Two guys are driving in the middle of nowhere when the passenger says to the driver "Dude, pull over. Ive gotta go to the bathroom." They pull over in a secluded area near some bushes but the passenger doesnt get out.
Driver: "Whats the problem man? Hurry up so we can get back on the road."
Passenger: "We got any paper towels or a newspaper or something? I need something to use after I go."
Driver: "No..........you got a dollar on you?"
Driver: "Well use that."
The passenger gets out and goes off into the bushes to do his business. After quite some time he finally returns to the car and gets in. "Took you long enough" the driver says as he starts to drive off. They only make it a short way down the road when the driver turns to his passenger and says "Man, you stink. Did you use that dollar like I told you?" The passenger turns to the driver and angrily replies "Yeah, but have you ever tried to wipe with three quarters, two dimes and a nickel!"
I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!." As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. "What's the matter, madam?" he asked. "I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed. "There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"