Raising a child that is not yours (1 Viewer)

[TDH]

The problem is that his self-discipline is lax so you have to force it on him for his own good. If he's forgetting to do chores on a daily basis don't let him do things he want to do until after he's finished doing things he needs to do. Make up a checklist of chores and make him check them off on a daily basis. It seems harsh now but he'll be better for it in the long run.

 

[varanook]

her is some of my expirence.

my kids also wouldn't pick up after themselves. we tried taking priviliges away and they still didn't pick up after themselves. We came to the realization that they weren't picking up after themselves because they didn't want to, but because they really hadn't learn that this is a minimum expectation for one's self. Basically, we expect them to make the transition from child to pre teen, but we as parents are then to "train" them on the tasks they need to learn. And as with all learning, simply telling them once to do something isn't enough, it takes repitition untill its not really a chore, but a unconscience nomral activity.

here's an example. my son knows his shoes and book bag doen't belong in the living room. Yet he still does. If come in and see it, i don't get upset, i tell "do you know were that belongs?" when he says yes, i stand there and tell him "take care of it now". I don't walk away, i don't do anything else. I just stand their looking at him, and don't accpet "later" or "i'll get to it", i have stop what ever he's doing and take care of it right then and there. I don't care if he's on the phone, watching tv, or with a firend. If he does it every day, we go thru the same process every day untill the repitition finally sinks and stops doing it on his own.

It take more effort on my part, but kids really don't know how become young adults unless we train them how to be.

This is right. We had similar problems with the kids picking up after themselves or not doing their daily chores.


It was more of a pain on us to remember and check every day (or just out and out doing the work ourselves) than it was on them to actually take the 15-20 minutes to do chores or the 30 seconds to pick up after themselves each time.
Parents are more punished than children many times when the kids are punished.



Originally Posted by Big_L

10 weeks was a culmination of him not doing things over a span of time. Not taking out the trash for a week in a row, not doing the homework for a week, not cleaning up after himself. The boy and I had a talk about him doing what was expected. These are what was discussed: 1) his handwritting is/was terrible and his grades at school were going down, so I had him write 1 paragraph a night to build up his skills. He did this for a few months and his handwritting improved and so did his grades. During a parent/teacher conference his teachers told his mother that he has shown real improvement. He was rewarded by being able to play X Box for an hour school nights and quite a few on the weekends. 2) picking up after himself. The boy leaves food out. He will finish dinner and just leave his plate and glass with food on it and expect someone to pick it up. He leaves his bookbag, jacket, WII, all that all over the living room, his shoes out in the middle of the hall, his room is a pig stye even by my standards. He knows that he has to pick up after himself. Honestly he has shown no improvement and I have to stay on him about turning off lights and TVs. This is all he has to do along with take out the trash and mow the grass. He continuosly does not do these simple tasks and he agreed that if he fails to do his asssignments then he has 2 weeks of X Box privlleges taken away. I honestly lost count after the 5th infraction. Two weekends ago I told him to write 2 paragraphs. It took him a whole week and a half to do it (I work when he is at home) which to me is just unacceptable.

This almost sounds like he is ok with the punishment. Change it and explain why is what I would do. But I would talk to the wife about it first.

Like I said before, my thing was to make it hurt and the kids have to know you mean business and will do it over and over again and not ever let up until the punishment ends.
Most imp. still isthe unified front by you and the GF/wife.

 

[RiverCitySaint]

Leon,
Send me a PM. Oh the stories I could tell you....

 

[hammernnails]

Big L.. I am not a Psychologist but to me this issue sounds like it goes deeper than you think... has the boy accepted you as his "father figure" in the home..?? I am not saying that you need to replace his natural father but he does need to view you as the head of the family and equal to his mothers authority... Her laughing is totally and completly unacceptable!! That undermines any and all authority you may have had in his eyes.. I see that you are a military guy and discipline is an important part of your life but in this case I think its more important to instil a sense of security in the boy instead of discipline .. Take him and his mother out to dinner .. explain to the boy that you only want the best for him ... ask him if he will agree to a 1 week punishment and buy him a gift to open at the table.... Maybe an X-box game or something ..... explain to him that your intent is to love and care for him and his mother and ask him why he defies you and what you could do to change his behavior.... treat him like a young man and give him options... maybe he comes around maybe not but I can tell you that in situations like yours .. you catch more flies with honey if you know what I mean.....