Just found out I have an 18yr old son (1 Viewer)

Yes. One, I'd confirm the paternity. I mean, they hid the kid from you. Maybe for good reason, maybe not. But that's some trust that needs to be repaired.

Indeed.

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Doesn't matter - it's always a smart idea to be certain. Even if just to confirm. Does checking somehow imply malice? Why would you advise someone to not get such a test performed?

Everyone I know keeps advising me for a DNA test..I have no clue how to approach that..I don't even think I want too right now?
 
(I'm quoting Chuck, but really writing this for the OP)

Yes. One, I'd confirm the paternity. I mean, they hid the kid from you. Maybe for good reason, maybe not. But that's some trust that needs to be repaired.

Also, I'm not sure if the kid has any resentment about not knowing you (the OP) growing up (did he have a 'dad' at all?). Don't blame the mother. Just be honest. You're not totally sure why they hid this from you, but you weren't a great kid then (or whatever the story was). Hopefully you can highlight that you're a better dude now.

How do you feel knowing you have a kid out there that you didn't get to see grow up? Do you have your own children that you know about? At some point the conversation is going to go from light, to "real". Just be honest. And it's ok if you don't know yet. It's a big blow to you too.

But yeah, get that confirmed (unless the kid is like a dead ringer for you).

Great response. I have two children , I love them very much. It hurts knowing for the last 18 years Ive been a good person. No trouble at all and have a great life and a great job and I could have shared many positive things in his life. It does bother me.
 
Then there is the question does the son have a step-father who he considers to be his father because he raised and provided for him.

You never want to try and replace that father figure, but to let your son set the guide lines on that.
I went through this with my step-son. I told him I would never try to replace his real day. His real dad pasted away and now he considers me as that role

Great question. He was adopted by a guy I went to high school with. She moved off to North Carolina with him a few months after he was born. Apparently they divorced last year.
 
remember he found out about this going through his mom's pictures
his mom knew, kept it from him, and now she's gone
there's way more layers to work through than y'all are indicating




which OP pretty much said right?

Yeah, its like looking at pics of myself when I look at his pics
 
remember he found out about this going through his mom's pictures
his mom knew, kept it from him, and now she's gone
there's way more layers to work through than y'all are indicating




which OP pretty much said right?

Mom was part of the "they". Like, a lot of people were involved in hiding this.
 
Great response. I have two children , I love them very much. It hurts knowing for the last 18 years Ive been a good person. No trouble at all and have a great life and a great job and I could have shared many positive things in his life. It does bother me.

That's definitely the type of things you should share with him, but be careful not to frame it as resentment towards his mom. Make sure he understands that, while you had no part in that decision, you understand why it was made.

Anyway, good luck dude. You sound like a stand-up guy and I'm sure he will see you as such.
 
If you want to have any relationship with your kid going forward, DON'T ask for a DNA test. It would simply confirm any fears and trepidation he has about you. Like:
1. This guy doesn't trust my mom.
2. This guy only cares about himself and is covering his posterior
3. Does he think I am going to come to him for a handout?

The only purpose it will only serve is to verify and affirm his mother's thoughts and actions that led to her hiding him from you.

For an ice-breaker, grab coffee and breakfast, or take him to lunch. I would use the ice breaker as a gateway to an invitation for a longer interaction.

As far as meeting up, fishing can fill any uncomfortable gap in conversation. If one or both of you aren't into fishing, hiking or walking is another activity that covers conversational gaps, but leaves lots of opportunities for heartfelt conversation. I would want my first, long meeting with my son to be in a private, natural setting away from the interruptions and distractions of the city.There is a lot of catching up to do, and dinner probably won't give you enough time. A neutral, non-threatening site is a must.

Make sure you tell him you don't want to replace his current dad, but you would like to be a part of his life in some capacity moving forward. Of course, I would clear all of this with his parents before asking him.

Most of all, pray for wisdom, guidance, and for the right words to say. Don't get drunk; too much is at risk to say or do something stupid.
 

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