staring at him, he aggressively looks over and says:

"Can I help you with something?"

To which the flamboyant man says in a ladys voice with a lisp:

"I was just wondering if you play football."

The man says "Yea, I played in college. Its been a while though."

The flamboyant man says, "I could tell as soon as you walked in. I play football too."

The buff man says: "Really? I wouldn't have pinned you for a football player."

Then the flamboyant man says, "Well, I play bar football."

The buff man says, "Whats bar football?"

The flamboyant man says, "Well you take a shot for a touchdown, then you pull your pants down and fart for the extra point. I bet you $100.00 I can beat you."

The buff man says "You, beat me, at football? I dont think so... you're on."

The flamboyant man takes his shot glass and drains it. Slams it down on the bar and says "TOUCHDOOOOWWN!"

Then he jumps up on the bar-stool, and "poofs" a fart out. He then says, "Extra point good! 7-0"

So the buff man takes his shot and drains it. "Touchdown *****!"

Then he pulls his pants down to fart, when the flamboyant guy jumps behind him and starts humping him saying "Block that kick! Block that kick!"
And then he got beaten to death
 

Denzien

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Knock knock.

Who's there?

To.

To who?

To whom.



Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Dave.

Dave who?

Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimer's has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.
 

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