Since the EE likes controversial questions: (1 Viewer)

[guidomerkinsrules]

I don't think he's in the wrong, but those are the kinds of things you discuss before marriage, not after. They are just critical questions that can have a massive effect on a marriage. I don't understand how little effort people put into getting on the same page with someone BEFORE making a lifetime commitment to them.

I guess it just comes from the fact that many people today don't see marriage as a lifetime commitment.

Mostly this
I would add that maybe it’s not that people don’t see it as a lifetime commitment, it could be that ‘before people’ weren’t allowed to consider options
But yes discuss this before marriage

But actually I’m most concerned about the kids being asked to cohabited but not with actual siblings

 

[kizzy821]

I'd offer to put them in my will but that's it.

I don't understand the purpose of children (unless you want them to take over your multi-million dollar business or something).

Attempting to coerce someone else into assuming responsibility for creatures you put on this earth is distasteful, to say the least.

 

[Saint by the Bay]

I would add that maybe it’s not that people don’t see it as a lifetime commitment, it could be that ‘before people’ weren’t allowed to consider options

I 100% agree with this, especially for women. It wasn't that long ago they had no choice but to put up with our nonsense. It's not a coincidence that the trend line between financial independence among women and divorce run almost side by side.

 

[Dago]

I can't give a good answer without knowing more...like most have said there are red flags here

The only thing I can say is that I wouldn't marry a woman with young kids without being willing to be their father in practice and legally

 

[CapitalCitySaint]

Here is my take: he's not wrong. If this was something his wife wanted at some point or expected, it should have been brought up before agreeing to marriage.

For those of you saying that the marriage is already doomed because he is thinking about "if it ends?" I disagree. It's always nice to think that everything we do will work out for us but it's not always the case. I see nothing wrong with hoping for a best case scenario but looking out for yourself/your financial health should things go sideways.

That's where people get messed up in all kinds of transactions - business, personal, family, etc. They only think about the positives and assume that things will go well. Which is why I think most people don't get into marriage assuming it will/could go wrong; because when it does, they are beside themselves because they never took it into consideration what 'going wrong' would look like.

I also don't understand why he can't just be an amazing step father to her kids and that not be enough? My step father raised me since I was 2 and was who I called dad (he's not alive anymore). There was never pressure to adopt me or anything else and I love him more than my biological father.

Someone said that people put very little thought into who they marry. I think even more people are not very discerning with who they procreate with. Marriage you can at least get out of. Having a child is for life.

Marriage is stupid anyway....you can have commitment, monogamy, buy houses together, start a business, have children, etc. without marriage and still be perfectly happy.

The one thing you can't do without marriage is collect on your spouse's social security & retirement benefits if something happens to them. The rest as far as assets, money, medical decisions, etc - can all be easily addressed with a living will.

 

[Sailorsaint]

We really need more info. Is the biological dad still living? Is he incarcerated andor unable to help support them? How old are they? And maybe most important...What were you thinking when you married her? Did you think the kids were accessories? Were you ready to take them under your wing and become a role model? Why are you asking strangers this question?

 

[Eeyore]

I've been there.

My most recent ex called me at work one day and told me that she had great news. Then she said that she'd tell me when I got home.

When I got home she told me that I'm going to adopt her daughters. I told her that I would love to if our relationship was better but I didn't think that our relationship was strong enough. She immediately went nuts. Apparently, she had told all of her family that I was going through with it. She was hurt, and embarrassed. I was upset that she didn't discuss it with me first.

I began pointing out all of the problems that we had. She agreed but tried to spin it that it was because I didn't care about her girls. I suspect that she would have filed for divorce soon after.

The marriage didn't last long after that. It got worse every day. Despite our divorce, I'd adopt them today. They're wonderful human beings. Unfortunately, she's part of the deal.

 

[Icon]

Sometimes one sentence is all it takes.

"She asked me to adopt her 2 children".

That's not something a man should be "asked". That's something a man should offer.

 

[Sailorsaint]

I've been there.

My most recent ex called me at work one day and told me that she had great news. Then she said that she'd tell me when I got home.

When I got home she told me that I'm going to adopt her daughters. I told her that I would love to if our relationship was better but I didn't think that our relationship was strong enough. She immediately went nuts. Apparently, she had told all of her family that I was going through with it. She was hurt, and embarrassed. I was upset that she didn't discuss it with me first.

I began pointing out all of the problems that we had. She agreed but tried to spin it that it was because I didn't care about her girls. I suspect that she would have filed for divorce soon after.

The marriage didn't last long after that. It got worse every day. Despite our divorce, I'd adopt them today. They're wonderful human beings. Unfortunately, she's part of the deal.

One of those instances where the apples came from an entirely different tree? I get it. My first marriage was much the same with two young boys. Loved 'em to death.

 

[Dago]

Here is my take: he's not wrong. If this was something his wife wanted at some point or expected, it should have been brought up before agreeing to marriage.

For those of you saying that the marriage is already doomed because he is thinking about "if it ends?" I disagree. It's always nice to think that everything we do will work out for us but it's not always the case. I see nothing wrong with hoping for a best case scenario but looking out for yourself/your financial health should things go sideways.

That's where people get messed up in all kinds of transactions - business, personal, family, etc. They only think about the positives and assume that things will go well. Which is why I think most people don't get into marriage assuming it will/could go wrong; because when it does, they are beside themselves because they never took it into consideration what 'going wrong' would look like.

I also don't understand why he can't just be an amazing step father to her kids and that not be enough? My step father raised me since I was 2 and was who I called dad (he's not alive anymore). There was never pressure to adopt me or anything else and I love him more than my biological father.

Someone said that people put very little thought into who they marry. I think even more people are not very discerning with who they procreate with. Marriage you can at least get out of. Having a child is for life.

Marriage is stupid anyway....you can have commitment, monogamy, buy houses together, start a business, have children, etc. without marriage and still be perfectly happy.

The one thing you can't do without marriage is collect on your spouse's social security & retirement benefits if something happens to them. The rest as far as assets, money, medical decisions, etc - can all be easily addressed with a living will.

I found out the hard way when I proposed to CCS

 

[CapitalCitySaint]

I found out the hard way when I proposed to CCS

LOL.

On another lighter note, that guy is dumb. He should adopt them then sell them to the lady at Wal-Mart in the other thread.

 

[gavinj]

What’s her deal? Weird woman. Run dude.

 

[Sun Wukong]

Someone said that people put very little thought into who they marry. I think even more people are not very discerning with who they procreate with. Marriage you can at least get out of. Having a child is for life.

People are terrified of bring alone and they make horrible decisions because of it.

On the one hand, I get it. I lead a pretty lonely life. It's terrible. Its led to a lot of depression and mental health issues for me.

But I look at these bad relationships people force themselves into and realize that's ultimately being alone is just harming me, whereas these other people are actively harming others, and often damming kids by birth by bringing them into them.

 

[not2rich]

He should probably adopt, but when it looks like he and his wife might split, take the family to a National Park and experience a tragic accident where they all somehow fall off a cliff.

 

[CapitalCitySaint]

People are terrified of bring alone and they make horrible decisions because of it.

On the one hand, I get it. I lead a pretty lonely life. It's terrible. Its led to a lot of depression and mental health issues for me.

But I look at these bad relationships people force themselves into and realize that's ultimately being alone is just harming me, whereas these other people are actively harming others, and often damming kids by birth by bringing them into them.

I was just having this conversation with a group of friends a few weeks ago. 3 out of 4 of us are single. One newlywed. Talking about marriage, divorce, aging, etc.

We all agreed that *most* of the married people we know aren't very happy and got into their marriages out of a sense of urgency to fit into their family's idea/society that they need to be married, have kids, etc., for financial reasons (i.e. dual incomes to help support themselves) or others out of fear of being alone and therefore settling for something less than ideal or something toxic altogether.