The Good, the Bad, and the 50% divorce rate. (1 Viewer)

[Loose Cannon]

Where u been

Here and there. What’s up with you? I’m ready for football

 

[BoxerJoe]

Another important point, about 70% of divorces are initiated by women. I remember someone saying to me once that a man doesn't usually leave a marriage unless he already has another relationship lined up. Men generally don't choose to go from marriage to alone, where-as women are perfectly content to do that.

I don't know if that part is true, but I thought it was an interesting nugget in the discussion.

I would disagree with that and argue the reverse. Women tend to stay in a relationship until they have another option all set and ready to go. It's called monkey branching because a monkey doesn't let go of the vine it is leaving until it has a hold onto the next vine it is going to. Women even start to plan ahead in that regard even if their current relationship is going fine. I've seen numbers stating that 43-50% of women in relationships (including marriage) already have a backup man in mind in case their current relationship ends.

 

[soupcan dan]

like the browns and the falcons going into week three-----------0 for 2.

 

[saintmdterps]

So Ive never been married, been living with the same woman 21 years and we have 2 kids together. We had planned to get married but saw it as a waste of money and a piece of paper.

Both of our parents went through multiple ugly divorces and I am sure subconsciously it has an impact. My father thinks we are destroying the sanctity of marriage but he has been contemplating divorce with wife #4 over the past year so it’s almost like we are trolling him at this point and it is fun.

And you get clobbered in taxes by the "marriage penalty" Married 21 years but living in separate houses. Financially it makes no sense, but it will do for now. I really don't have a strong desire to date, I don't want the children seeing a merry-go-round of women (lol!), and I have zero desire for online dating.

That said, I like the idea of living together. No need to complicate things. I'm not a big ceremony person. I'll go for this Native American blessing performed by a tribal elder:

Now you will feel no rain,
for each of you will be shelter for the other.
Now you will feel no cold,
for each of you will be warmth to the other.
Now there will be no loneliness,
for each of you will be companion to the other.
Now you are two persons,
but there is only one life before you.
May beauty surround you both in the
journey ahead and through all the years,
May happiness be your companion and
your days together be good and long upon the earth.
Treat yourselves and each other with respect, and
remind yourselves often of what brought you together.
Give the highest priority to the tenderness,
gentleness and kindness that your connection deserves.
When frustration, difficulties and fear assail your relationship,
as they threaten all relationships at one time or another,
remember to focus on what is right between you,
not only the part which seems wrong.
In this way, you can ride out the storms when
clouds hide the face of the sun in your lives - remembering that
even if you lose sight of it for a moment, the sun is still there.
And if each of you takes responsibility for the quality of your
life together, it will be marked by abundance and delight.

 

[nolaswede]

And you get clobbered in taxes by the "marriage penalty" Married 21 years but living in separate houses. Financially it makes no sense, but it will do for now. I really don't have a strong desire to date, I don't want the children seeing a merry-go-round of women (lol!), and I have zero desire for online dating.

That said, I like the idea of living together. No need to complicate things. I'm not a big ceremony person. I'll go for this Native American blessing performed by a tribal elder:

Now you will feel no rain,
for each of you will be shelter for the other.
Now you will feel no cold,
for each of you will be warmth to the other.
Now there will be no loneliness,
for each of you will be companion to the other.
Now you are two persons,
but there is only one life before you.
May beauty surround you both in the
journey ahead and through all the years,
May happiness be your companion and
your days together be good and long upon the earth.
Treat yourselves and each other with respect, and
remind yourselves often of what brought you together.
Give the highest priority to the tenderness,
gentleness and kindness that your connection deserves.
When frustration, difficulties and fear assail your relationship,
as they threaten all relationships at one time or another,
remember to focus on what is right between you,
not only the part which seems wrong.
In this way, you can ride out the storms when
clouds hide the face of the sun in your lives - remembering that
even if you lose sight of it for a moment, the sun is still there.
And if each of you takes responsibility for the quality of your
life together, it will be marked by abundance and delight.

The taxes thing is weird sometimes. Our CPA said this spring that if we filed Married filing jointly, we would owe $1k. However, if we filed Married filing separately, we would get close to $5k back.

We decided on the second option!

 

[gboudx]

We're 28.5 years into this marriage thing. We did a lot of arguing and fighting in the early years. So much so that we contemplated separating. This was before we had kids. A lot of it was needing to grow up and mature, especially me. We eventually realized the fighting and arguing was mostly about things unimportant in the bigger picture. We still debate things and push each other intellectually, but no more of the knock-down, drag-out arguments that go late into the night.

We bring son #2 to college this coming Friday, and that will mark the beginning of our time as "just us" after 22 years of having a kid at home. We're gonna miss our boys not being home with us, but are more excited about this new chapter of "just us".

 

[sfidc3]

30 years last April….Yep, you have to put the other first sometimes for sure, works both ways….also be secure enough to give the other the space they need. My wife and I both have friends we do stuff with (often separately) and stuff we watch that the other won’t….but we still spend plenty of time together doing things….that and communication are key…..

 

[CapitalCitySaint]

Another important point, about 70% of divorces are initiated by women. I remember someone saying to me once that a man doesn't usually leave a marriage unless he already has another relationship lined up. Men generally don't choose to go from marriage to alone, where-as women are perfectly content to do that.

I don't know if that part is true, but I thought it was an interesting nugget in the discussion.

Based on my anecdotal observations of marriages & even just relationships, this seems to be the case 90% of the time. Monkey branch syndrome. Men are the weaker sex.

 

[guidomerkinsrules]

Based on my anecdotal observations of marriages & even just relationships, this seems to be the case 90% of the time. Monkey branch syndrome. Men are the weaker sex.

I’ve read/heard a lot about strategic incompetence (mostly men pretending they don’t know how to do something or doing it poorly so the wife will do it)
If you’re in a situation where the other is doing most of the work why would you want to change?

 

[saintmdterps]

Based on my anecdotal observations of marriages & even just relationships, this seems to be the case 90% of the time. Monkey branch syndrome. Men are the weaker sex.

I defy the stereotype. I moved out without the thought of even dating, let alone getting remarried.

 

[guidomerkinsrules]

I defy the stereotype. I moved out without the thought of even dating, let alone getting remarried.

Well bc your separation is atypical, correct
If I’ve connected the dots, you both still love each other, you just reached an emotional impasse
Probably due to high stress jobs exacerbated by Covid as much as any structural issue

 

[saintmdterps]

Well bc your separation is atypical, correct
If I’ve connected the dots, you both still love each other, you just reached an emotional impasse
Probably due to high stress jobs exacerbated by Covid as much as any structural issue

You’ve connected the dots well. Moderate PTSD brought about by working in a Covid ravaged nursing home and other personal setbacks requires a space to which I can retreat. This is not hyperbole or drama, it’s just a side effect of four very tough years.

Related to what CCS said, many of these men were to some extent living double lives and then slid into their second life.

Double life? Hell, I couldn’t keep one life from going off the rails.

 

[HoustonSaint68]

We eventually realized the fighting and arguing was mostly about things unimportant in the bigger picture.…
We bring son #2 to college this coming Friday, and that will mark the beginning of our time as "just us" after 22 years of having a kid at home. We're gonna miss our boys not being home with us, but are more excited about this new chapter of "just us".

Yeah so we (my second wife and I) are at 34 years. We‘ve loved and fought rather passionately over them all, but what was always helpful to us was clearly identifying what the fighting was about. I’d say over 90% of the time it was either about the kids or “roommate“ sheet. The kids eventually leave and the household stuff is transitory and relatively unimportant. Plus the cliche stuff about not going to bed angry, religiously carving out alone and reconnect time, small kind gestures every day etc.

We did have a rocky “period of adjustment“ when we piled a bunch of major life adjustments into a small period of time: my retirement, her quitting her job, selling a house, leaving our friends of twenty+ years and moving out of state, buying two homes, babysitting two grandkids, etc. Going from being 12-16 hours a day apart to literally being together 24 hours a day and chasing two toddlers around together four days a week had its rough spots. But there’s something about just KNOWING absolutely that you’re always going to be together that makes it keep working.

 

[Andrus]

Married 43 years today, actually.

 

[HoustonSaint68]

Married 43 years today, actually.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner!