"It's Me! Every Girl Ever." (1 Viewer)

Mr. Blue Sky

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Found on Craigslist.org, featured on The Tom Leykis Show... Hilarious.
(Link contained some foul language, so I didn't tease it- hope that's okay, Mods.)




It's me! Every girl ever.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2007-11-07, 10:38AM EST


Knock knock

Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.

Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.

You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.

Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I ****** love candles!

Come on into the living room.

Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen.

Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.

And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all *****es.

Let's go back into the hallway!

Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...

Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go!

Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe.

Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.

Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-mentally challenged brother Travis. That would be so God ****** cute!

Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out.

Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on!

See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you!

Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.

I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.

Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night!

:hihi:
 
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Superfan

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this is girls brains. 30-32 seconds = beast mode.

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Sabine

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It's me! Every guy ever.

Knock knock

Oh hey Baby, how's it going? It's me! Every guy ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly the catch I made myself out to be because when we met at the bar I was lying through my teeth trying to get in your pants. Come on in and let me try again.

Let's start off with the excuses for my incredibly messy apartment. Sometimes, there's like three of us guys living here, but none of us have a mop, broom, Brillo pad or fear of bacteria. Your shots are up to date, right?

You may recognize some of the furniture. Most of this stuff was rescued from someone's bulk trash haul pile on the side of the road. None of it matches, but it all smells the same.

Hey check it out, I have more neon beer signs than the bar where we met. When you turn the lights down, it kinda looks like that place ..... except for the gun cabinet. You've probably noticed that I like to use antlers in my decorating.

Come on into the living room, just step over those clothes on the floor.

Oh, I see you met my dog there. That's Buck. Oh yeah, he'll do that. He sniffs everybody's crotch. Get out of there Buck! Oh no, don't pet him. He'll hump your leg. Down Boy!

Let's go to the kitchen. Want a beer? See how I'm careful to keep it on the top shelf, far away from whatever that is growing in the vegetable bin. Did you notice that I have an industrial size trash can? It stinks up the place, but with a 55 gallon can I only have to take the trash out once a month. And, the bigger can is easier to hit when throwing stuff from the living room.

Don't pay any attention to pictures all over the place of mostly of hot, drunk, partially exposed women who want these photos destroyed. I display them so people will think I'm a chick magnet and slept with a lot more women than I actually have. I did sleep with that one, and now she's stalking me. You should probably take a good look at her. She won't stay on her meds. Don't be surprised if you find your car keyed or get a death threat just for being here.

Back here is my room. There's all my trophies on the headboard, Little League on up. Oh no, the thongs and bra hanging on the bedpost there .....uh.....not a trophy..... I don't know where those came from.... probably belongs to my buddy's girlfriend. I'll just get rid of those quickly.

I'm gotta hit the John before we go, unless you would rather just stay here. No? Okay, just have a seat on the bed or take your chances with Buck in the living room. Here's the remote in case it takes me awhile. I'll turn it on for you. Oops, let's change that, I didn't know it was on that channel. You probably don't want to watch that......or do you? No? Okay, be right back...

Let's go eat!

I'm parked over here. Let me get that door for you. I'm going to blow you away with meaningless masculine gestures and delude myself into thinking that I'm gonna get laid for my efforts.

Well, here we are at the bar. I thought we could eat here. They serve free hotwings during happy hour. Now let's talk about my failed relationships, how my ex is such a *****, how my mother warned me and how I love my mother. I think my mother would love you too. You're not like the other girls. I could tell right away that there's something about you, something special - not some fake, lying ***** like my ex. I will do my best to go the entire night without calling you by her name. Did I tell you what a real ***** she is?

You're so cute. Now, let's talk about me some more.

Hey, there's my buddies. I'll go meet them across the bar while you sit here. That way you won't hear me insinuating that you were all over me at the apartment, and that we just stepped out to catch our breath before we go back and hit it again. I may even pretend that I've forgotten your name, while scanning the bar's female population for future prospects. Nothing personal, just guys being guys. I'll return after my ego has been sufficiently stroked.

I'm back! I saw that guy trying to move in on you. I don't like real competition, but I'm going to pretend we're leaving because it's just too loud in here to talk and get to know you better. Besides, I think I spotted Stalker Girl at the bar. It's not that I really care about your well being, it's just that it took me 2 months to get laid after her last "episode" in here.

Well here we are at my complex again. Hey, isn't that your car? Wow, looks like someone slashed your tires.

Hey, where you going? Come on, Baby.
 
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'79 Saints

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Both are classic... although Sabine would probably think I'm gay because my apartment was cleaner than my then-girlfriend/now wife's... I used to spend the day cleaning her's, because I couldn't take it anymore! :)
 
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Mr. Blue Sky

Mr. Blue Sky

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I knew there would be a counter-post from one of the females on the board-- but I didn't know it would be that awesome... Thanks Sabine; that was really creative, especially since you posted it at 3:35 in the morning...
 

RiverCitySaint

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Both are classic... although Sabine would probably think I'm gay because my apartment was cleaner than my then-girlfriend/now wife's... I used to spend the day cleaning her's, because I couldn't take it anymore! :)
I hear that. My place is always cleaner than someone's I'm dating at the time. Case in point:
My last g/f of about a year had 5 dogs and 2 of them were kept in a cage in her room. One time the smell of the dogs (and 3 of them slept on the bed as well...) combined with wet dog food in the cage was so choking I had to get up and go sleep in the guest room.

The whole place smelled like a kennel to be honest.

Here's a note for the single gals out there: Hey, dish washers work for women as well. Try using one sometime. That lasagna pan does not need to sit in the sink for 3 weeks. Yes hon, I can help get rid of those ants.....
 

Redlands Saints

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Sabine, your post are reaching the same level of genius as ra's. how do you have such wit at that time in the morning.
 

Jonesy77

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I don't see how the guy one is funny. It's true, but so what? We're awesome.
 

BullDawg

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>>I did sleep with that one, and now she's stalking me. You should probably take a good look at her. She won't stay on her meds. Don't be surprised if you find your car keyed or get a death threat just for being here.

:hihi:
 

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