Serious relationships..... (1 Viewer)

[livefromDC]

Well I've been married now for 10+ years to an absolutely amazing, successful and smart woman. Counting her I'd say I've been in zero serious relationships.

Now at work, that's a different story. I'm all serious business there. No nonsense ya know. But I've always been pretty informal in my private life.

 

[Dago]

I'll pass, thanks.

Hey I just didnt want you to feel excluded

 

[CapitalCitySaint]

Yes. I know how to shut it down now.

I think sex and passion blinds you when you are younger. But maybe that's a man thing.

I had relationship that was exciting months ago. She was younger and a nice person but I realized that it wasn't going to work.

It's hard to do that because no one wants to be alone.

But at some point, you think of you and the other person. And what's right.

I think it still blinds us in our older age but the whole "this is fun but I'm also really frustrated because all these other criteria/needs aren't being met" become as strong when you're older and realize you don't have the years to waste anymore.

I'd say it was probably around 4 years ago that I really started being more cognizant of when relationships were not fulfilling greater needs apart from just the physical and would end them. But also for women, I think it's easier for us to not be physically attracted to men when the other needs aren't being met.

Back in 2016 I dated this guy for about 4 months who was 3 years younger than me. He was a really nice guy, attractive and we were both into each other. About 3 months in I was like okay I can't figure out if he's just dumb or if we have cultural differences (he was from South Africa). His downfall started when I met his twin (not identical) who was a PhD physical therapist and I was like damn, yep. He's just dumb. They came to the US at the same time, both went to college on soccer scholarships and were raised by the same people. Having a twin in his case really did not help him at all in this scenario.

After that, I just started noticing other areas in which it just wouldn't work and once that started to happen, the physical attraction for him faded and I just had to end it.

 

[UndeadSnoopy]

I think it still blinds us in our older age but the whole "this is fun but I'm also really frustrated because all these other criteria/needs aren't being met" become as strong when you're older and realize you don't have the years to waste anymore.

I'd say it was probably around 4 years ago that I really started being more cognizant of when relationships were not fulfilling greater needs apart from just the physical and would end them. But also for women, I think it's easier for us to not be physically attracted to men when the other needs aren't being met.

Back in 2016 I dated this guy for about 4 months who was 3 years younger than me. He was a really nice guy, attractive and we were both into each other. About 3 months in I was like okay I can't figure out if he's just dumb or if we have cultural differences (he was from South Africa). His downfall started when I met his twin (not identical) who was a PhD physical therapist and I was like damn, yep. He's just dumb. They came to the US at the same time, both went to college on soccer scholarships and were raised by the same people. Having a twin in his case really did not help him at all in this scenario.

After that, I just started noticing other areas in which it just wouldn't work and once that started to happen, the physical attraction for him faded and I just had to end it.

You know I like to keep things simple here. I won't go into detail. But ten years is big.

I just realized it was a teacher and student relationship.

Not her fault. Sweet person.

 

[guidomerkinsrules]

I think it still blinds us in our older age but the whole "this is fun but I'm also really frustrated because all these other criteria/needs aren't being met" become as strong when you're older and realize you don't have the years to waste anymore.

I'd say it was probably around 4 years ago that I really started being more cognizant of when relationships were not fulfilling greater needs apart from just the physical and would end them. But also for women, I think it's easier for us to not be physically attracted to men when the other needs aren't being met.

Back in 2016 I dated this guy for about 4 months who was 3 years younger than me. He was a really nice guy, attractive and we were both into each other. About 3 months in I was like okay I can't figure out if he's just dumb or if we have cultural differences (he was from South Africa). His downfall started when I met his twin (not identical) who was a PhD physical therapist and I was like damn, yep. He's just dumb. They came to the US at the same time, both went to college on soccer scholarships and were raised by the same people. Having a twin in his case really did not help him at all in this scenario.

After that, I just started noticing other areas in which it just wouldn't work and once that started to happen, the physical attraction for him faded and I just had to end it.

This isn’t quite what you were talking about, but you reminded me of a time a few months into th first serious (taught me how to be a man) relationship
She was an actor and I was getting ready to see her on stage for the first time - right before I got my ticket I was hit with this dread of “yikes, what if she sucks”
Luckily she was a very good actor
But it made clear to me how important talent was in how I felt about someone

 

[CapitalCitySaint]

You know I like to keep things simple here. I won't go into detail. But ten years is big.

I just realized it was a teacher and student relationship.

Not her fault. Sweet person.

Yeah, the larger the age gap, I feel the more difficult to overcome.

 

[SaintJ]

Define "serious".

Andy Kaufman never came over to say hello.

 

[Tapxe]

This isn’t quite what you were talking about, but you reminded me of a time a few months into th first serious (taught me how to be a man) relationship
She was an actor and I was getting ready to see her on stage for the first time - right before I got my ticket I was hit with this dread of “yikes, what if she sucks”
Luckily she was a very good actor
But it made clear to me how important talent was in how I felt about someone

I'm starting to see things like this as playing games in the relationship.

FWIW, I'm going to be honest as to how I feel. If I didn't enjoy her performance, I'd be frank about it. I'd also let her know that I don't see where my opinion on it is much difference as she's the only one who needs to believe in her ability to act. Even the best actress has her critics.

It's all about being authentic and not having expectations about the other persons behavior for me now. I don't expect to find a perfect person. I just want one who is real enough to make me want to put in the work to keep a relationship going. I want to put aside expectations and flattery. I want to know her deepest fears, desires, and hopes without any judgment and for her to want to know mine again without judgment.

If she expects me to lie or worship her every step, well, she's not for me.

 

[guidomerkinsrules]

I'm starting to see things like this as playing games in the relationship.

FWIW, I'm going to be honest as to how I feel. If I didn't enjoy her performance, I'd be frank about it. I'd also let her know that I don't see where my opinion on it is much difference as she's the only one who needs to believe in her ability to act. Even the best actress has her critics.

It's all about being authentic and not having expectations about the other persons behavior for me now. I don't expect to find a perfect person. I just want one who is real enough to make me want to put in the work to keep a relationship going. I want to put aside expectations and flattery. I want to know her deepest fears, desires, and hopes without any judgment and for her to want to know mine again without judgment.

If she expects me to lie or worship her every step, well, she's not for me.

Well at the time it wasn’t a game bc I had no idea I felt that way until right before I went to see her - hasn’t been an issue since, since I’ve pretty much been surrounded by very talented people
But I do think it’s part of the ‘attractiveness’ package
It’s similar to CCS finding her bf wasn’t very bright - I know intelligence has always been important to me
Like imagine you’ve been dating someone for a few months and all of a sudden you find she’s a **** to old people or thinks “we built this city on rock n roll’ is a great song or something

 

[Tapxe]

Well at the time it wasn’t a game bc I had no idea I felt that way until right before I went to see her - hasn’t been an issue since, since I’ve pretty much been surrounded by very talented people
But I do think it’s part of the ‘attractiveness’ package
It’s similar to CCS finding her bf wasn’t very bright - I know intelligence has always been important to me
Like imagine you’ve been dating someone for a few months and all of a sudden you find she’s a **** to old people or thinks “we built this city on rock n roll’ is a great song or something

I get it. The attraction just needs to come from a deeper place than those examples you gave. I mean, yeah if she's a **** to any people, then that's a red flag. But I'd also want to know why she is and if it's something to be concerned about. Maybe she's had a flashback to when the elderly couple killed her dog for wandering into their yard.

Being dumb isn't really a consideration. We'd need to communicate effectively and that is a function of intelligence, but who am I to say that she lacks intelligence. What factor am I basing it on? My expectation of intelligence? Street smarts? Book smarts? Emotional smarts? Saints smarts? The list goes on.

 

[SigFreudianSlip]

Define "serious".

I’d say live in. Of course you can have serious without in a ldr, but I’d think playing house would be serious enough.

 

[SigFreudianSlip]

Yeah, the larger the age gap, I feel the more difficult to overcome.

Agreed on the age gap. I dated a couple of 21 year olds when I was mid thirties. And they just had way too much energy for me. Also their interest and mine just didn’t add up. Did date a mid twenties and that was great as was she, but kids came between us. As in she wanted them and saw me as too old to be the father.

 

[guidomerkinsrules]

I’d say live in. Of course you can have serious without in a ldr, but I’d think playing house would be serious enough.

If ‘live in’ is the baseline, I have to add two more

 

[guidomerkinsrules]

I get it. The attraction just needs to come from a deeper place than those examples you gave. I mean, yeah if she's a **** to any people, then that's a red flag. But I'd also want to know why she is and if it's something to be concerned about. Maybe she's had a flashback to when the elderly couple killed her dog for wandering into their yard.

Being dumb isn't really a consideration. We'd need to communicate effectively and that is a function of intelligence, but who am I to say that she lacks intelligence. What factor am I basing it on? My expectation of intelligence? Street smarts? Book smarts? Emotional smarts? Saints smarts? The list goes on.

I think you’re arguing to argue- but I’m cool with that
Finding/ growing in attraction is a process
We usually start with the visuals, then to aspects of personality - you don’t get the whole package on first date, you discover things over time and/or things shift and people change and attractions alter

 

[Tapxe]

I think you’re arguing to argue- but I’m cool with that
Finding/ growing in attraction is a process
We usually start with the visuals, then to aspects of personality - you don’t get the whole package on first date, you discover things over time and/or things shift and people change and attractions alter

Fair enough. I'll leave it be. I'm probably just not able to articulate my thoughts properly as I'm not trying to be argumentative so much as clarify my position.

I guess it's