Just found out I have an 18yr old son (2 Viewers)

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why hasnt this been merged with the TiL ( today i learned ) thread???

I mean, THIS is the ultimate "oh, today i learned...."
 
All great thoughts. Good place this SR is!!!!!!! Im going to be cautious for sure. He did say if he makes it to the NFL he would sit out a year if the Saints drafted him.. So I was like " I don't know if I can claim you, and where are the pics of your mom? LOL JK about that last part.
 
You can increase his ego by maybe saying that if he does go pro and the saints draft him that he could be part of the puzzle that makes the saints defense a top contender.
 
I'm imagining he probably just wants to know who you are at this point. My advice would be to be completely honest about who you were then and who you are now. Don't try too hard to be his friend right off and definitely don't try to be his dad. Just let him know that you want to be a part of his life now that you know about him and let him take the lead on the rest. Most of all, keep in touch. Let him know that you're interested in how his life is going, what he's up to, how's school etc. and let him know what you're up to as well. It's likely that you'll never have a father-son relationship, but that doesn't mean you can't have a good bond.

Oh, & DEFINITELY make sure you get pics of the mom.
 
Denzien said:
Doesn't matter - it's always a smart idea to be certain. Even if just to confirm. Does checking somehow imply malice? Why would you advise someone to not get such a test performed?
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I think so. I think it calls into question his mother's ethics and/or motive. That's not getting off on the right foot IMO. It makes it that much harder to establish a relationship if you begin that relationship by displaying distrust or skepticism. Again, I see no motivation for the mother to lie at this point. It's not like they're asking for child support or anything and it's obvious the mother never wanted anything from him to begin with given she knew who he was and never contacted him to let him know. Remember, the OP sought her out and asked about his son, not the other way around.
 
rajncajn said:
I think so. I think it calls into question his mother's ethics and/or motive. That's not getting off on the right foot IMO. It makes it that much harder to establish a relationship if you begin that relationship by displaying distrust or skepticism. Again, I see no motivation for the mother to lie at this point. It's not like they're asking for child support or anything and it's obvious the mother never wanted anything from him to begin with given she knew who he was and never contacted him to let him know. Remember, the OP sought her out and asked about his son, not the other way around.
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I agree that it is sensitive and should be handled delicately.

At the same time, I think Denizen is saying that irrespective of what the mother thinks, what if she is just incorrect? Paternity is objective and he's saying let's make sure it is right - and just because she thinks that's what happened doesn't mean it is. It's not about motive but accuracy.

There's probably a sensitive way to meet both objectives (assuring paternity and not poisoning the relationships involved).
 
superchuck500 said:
I agree that it is sensitive and should be handled delicately.

At the same time, I think Denizen is saying that irrespective of what the mother thinks, what if she is just incorrect? Paternity is objective and he's saying let's make sure it is right - and just because she thinks that's what happened doesn't mean it is. It's not about motive but accuracy.

There's probably a sensitive way to meet both objectives (assuring paternity and not poisoning the relationships involved).
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(I'm quoting Chuck, but really writing this for the OP)

Yes. One, I'd confirm the paternity. I mean, they hid the kid from you. Maybe for good reason, maybe not. But that's some trust that needs to be repaired.

Also, I'm not sure if the kid has any resentment about not knowing you (the OP) growing up (did he have a 'dad' at all?). Don't blame the mother. Just be honest. You're not totally sure why they hid this from you, but you weren't a great kid then (or whatever the story was). Hopefully you can highlight that you're a better dude now.

How do you feel knowing you have a kid out there that you didn't get to see grow up? Do you have your own children that you know about? At some point the conversation is going to go from light, to "real". Just be honest. And it's ok if you don't know yet. It's a big blow to you too.

But yeah, get that confirmed (unless the kid is like a dead ringer for you).
 
Then there is the question does the son have a step-father who he considers to be his father because he raised and provided for him.

You never want to try and replace that father figure, but to let your son set the guide lines on that.
I went through this with my step-son. I told him I would never try to replace his real day. His real dad pasted away and now he considers me as that role
 
Saint_Ward said:
(I'm quoting Chuck, but really writing this for the OP)

Yes. One, I'd confirm the paternity. I mean, they hid the kid from you. Maybe for good reason, maybe not. But that's some trust that needs to be repaired.
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remember he found out about this going through his mom's pictures
his mom knew, kept it from him, and now she's gone
there's way more layers to work through than y'all are indicating


But yeah, get that confirmed (unless the kid is like a dead ringer for you).
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which OP pretty much said right?
 

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