kevin.barrios
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The buddy cop movie starring Zion, Kamara and many others that you never knew you wanted and still don’t. We hope no feelings were hurt in the making of this film.
Fade In.
EXT. A BIRD’S EYE VIEW OF THE CITY OF NEW ORLEANS - DAY
A cruise ship is docked under the Crescent City Connection. A steamboat whistle cracks through the sound of a distant and muffled whistle in the hook of the instrumental version of Juvenile’s, “Nolia Clap.” The steamboat’s calliope increases in volume juxtaposing aurally with the song. The camera pans quickly hovering above the basketball court next to the NOPD 2nd District station on Magazine St. and Napoleon Ave. where it freezes momentarily, all sound abruptly stops.
Narrator (Zion Williamson):
Though it was carnival season, the air clung to you heavy and damp. Since relocating from North Carolina, I was used to the cold, but nothing like this air that felt like bread from a sandwich that was improperly sealed in an ice chest that had been sitting there for days transforming it into nothing more than a tiny ocean filled with cans of soda and beer bobbing up and down every time a large vehicle drove passed — freezing, wet and dense. It was my first day on the job.
My arrival to New Orleans had me face-to-face with the largest amount of anticipation you could fathom over a 19-year-old with very little experience. You could feel the city buzzing as if I were a savior of sorts — it was a place just wanting to have fun, feel safe and to be loved.
While waiting for my assignment from the academy, I can remember my step dad talking up New Orleans as a possible destination. “They’re a loyal bunch,” he once passionately told me. “Embrace them, and they’ll embrace you no matter what happens.”
That sounded simple enough, but why me? There were other rookies, and promising young veterans being transferred as well — the expectations and hype surrounding my arrival were a pressure cooker, but also motivating enough to make sure I stay on track and never burn out. I constantly heard the rumblings during my days at the academy that I was special, and that no one my age had the traits and skills I possessed so quickly — at least not in this decade. But I just didn’t believe it; I’m a simple guy that just loves what I do. Even if what I do sometimes isn’t very nice for those standing in my way.
I had heard about the unhappiness of previous officers in the city, and some of the famous transfers that soon followed. Apparently if you can’t buy in, you can’t fit in, but I wasn’t going to let their past taint my future. That wasn’t any of my business and I remain focused on defining my own future. I have observed the changes the department had made months prior to my arrival, and I was all in.
My academy class had several highly praised officers. A couple I had the privilege of working with every day and one of them being my best friend. He was sent to a cesspool of a division that is continually spurned by police legends — always settling for past-their-prime highly decorated officers on bloated contracts with one foot already retired. Was he not deserving of the attention I was getting as well? I’m not sure I have those answers, but now it was time to make new friends, and have my first official partner as a professional.
I heard rumors that my partner was a tad eccentric. He was a hero locally for chasing 28 flocks of disease riddled underachieving falcons out of town; he walked to work collecting high fives and phone numbers along the way. His last partner and close friend was recently relocated to Baltimore, and I wasn’t sure if my welcome would be any warmer than this weather. Here I am, in New Orleans about to join an experimental elite police task force and feeling way out of my element.
Let’s Dance.
Dissolve To:
EXT. A WORM’S-EYE-VIEW OF THE SIDEWALK - DAY
Feet in Watermelon Zoom Airheads themed Adidas sneakers glide across the pavement hopping over, spinning and side-stepping the cracks and holes in the sidewalk. The camera zooms out slowly revealing that the feet are connected to Alvin Kamara in NOPD issued football pants, a sport coat that is under light shoulder pads which are held on by criss-crossing bandoliers. As Kamara walks people high five him. Faint shouts of “Yeah you right, Alvin!!!” and “Who Dat?!!!” rain out from balconies and store fronts. A woman hands him her infant son, and Alvin autographs his forehead with a gold paint marker and quickly hands him back. She then slips her business card that is nothing more than her Instagram name and a photo of her arse under his shoulder pads and slaps him on the butt — his eyes buldge and nostrils flair causing the sun to sparkle off of his septum piercing. He smiles and pats his heart and walks into the police station.
Fresh from losing his veteran partner of two years to a controversial transfer, Kamara is called into the station by Chief Jrue Holiday to meet his first opportunity at an understudy. Kamara, never one for a lack of words, yells directionless as he walks towards the lobby.
Alvin Kamara:
Where’s my partner bruh? And what’s with all these damn Avengers posters... Did we hire Thanos?
INT. POLICE STATION LOBBY - DAY
Chief Holiday, fresh off of a promotion of his own, is sitting on the reception desk sipping coffee and having a conversation with Zion Williamson as Kamara enters dapping up his coworkers as they exit the station.
Chief Holiday:
Alvin! Come meet your new partner, Zion. Zion here has recently exited the academy in just one year due to his unbelievable physical gifts, his instincts and feel for a crime scene. He achieved every accolade a cadet could hope for aside from the police league basketball championship, which is extremely hard to fathom.
I know you and Mark had a special connection — ‘Dine and Dash’ will live on in New Orleans folklore forever, but with Williamson joining our Bird Strike Force, I believe he will add some Bash to your Dash. We know you have the balance, but Zion brings the force!
Alvin looks Zion up-and-down as if he’s about to critique a painting.
Alvin Kamara:
Bash to my dash? I see you’re still watching those Kung-Fu movies, huh Chief?
Alvin tugs at Captain Holiday’s kung-fu styled headband.
Yeah, he’ll do, but are we really going to let him walk around in those tiny shorts?
Zion Williamson:
It was standard uniform in my division of the academy — it’s kind of my thing.
Alvin Kamara:
Whatever. Let me grab a Gatorade and then we will cruise the block, get you familiar with the turf.
MONTAGE - DAY TRANSITIONING TO NIGHT
Kamara and Williamson roll through various New Orleans neighborhoods in an unmarked police car, stopping and chatting with locals, chasing down escaped pit bull mixes and returning them to their yards, helping old ladies with their groceries, and dropping beer off to a group of men playing cards underneath a tree on a neutral ground.
INT. UNMARKED POLICE CAR DRIVING DOWN DECATUR ST. - NIGHT
Alvin is driving. Zion sits in the passenger seat. Both are scanning the streets looking for any situation that needs their services. Alvin slams on the breaks.
Alvin Kamara:
Look at this dusty sonuvabitch.
A man in a New Orleans Pelicans hoodie stumbles in front of them. Though his face is covered in the shadows from his hood, you can clearly see a white powdery substance around his nose and caked into his mustache.
Alvin Kamara (taps Zion on the arm):
Hit him with the high-beam.
Zion aims the car’s spotlight into the face of the suspect revealing Josh Hart.
Alvin Kamara:
Oh sheet, that’s just Josh Hart and them damn beignets again. He’s always looking like Scarface behind that sheet. Ya know, rumor has it he just came from Los Angeles, poor guy got one taste of a beignet, hasn’t been the same since. You seen Snowfall?
Kamara flashes the peace sign at Hart. Hart in turn proceeds to pull his hood down revealing his full face. On brand, Hart pulls out a bag of beignets from the pouch in his sweatshirt, holds them out towards the car as an offering while tilting his head back and raising his eyebrows. Kamara looks over at Zion with a look that asks if he is interested. Zion does the “no go” waved hand under the chin hand signal and they speed off.
Dissolve to:
EXT. CITY HALL BUILDING - DAY
A thief cuts the locks off of two bikes on the rack in front of city hall and rolls them away as a security guard stands clueless only two feet away.
Cut to:
INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE - DAY
The office is filled with various pieces of exotic and endangered taxidermy: lion’s heads, tiger paws, elephant tusks, shark fins and a fully intact stuffed Komodo dragon — each piece has a gold plate attached with inscriptions signifying they are gifts from Jimmy John’s corporate office for the mayor’s branches reaching various milestones. On the floor in front of the mayor’s desk is a bear skin rug with a lackered submarine sandwich in its mouth. Mayor Brees sits at his desk sipping from a giant mug that is actually four “#1 Dad” mugs velcroed together. Coffee spills all over his desk from the other three mugs that aren’t touching his lips. His loyal assistant Michael Thomas enters with a mail room intern.
Michael Thomas:
Mayor Brees, the mail room intern has made a horrific discovery!
Mayor Brees:
Yeah, no, ah...is it the polling data on my Eliminate Anthem Protest Initiative?
Michael Thomas (exasperated):
It’s not an anthem protest! It’s about unarmed black men being murdered and systemic racis......
Mayor Brees (interrupting):
Yeah, no, ah...because it is our duty to support the troops. I mean, it’s America and we all love it. It’s the greatest country in the world and those guys risk their...
Michael Thomas (interrupting):
Forget it, you are never going to get it...it isn’t the polling data. He found this letter with the mail. It had no return address or envelope. You need to read it.
Michael pushes the intern who is holding a piece of paper towards the mayor. The intern hands the letter over. The camera zooms in on the note — it is made up of cut and paste letters from various newspapers and magazines and has some orange stains on the edges of each letter. It reads:
Mayor Brees rises from his chair, which is the preserved foot of a brontosaurus complete with a Jimmy John’s franchise owner of the Month plaque screwed into it, and hands the letter back to Thomas.
Mayor Brees:
Yeah, no, ah...we need to get this to Chief Holiday immediately. What kind of sicko puts explosives in king cakes? And what kind of demand is a signature shoe? Also....that alias is a bit of an awkward mouthful.
Michael Thomas:
I attended some profiling seminars at an FBI fundraising bake sale and based off what I’ve learned the suspect appears to lack creativity and a personality. I’d say he has achieved major accolades, but his persona is such that he doesn’t warrant the fame and treasures he thinks he’s earned. These types have trouble making decisions for themselves and are prone to having others dress them. And yes, that moniker is dumb.
Dissolve to:
INT. CHIEF HOLIDAY’S OFFICE - DAY
Holiday is behind his desk flanked by head forensic scientist, Jon Ishop. Kamara and Williamson sit in chairs across from Holiday’s desk.
Chief Holiday:
The mayor’s office has received a very serious terrorist threat via your run-of-the-mill cliched cut and paste ransom note. The terrorist is calling himself “The Definitely 2 Eyebrowed Saboteur.” I’ve had our forensic specialist John Ishop examine it for any leads.
Jon Ishop (hands letter to Kamara):
As you can see there is very little to trace due to there not being a return address or stamp, though there are those unusual stains on the paper. I’ve done extensive tests on them and have diagnosed them as a type of honey mustard sauce.
Alvin Kamara (sniffs the paper):
Fool, that’s buffalo sauce!!!
Zion Williamson (blows a raspberry and shakes his head in disgust):
Man, mustard is YELLOW!!! That sheet is bright orange. What is wrong with you?!!
Frank Jackson rides into Chief Holiday’s office on a miniature motorcycle.
Frank Jackson:
Chief! You have to come to the break room. The terrorist sent a copy of the letter to Fletcher Mackel — it’s all over the TV.
Holiday leaps over his desk, stutter steps and splits between Kamara and Williamson’s chairs running toward the break room. Kamara and Williamson follow behind.
Chief Holiday:
Holy moly!!! Mass hysteria is about to ensue!!!
Dissolve to:
INT. NOPD 2nd DISTRICT BREAK ROOM - DAY
A close up of the break room TV shows WDSU news anchor Fletcher Mackel reporting on the terrorist threat. A montage begins showing people in their homes, in bars and electronics stores transfixed watching as Fletcher reads the ransom note out loud.
Cut to:
INT. KEVIN BARRIOS’ HOUSE
Kevin and Chris Conner sit on Kevin’s couch wearing the classic hand drawn Beavis and Butt-Head AC/DC and Metallica shirts flanked by his dogs, Iverson and Babs. They are eating Popeyes while watching the WDSU news report.
Chris Conner:
Bro, this sheet is f’d up.
Kevin Barrios:
Well, the only people that eat filled king cakes are transplants and butt crevasses so...
Chris Conner:
Bet. You ever think dogs hate us for eating in front of them?
Kevin turns the volume up on TV.
Fletcher Mackel from WDSU:
The scene here in uptown New Orleans is very troublesome. Civilians are rushing to grocery stores in hopes of returning what they thought was a delicious treat that may have been turned into a deadly catastrophe device.
My sources tell me that forensic experts are on their way to thoroughly inspect the sauce that some believe to be Buffalo, which was left behind on the ransom note. In the meantime bomb experts are flooding the city, looking for any clues for a possible attack area, and are stationed at every king cake point of sale.
I myself have worked up 45 different sauce possibilities using the latest Wing Sauce reveal machine, and let me tell you, it’s not as easy as it looks. But if I were choosing a sauce, I’d go with ranch, blue cheese or maybe a nice alfredo. If you have any tips or possible clues don’t hesitate to contact your local police department. The future of the city may depend on it.
Signing off, Fletcher Mackel, WDSU.
Dissolve to:
INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE - DAY
Mayor Brees:
Can you believe this Mike? First the great diamond caper, now this? Why do people think this is the city to play with? If some bastages want to rob us, they’re going to have hell to pay!
Micheal Thomas:
People just want to get paid sometimes.
Mayor Brees:
What?
Micheal Thomas:
Nothing....
Mayor Brees:
Yeah, no, ah...have Chief Holiday send the Bird Strike Force to every wing spot in the area. We need any and all leads. Ok, huddle up. We just gotta do what we do!!! Investigate how we investigate!!! We be us!!! We be smart!!! Ok, from the top!!! 1, 2, wins!!! 3, 4 wins!!! 5, 6 wins!!! 7, 8 wins!!! 9, 10 wins!!! Wins!!! Wins!!! Wins!!!
Cut to:
INT. NOPD 2nd DISTRICT BREAK ROOM - DAY
Chief Holiday:
We don’t have long to find out who the hell is responsible for this damn note and we don’t have much to work with. However, if we can prove the origins of the sauce, we may be able to run the right play.
Alvin Kamara:
I told y’all it was buffalo sauce. I’m going to hit my joints up. Let’s roll rook.
Cut to:
INT. CAR -DAY
Alvin and Zion are driving to investigate various wing spots in the city.
Alvin Kamara:
You checked out Chicken and Watermelon yet?
Zion Williamson:
Is this a racist joke? Because you know we are both black, right?
Alvin Kamara:
Pfff, man...it’s a wing joint. They even got yakamein flavored wings.
Zion Williamson:
I feel like Chris Tucker right now, “I do not understand the words that are coming out of your mouth.” But seriously, y’all let a restaurant name itself that?
Alvin Kamara:
You haven’t seen that episode of Chappelle’s Show? That sheet been squashed. White people love chicken and watermelon, too. Even they say it’s delicious. I got a lot to school your jolly green giant arse on.
Dissolve to:
EXT. CHICKEN AND WATERMELON ON S. CLAIBORNE
Alvin and Zion exit the restaurant licking their fingers — sauce stains their mouths.
Alvin Kamara:
Well, we didn’t learn anything, but those wings fire, huh bruh?
Zion Williamson:
The Definitely 2 Eyebrowed Saboteur definitely didn’t come here. There’s no way you could eat that and want to blow up anything other than a toilet.
Zion farts.
Cut to:
EXT. BAYOU HOT WINGS
Alvin and Zion exit their car in mid-conversation.
Alvin Kamara:
This spot here are these two dudes that used to work for Susan Spicer, so it’s got this real gourmet feel, but it’s still street cause they from the Westbank. They do wings, but they also have gator, shrimp, frog legs and they even got chicken strips, that’s your thing right? The strips?
Zion Williamson:
THAT WAS MY LITTLE BROTHER, MAN!!! Can people cool it with the chicken strips? Anyway, I didn’t think frog legs and alligator were halal.
Alvin Kamara:
No man!! The Westbank!! Not the West Bank...the other side of them two big arse bridges. Come on, your Wyde Drexler arse gonna love this sheet.
Zion Williamson:
We are here for an investigation though, right?
Alvin Kamara:
Yeah, we investigating if you can handle the Bayou Beast Challenge.
Dissolve to:
INT. BAYOU HOT WINGS - DAY
Zion’s eyes are redder than Alvin Gentry’s in a post-game press conference. Tears stream down his face as he takes the last bite, completing the Bayou Beast Challenge which involves eating many lava-like brutally hot wings without a drink in a very short span of time. A crowd has gathered around him cheering him on. Alvin is standing on the counter waving a towel and hollering amping the crowd up. Zion takes a photo with the shirt he won from completing the challenge.
Cut to:
EXT. BAYOU HOT WINGS - DAY
Zion Williamson:
When I was eating those wings, the spice had me hallucinating like it opened my third eye or something. I began to think that what we know of this guy is that he isn’t very creative or original. He wouldn’t go to any of these kinds of places.
Also, he seems so disconnected from the community. He’s more of a fast food or chain restaurant kind of guy. While in these thoughts I also had a mild hallucination of an owl hooting and everything became orange and white. Is there a Hooter’s near here? Would anyone actually bypass these wings for something like that?
Alvin Kamara:
If they have them here, they aren’t in the city proper, that’s for sure. I’d never waste a move on that, but I’ll check my phone. Oh dang, they got one on the Westbank and in Metairie. Damn, check this out, the last photo the Metairie location posted on their Facebook page is a Hooter’s girl holding up a newsletter that had some letters cut out of it. Let’s bounce. Hit up Chief Holiday and tell him to meet us there.
Dissolve to:
INT. HOOTERS, METAIRIE, LA - DAY
The gang arrive at Hooters in hopes of finding the sauce and to match the letters from the the ransom note to the Hooter’s newsletter. Barging in first however is Zion, making a fast-break to the first employee he sees.
Zion Williamson:
Give me every damn sauce you got. Right now!
Alvin Kamara:
Well, damn Eddie Murphy, this isn’t 48 Hrs. It doesn’t work like that in real life, you know?
Chief Holiday:
There won’t be another 48 hours if we don’t get some answers quickly.
Zion, Holiday, and Kamara taste every sauce they possibly can together, slowly taking turns to savor each selection...before Chief Holiday let’s out a scream.
Chief Holiday:
Zion, you’re a genius! Are you sure you’re a rookie? I’ve had veterans that don’t have your poise — this sauce is definitely a match!!! The Definitely 2 Eyebrowed Saboteur was most certainly here.
Zion Williamson:
I just try to do what’s best for the team chief. It ain’t all about me, but seriously you think I’m better than that one partner you had? The one that you said was so special, but got corrupted by the bright lights.
Chief Holiday:
Don’t start! That guy walked so you could run young fella! He’s the reason I even stayed at this precinct!
Alvin Kamara (whispers to Zion):
All that money didn’t hurt either...
As Holiday goes into a long transfer request story gone wrong by his former partner, he pauses and looks towards the manager of the Hooters, Paula Rich.
Chief Holiday:
Hey Paula, remember the good ole days when we’d visit you unannounced and it was no big deal?
Paula Rich:
Those were sure the days. Hadn’t seen you in forever, but your boy has been coming by a lot recently. We caught up on each other’s lives. He seems different now.
Chief Holiday:
Who's my boy?
Paula Rich:
C’mon now, you spend all summer with him bouncing on trampolines while holding weights and you want to act like you don’t know who I’m talking about? I got Instagram.
Chief Holiday:
You mean Anthony!?
Paula Rich:
Who else? You gotta stop tying those head bands so tight!
Chief Holiday:
Well no, that’s just odd...he told me he was staying in LA, never looking back. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t tell me he was in town.
Zion and Kamara take turns giving each other uncomfortable looks, as there may be an unexpected development unveiling right in front of them. Their Chief for once is at a standstill and is euro-stepping between the reality of what he’s about to ask next and the unwelcoming realization —that he already knows the answer.
Chief Holiday (Trembling):
So what did Anthony order?
Paula Rich:
His regular original hot 10 piece order I believe, extra buffalo sauce. Why do you ask?
Dissolve to:
EXT. STALLINGS PLAYGROUND - DAY
A sign hangs over a pavilion that reads: “Alvin Kamara’s First Annual BBQ For That White Girl That was Lip-Syncing to Cardi B on the Internet in a Wedding Dress.” Kermit Ruffins is barbecuing on a barrel pit playing trumpet along to a DJ Jubilee block party Spotify playlist. The crowd is dancing, eating and sipping on frozen daiquiris. Alvin Kamara, Zion Williamson and Chief Holiday have huddled up away from the party under a tree formulating a plan.
Chief Holiday:
Anthony is a lot of things, but there’s no way he’s behind this. I mean he doesn’t even have two eyebrows.
Zion Williamson:
Well, if he isn’t the terrorist, he was in the same restaurant. Maybe he knows something. We need to talk to him.
Alvin Kamara:
I mean, it is weird that he’s ghosting you while he’s in town. I know he dipped and ruined your partnership, but you always seemed bigger than that and you always had his back. Something ain’t right. You have any idea where he’d be while he’s in New Orleans?
Chief Holiday:
You know, sometimes when he was down or just needed a place where he’d truly feel comfortable, I would find him just lying in the MRI machine in the arena. It had become his second home — a sort of sanctuary. Maybe we should look for him there. I certainly have questions.
Alvin rips the banner down, and shouts that the cookout has been cancelled. He grabs Zion and Holiday’s arms and pulls them towards the car.
Alvin Kamara:
This sheet was dumb anyway. You know her Peyton Manning looking uncle was only in it for clout — we got a city to save like ya boy Mega Man.
Zion Williamson:
Don’t you mean Iron Man?
Alvin Kamara:
I thought he was dead?
Zion Williamson:
.........
Cut to:
INT. THE BASEMENT OF THE SMOOTHIE KING CENTER - NIGHT
Alvin, Zion and Chief Holiday run through the NO Basketball Corridor of Fame on the way to the MRI machine that Holiday’s former partner made so famous.
The North walls are filled with memorabilia: a shadowbox of unused Monty Williams timeouts, an autographed Cash Considerations jersey, a video screen showing a slideshow of Instagram models’ pictures that Tyreke Evans liked while having his knee examined and Aaron Gray’s original Rouse’s Hornet for a Day Contract.
As you continue down the hall there are E’Twaun Moore Alley Oop challenge machines of death (a brutal and extremely dangerous take on the pop-a-shot machine), a random list of the other 29 NBA teams, Nikola Mirotic’s beard shavings from 2018, and a fan favorite of the NBA 2K series: “Beat the 10-day contract,” where fans can play as Jimmer Fredette.
The south walls show a framed box of instant grits, a toy heart bordered around by Cacti and the letters “AZ”, and an empty display case with an engraved golden plate that reads: “Future First round picks.”
They journey towards the end of the exhibit past the ashes of Gerald Wallace from when he was vanquished on an Emeka Okafor screen, seven years worth of Los Angeles county fair raffle tickets, and the ruby shoes Austin Rivers wore as a rookie — which he should have clicked together three times and returned to Duke.
As the trio near the medical examination room, the creaky sound of a hinged door opening rings out followed by the sound of the MRI machine door slamming and hurried footsteps. They enter the room just as a 7’ tall shadowy figure sprints from the room and leaps to the second level window escaping.
Zion barrels through the wall, leaving a Kool Aid Man shaped hole in the side of the arena, in pursuit. Kamara follows. Holiday stays behind inspecting the MRI machine where he finds wing bones, a Space Jam 2 script, a check for four-million dollars made out to cash with two winking emojis in the “For:” line and a can of Red Bull. Holiday then exits through the hole Zion created.
Cut to:
EXT. THE SMOOTHIE KING CENTER - NIGHT
Zion and Alvin are walking back towards the arena looking dejected.
Zion Williamson:
We lost him. When we got to the I-10, a mysterious tall man in what looked like a motorized barber’s chair on wheels sipped a glass of wine and lowered his coattails to the suspect who then climbed them up to the interstate. Then the man in the in the barber’s chair told the suspect to just stand in the corner and wait while he drove off. He just kept driving and the suspect just kept waiting and waiting — finally a Land Rover Defender picked him up and he moved off the spot.
Chief Holiday:
When you say suspect, you mean AD, right?
Alvin Kamara:
I don’t think so chief, this guy was built just like him, but he definitely had two eyebrows.
Chief Holiday:
That’s so weird, look what I found in the MRI machine.
Chief Holiday shows Zion and Alvin the bones, the script, the check and the can.
Zion Williamson:
Something just isn’t adding up, but we need to figure something out because we still haven’t located the explosive king cakes.
Dissolve to:
INT. CHIEF HOLIDAY’S OFFICE - DAY
Alvin Kamara and Zion Williamson walk into the office and take a seat. Holiday is on the phone eyes bugged out, mouth agape and shrugging. Unintelligible shouting can be heard through the phone followed by a loud bang from the person on the other line slamming the phone down. Holiday shakes his head.
Chief Holiday:
The mayor has been up my arse all morning. He’s furious over the damage we caused at the arena. He’s also rightfully frustrated by our lack of progress. He’s assigning Cam Jordan and his Boonk Gang Task Force to find the king cakes. He’s threatening our jobs if we can’t produce this spineless terrorist soon.
Alvin Kamara:
Damn man, Mayor Brees is throwing us under the bus like he’s LeBron James and we are ahhh...David Blatt. We can handle it Chief, this guy’s a joke.
Chief Holiday:
This guy has explosives planted all over the city and we don’t have a clue where they are or who he is, so chill with the pity party and get me some results! Do I need to get Mike G in here to whip you two into shape?
INT. THE SMOOTHIE KING CENTER - NIGHT
A long shadowy figure crawls around the rafters of the arena looking for a safe place to rest. He pulls out his phone and the light from his screen reveals his face. Apart from having two eyebrows, he looks exactly like Anthony Davis. The figure scrolls through his Twitter feed and the camera pans closer and closer on his face. It becomes clear that he has a single strip of flesh colored tape covering the bridge of his nose, which has turned his patented unibrow into two distinct eyebrows if you are squinting or looking from a distance. The Definitely 2 Eyebrowed Saboteur is Anthony Davis, who is banking on Clark Kent levels of disguise to hide his true identity. As he scrolls through his timeline, his eyebrows tell the tale of anger and disappointment as he reads news that another one of his plots have been foiled. He opens a live Twitter stream where Fletcher Mackel is reporting.
Fletcher Mackel:
While the identity and whereabouts of The Definitely 2 Eyebrowed Saboteur remain a mystery, his frighteningly filled king cake bomb plot has been foiled. We don’t have the details of how the cakes were located or defused because the writers of this movie are using a lazy narrative device from mid-’80s to early ‘90s sitcoms — made famous by “227” and “Golden Girls” — where major conflicts are resolved during commercial breaks and a character explains how the issue was handled quickly and without much detail in a conversation moving the story along to the next plot point — it was mostly a budget thing as they didn’t have the money for multiple sets. All I can tell you is that the threat was neutralized, and that Cam Jordan and his Boonk Gang Task Force were the ones to find and dispose of the explosive pastries. As you can see, they are celebrating behind me.
Cam Jordan and members of the Saints’ defense are pantomiming a photoshoot in the background. Ken Crawley is holding up a king cake and without thinking it through takes a huge bite. He explodes all over his teammates and Fletcher Mackel. Blood and chunks of flesh drip off of the camera lens.
Marshon Lattimore:
OH MY GOD!!! THEY KILLED KENNY!!!!
Cam Jordan:
You bastages.
Fletcher wipes off his face, fixes his hair and finishes his report like a Pulitzer Prize winner.
Reporting for WDSU, I’m Fletcher Mackel, and I now need a dry cleaner and perhaps therapy. I mean did you see that shi...
The feed cuts out. Davis jumps from the rafters to the backboard of a goal and then to the Smoothie King Center floor where he crumbles like we’ve seen many times before — often after an E’Twaun Moore murderous-intentioned alley-oop. Davis sobs loudly.
Anthony Davis:
Why can’t I win in this city?!!!!
He rises from the floor with a deranged look in his eyes.
I’m not done here yet! They will pay for the wasted years and the boos!
Cut to:
A montage rolls of Davis calling other NBA players — Kevin Love, Myles Turner, Goran Dragic, Marcus Smart, Mikal Bridges and Chandler Parsons — inviting them to a celebrity basketball camp he’s hosting on a rooftop basketball court in a parking tower located in the CBD.
Dissolve to:
EXT. CBD PARKING GARAGE - DAY
The players arrive to the location of the camp. They each hold directions that are once again made from letters cut out of magazines that are also stained with buffalo sauce. The directions are:
“Enter through the rear. There you will see the security guard’s locker room. Your uniforms have been laid out for you — make sure to wear the neck sweatband it is from a new sponsor and they are funding the event. That electronic block on it tracks your heart rate and samples your sweat using the data to suggest dietary changes to help you maximize your metabolism, healing and endurance. Once you are dressed head to the 4th floor that’s where I’ll meet you with the staff and we will go over the game plan and schedule.”
The players do as told and take the elevator to the 4th floor. As the elevator opens they are instantly assaulted with an intense cloud of carbon monoxide. Davis has had parked cars running for hours in the lot. The players immediately succumb and pass out due to mild carbon monoxide poisoning. Davis, wearing a gas mask ties each player up and carries them to the rooftop. He removes the gas mask as the NBA players regain consciousness.
Marcus Smart:
Yo, what is all this about?
Anthony Davis:
This city has once again ruined my plans, and I refuse to let them win. Those neck sweatbands around your neck are actually bombs and I hold the detonator. If my new set of demands are not met, your blood is on their hands.
Kevin Love:
But why do you have that tape on the bridge of your nose?
Davis taps his temple with his index finger.
Anthony Davis:
Exactly.
Cut to:
EXT. CBD PARKING GARAGE - NIGHT
The police have surrounded the building. Alvin Kamara, Zion Williamson and Chief Holiday are interrogating Fletcher Mackel.
Fletcher Mackel:
The Definitely 2 Eyebrowed Saboteur called the station and asked to speak with me. I think he put a sock in his mouth to disguise his voice because he was very hard to understand. However, what I pieced together is that he has Kevin Love, Myles Turner, Goran Dragic, Marcus Smart, Mikal Bridges and Chandler Parsons tied up on the rooftop with explosives around their necks. He holds the detonator and if it falls out of his hand their heads explode like in “The Running Man.”
Chief Holiday:
That movie was sick. A truly underrated performance from Richard Dawson. So what does this lunatic want?
Fletcher Mackel:
He still wants a signature shoe, but he did text me a new list of five more demands: A helicopter that will take him to Los Angeles, a contusion rapid healing device, undying appreciation even from those he spurned, he wants to be known as “The Most Dominant Villain in the League of Villains,” and he apparently left the 5th one blank because he only wants to play the four. I’ve never seen a list like this before in all my years of covering negotiations and simulating exchanges.
Zion Williamson:
Did he mean “The League of Shadows?”
Alvin Kamara:
Ya boy ain’t built for Gotham — that media would eat his arse up.
Zion Williamson:
Also, I’ve seen this dude. He’s like 7’ — no one gives signature shoes to big men — they just don’t sell. And all that other stuff...man...he seems a little insecure for being such a big man, no? Besides, who’s going to want shoe strings made out of eyebrow hair?
Alvin Kamara:
This is all preposterous! What do you want to do, Chief?
Chief Holiday:
I think we need to call in our negotiator and see if he can talk him down, or at least buy us some time to come up with an extraction strategy.
Fletcher Mackel:
Too bad Superintendent Williams was fired he was great at drawing up plans to run after a brief negotiation. Chief, do you really trust the negotiator we have? He has a history of overpaying terrorists.
Chief Holiday:
He’s made mistakes before, but to be fair the city never gave him the funding and resources he needed to make the best decisions — all of their investment was in the fire department under the previous regime. He was also a crucial voice in giving me a fat raise when many didn’t believe I had earned it so I think I should also give him a chance.
Alvin Kamara:
sheet, you continually outperform your contract, but I mean this is like a major negotiation, The stakes are higher than Juvenile at Caesar’s. You really trust him?
Fletcher Mackel:
Count me as skeptical. I mean, remember the Point God standoff in 2011? Fair or unfair, should he have the right to negotiate another standoff of this magnitude?
Chief Holiday waves the doubters off and takes out his walkie-talkie.
Chief Holiday:
Get Negotiator Demps down here immediately.
Cut to:
EXT. CBD PARKING LOT ROOF - NIGHT
Anthony Davis paces around anxiously. His hostages squirm uncomfortably.
Mikal Bridges:
Anthony, man, we are hungry and thirsty. There’s no food or water up here. Can you please get us something?
Davis calls Fletcher Mackel on his phone.
Anthony Davis:
It’s the Definitely 2 Eyebrowed Saboteur. I can see you down there among the police who have surrounded the building. I also see a crowd of civilians forming. I don’t want anyone to get hurt so you need to get me someone to talk to soon.
Fletcher Mackel:
Hang tight, Negotiator Demps has just arrived.
Fletcher hands his phone to Demps.
Negotiator Demps:
What’s the situation up there? How many people have you got? Talk me through what’s going on.
Anthony Davis:
I have six NBA players as hostages and the parking lot security guard. They are strapped to bombs. If anything happens to me, I drop the detonator and they all die.
Negotiator Demps:
Okay, Fletcher has filled me in on your demands, but it is going to take some time to get what you need. I mean, we need to set up a sweatshop and find enough 8-year-olds to make your shoes. Then we need to find a helicopter that can fly from here to LA without refueling. Some of these things you’re asking for aren’t easy gets — I’m not sure all of them even exist or how to quantifiably show you that they have been achieved. I need you to work with me. While I’m briefing our local shoe designer, what do you say you release a single hostage so we both show that we are willing to work together. You let one out and I’ll have sketches of a shoe for you.
Anthony Davis:
I don’t know. It doesn’t feel right. I don’t know if I can trust you to provide me with what I need to fulfill my true promise.
Negotiator Demps:
Look, how about this: you send down the security guard but you keep your high profile hostages and I’ll show you the shoe designs.
Anthony Davis:
Okay, but no funny stuff or I’ll blow them all to hell.
Davis pulls his hoodie up over his head and puts on the gas mask to help conceal his face. He leads the guard to the elevator.
Cut to:
EXT. GROUND LEVEL OF THE CBD PARKING GARAGE - NIGHT
The security guard emerges from the backdoor with Davis right behind. Demps briskly walks towards the two. Kamara and Williamson start to follow. Davis quickly grabs the guard and raises his hand showing the detonator. Demps motions for Alvin and Zion to fallback.
Anthony Davis:
Ho, ho, hold up!!! Stay back!!! That’s close enough. Fold the shoe sketches up into a paper airplane and throw them towards me.
Demps follows Davis’ instructions. Davis unfolds the paper and sees that the sketches are for the Cafe Du Monde inspired sneakers designed by Blaine McGowan of Politics. Davis crumples up the sketch and throws it back at Demps.
These are the Josh Hart’s signature shoe!!! You are negotiating in bad faith!!! Get him out of my sight!!! You better get me someone better to talk to or you’ll be scraping brains off the streets!!!
Davis yanks the guard back inside and they head back to the rooftop.
Cut to:
INT. THE WDSU VAN PARKED OUTSIDE OF THE PARKING GARAGE - NIGHT
Fletcher, Chief Holiday, Alvin and Zion are huddled around Fletcher’s laptop.
Fletcher Mackel:
While Demps was negotiating, I started to play around on this Hostage Negotiation Trade Machine that I had found online. I can enter any number and combination of the terrorist’s demands and see what kinds of returns I should realistically be able to get from him. It seems like I can’t save everyone, but if we give him his a contusion device, the undying appreciation even from those he spurned and a signature shoe, I think we can get him to release Kevin Love, Goran Dragic and Chandler Parsons. That should be good enough. I love all three of those guys.
Zion, Alvin and Holiday all look at each other making faces that show their complete disaproval or faces that just ate an Atomic Warhead sour candy.
Zion Williamson:
What good is releasing just three hostages? And why just those three? The rest just die? What kind of plan is that? And why does it say that there is a negative 10-game projection from these results underneath your proposed negotiation?
Fletcher Mackel:
Just ignore that.
Chief Holiday:
I’m calling the Queen. She needs to get us Negotiator Griffin.
Alvin Kamara:
Didn’t he retire? I heard he was working on the True Crime Network and loving it. Heard he turned down like three major jobs. Why would he come here?
Chief Holiday:
Because Queen Benson will be willing to invest in whatever he needs.
Zion Williamson:
I don’t know man, I’ve heard he’s got some outrageous demands.
Alvin Kamara:
Aye man like Soulja Slim said, “She’ll pay for it, if she wants it.”
Zion Williamson:
Who?
Holiday puts in the call to Queen Benson, who offers a blank check deal to Negotiator Griffin. He quickly arrives on the scene and immediately engages with Davis via Fletcher’s phone.
Negotiator Griffin:
Hello, can I call you 2-Brow? It’s informal, I know, but I like to think of us all as a family. I want to build a family-like environment with you. I’m David Griffin and I’m here to discuss some options with you.
I know you were lead astray and feel unfulfilled by the previous negotiator’s tenure. I’m not him. I have no relationship with him and I want to show you that I’m here with a brand new start. I’m sure you and your hostages are hungry and tired. Can I get you some food, drinks and perhaps some pillows or chairs to sit on?
Anthony Davis:
Mikal is whining like a baby about being hungry. I guess we could eat.
Mikal Bridges:
I’m whining?!! You up here crying about a city winning when you don’t even live here anymore. Man, get me some food!
Negotiator Griffin:
Ok, how about I get some take-out from Commander’s Palace and have that sent up?
Anthony Davis:
Nah, I don’t do chicken fingers, just wings.
Zion Williamson:
OH MY GOD!!! When is this sheet going to end?!!! I had SHRIMP!!!!
Anthony Davis:
Send up some Red Bulls and chicken wing flavored Ruffles potato chips — cha-ching.
Goran Dragic:
Americans eat like pigs.
Marcus Smart:
Nah, this dude is just a 5 year-old in like a 7-foot body. I heard he doesn’t even dress himself. He needs to call Iggy or Russ for some tips.
Negotiator Griffin:
Give me 5 minutes and I’ll have it sorted out.
Davis emerges from the parking lot holding the detonator high above his head for everyone to see. He looks over and sees a cop with his hand on his gun.
Anthony Davis:
Look at him!!! Why’s he touching his gun?!!! He wants to kill me so bad he can taste it.
Davis tries to rile the crowd up to chant with him.
Attica!!! Attica!!! Attica!!!
No one reacts.
What? You’ve never seen that movie? It’s vintage Pacino!!!
A Civilian in the Back of the Crowd:
Look at the Pelican fly!!!
David Griffin instructs Zion to remove the officer that was reaching for his gun.
Negotiator Griffin:
Get him out of here!! I’m sorry about that. Believe me that’s the last thing we want. We want the hostages returned to us. We want you to get what you need and to get you out of here safely.
Griffin signals to Alvin and Zion to bring the Red Bull and chips to the elevator. Davis takes the food to the roof.
Negotiator Griffin:
I know what you want. And I’ve dealt with needs like yours before plenty of times. I’m here to make it happen, but you’re going to have to work with me.
Anthony Davis:
No, you haven’t, Griffin! Nobody here has ever cared about the things I did right. They only focused on the negative.
Negotiator Griffin:
I understand, but you and I can focus on the positive. How about this, if we gave you some of those demands, would you consider scrapping the helicopter and figuring things out here versus across the country?
Anthony Davis:
No, I think it’s in both of our best interests that we move on and away. NOW GIVE ME WHAT I WANT BEFORE SOMEBODY GETS HURT!
Negotiator Griffin:
Okay. Okay listen, I know you mentioned you wanted a helicopter to California. Would you consider any other place?
Anthony Davis:
All 49 other states are an option at this point.
Negotiator Griffin:
Okay that’s fair, but if I get you that helicopter to Los Angeles, I’m going to need more than just the hostages back from you. I could give you your other demands now easily and send you elsewhere. I hear Boston or Brooklyn are lovely places for someone with your skills.
Anthony Davis:
Okay, you know what, forget what I said, just get me to L.A. I’ll sacrifice whatever else I need to. Hell, I’ll stand in this corner for a year if need be.
Negotiator Griffin:
Well then we’ll get you to L.A., but under a few conditions: I need you to remove the bombs from the hostages necks and send one down every five minutes once you see the helicopter approaching. I also need you to drop all of your other demands.
Anthony Davis:
Wait a minute, you want me to withdraw my demands AND release every hostage!? You’re killing me Griffin.
Negotiator Griffin:
I’m also going to need you to give me whatever money you have in your wallet. And I’ll need any immediate family photos. It’s the only way... What do you say? I can send that helicopter anywhere else should you agree, but if it has to be L.A., I need these additional things from you.
Paula Rich, the manager from Hooter’s, steps up from behind the crowd wearing a Houston Oilers jersey.
Paula Rich:
Do what he what he asks!!! I’ll meet you in L.A. I’m opening a new branch out there and have lots of investment opportunities for you!!! I can’t believe you Griffin. For all of the business we’ve done together, how can you treat my number one customer like this?
David Griffin:
It’s nothing personal Paula. You and I have made magic together before and I’m sure we can do it again. In the end you will see that I gave you what you both wanted.
Paula Rich:
As long as you can promise to continue negotiating in good faith, I don’t see why not. We’ll see you around.
Alvin, Zion and Chief Holiday look at each other confused. The helicopter approaches. Griffin uses hand signals to send Zion and Alvin to the rooftop. Zion leaps from the edge of each floor until he is just below the roof. Alvin dashes up the fire escape leaping over railings on his way up.
Anthony Davis:
You drive a hard bargain Griffin. But fine, here’s my wallet, and all my pictures. You can have them all. No matter what you take, I’ll have more in L.A.
Before I go, however, I have something to say. All I ever wanted from this city was understanding. A chance to succeed through lessons and show why I’m my own CEO. Instead, I was met with incompetence and inconsistency.
David Griffin:
You think L.A gives you that?
Anthony Davis:
I do. It’s my time to spread my wings. I’m sorry the city had to be held hostage in the process, but with that being said, I guess there’s only one thing left to say:
That’s all folks.
Davis empties the contents of his wallet — including a photo of his daughter and puts them in his sock. He drops them over the side of the parking garage for Griffin. Griffin notices Davis’ watch.
Negotiator Griffin:
I like that watch. Send that down too. And start releasing those hostages.
Davis let’s out an exasperated sigh, removes his watch and drops it down. Michael Thomas arrives to the scene just in time to make a spectacular diving catch. Davis removes the bombs from their necks and begins sending them down one at a time. He also powers off the detonator and puts it on the ground.
The helicopter begins its descent. Zion and Alvin both make their move. Davis sees Zion jump up 5’ from his left standing between him and the helicopter. He spins and notices Alvin appear from the far end of the rooftop. He looks back at Zion while pulling a gun from his waistband.
Then for some reason instead of taking the easy point blank shot at Zion he spins, steps back and takes aim at Kamara who is now about 22’ away. Zion leaps to contest hitting Davis’ hand as he pulls the trigger.
Davis gets the shot off, but Zion changed the trajectory and the bullet strikes the detonator. All of the neckband bombs explode. The helicopter crashes into Company Burger due to the force of the explosion. Luckily no tomatoes were harmed in the crash — because they refuse to put them on their burgers.
Zion, Alvin and Anthony tumble through the various levels of the garage bouncing off of cars as the spiral downward. Davis hits the ground first. Zion lands over him in a crouched position with his arse teetering above AD’s face as if he had just brutally dunked on him. Alvin is buried under a pile of rubble.
Zion puts what he knows as The Definitely 2 Eyebrowed Saboteur in handcuffs. Kamara picks himself up out of the rubble and walks over and pulls the flesh colored tape off of the bridge of The Definitely 2 Eyebrowed Saboteur’s nose revealing a unibrow.
Alvin Kamara:
The Definitely 2 Eyebrowed Saboteur was Anthony Davis the whole time! We weren’t going to let you ruin another season — Carnival is saved!!!
Anthony Davis:
I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling stars who’ve actually bought into and embraced the city.
A crowd of civilians have now gathered around and they all transform into zombies saying slowly in a zombie like fashion, “If you love this city, it will more than love you back.” One of the zombies holds up a cross-stitch she made with that phrase on it followed by a skull and crossbones and a fleur-de-lis. She then bites a stray cat on the head and it becomes a zombie and meows, “If you love this city, it will more than love you back.”
Zion Williamson:
Alvin, should we be concerned about that sheet there?
Alvin Kamara:
Nah, save that one for the sequel.
Zion then looks quizzically at Davis seeing that things may not be what they appear. He reaches his hand out grabbing Davis by the face ripping it off revealing it was just a mask. Behind the mask is a giant hand. The hand is wearing three championship rings — 2 from the Miami Heat and one from the Cleveland Cavaliers. Zion and Alvin look at each other confused. They hear sounds from the intact part of the rooftop — an unidentified man holding a notebook jumps off of the parking garage using a parachute stitched together from the jackets of 27 books written about LeBron James.
Zion Williamson:
Yo, was that Windhorst?
Alvin shrugs and turns his attention back to the giant hand in Anthony Davis’ clothing.
Alvin Kamara:
Look at those rings — The Definitely 2 Eyebrowed Saboteur was just a LeBron James puppet this whole time.
Zion Williamson:
Is that the “basically broke hand” from the NBA Finals?
Mayor Brees glides into the scene on the Jimmy John’s corporate hang-glider — a bar connected to two bald eagle’s wings that have been stitched together.
Mayor Brees:
Yeah, no, ah...great job, Bird Strike Force. Though you’ve destroyed half of downtown, I’m going to continue your funding, and tomorrow you will get to meet the queen. I’m sure she’ll have something special for you to show the city’s gratitude.
Alvin Kamara:
The Queen? Word?! Is it okay if I bring this ski-mask?
Mayor Brees:
Those are still a thing?
Zion Williamson:
Who’s the rookie here again?
Dissolve to:
INT. THE SMOOTHIE KING CENTER - DAY
The Pelican mini drummers pound away as the pelicans senior and regular dance teams perform center court in front of stage where a wrought iron throne welded together from the barbs hurled at Queen Gayle Benson from the national media during the early days of her reign sits at the center. At the top of the throne it says, “The Widow” — to her right stands Mayor Brees and Chief Holiday. To her left stands Zion Williamson and Alvin Kamara.
Queen Gayle Benson:
For years this city has deserved the loyalty from it’s protectors. Loyalty in not just in the good times, but in the bad as well.
Superintendent Alvin Gentry (interrupting) :
F**k yeah!
Gentry makes a quick lap around the ceremony high-fiving everyone he sees, belching as he bashfully admits to recently chugging a few beers.
Queen Gayle Benson:
Thank you, Superintendent Gentry.
With any kind of support in life, expect a level of hate to follow. Detractors come in many forms; snakes hide under the crevices. But in the end, it takes a special kind of individual, or two when remaining steady. Alvin, Zion, you kept this city steady, and I expect you to for years to come. I could go on all day about your heroic efforts, but in this town there’s only one way to truly reward you.
I present you The Go-Cups to the City, which will allow you to drink for free at any bar or restaurant in New Orleans. Thank you so much for all your hard work, and I look forward to the future accomplishments you’ll continue to bring this city.
Kamara and Zion accept their Go-Cups as only they can, celebrating in a dance together. Kamara however, notices one thing Zion will need to fully enjoy his freshly embarked legend status in NOLA.
Alvin Kamara:
Aye rook, you’ve proved a ton today, but you’re going to have to prove you’re 21 once we get to these doors.
Zion Williamson (laughing);
I’ve had to get past much taller doors trust me — have you ever heard of Tacko Fall?
Alvin Kamara:
How about you “tacko” this fake ID and keep it moving. You hungry? Maybe it’s time we roll up on Josh again and get a few of them beignets then test these cups out at Molly’s.
Zion Williamson:
Remind me, what’s a beignet?
Alvin Kamara:
A potential career-ender for you, but you gotta holler at least once.
Fade to Black.
THE END. ROLL CREDITS.
Cut to:
EXT. THE NEUTRAL GROUND OUTSIDE OF IGOR’S CHECK POINT CHARLIE - DAY
A white man with dreadlocks plays hacky-sack while an equally white and dreadlocked female companion performs a hula hoop routine near their make-shift hand-blown glass pipe kiosk located within arms reach of a poet-for-hire. A herd of zombies slowly approach all muttering “If you love this city, it will more than love you back.” The woman smiles and offers the piece sign.
Woman:
It’s all about love. The city just gets us, and we love it for it.
The zombie herd rapidly descends on the three transplants peddling their wares on the neutral ground, grabbing their heads and biting them viciously. The couple then rise, join the herd and add to the voices in the chant. “If you love this city, it will more than love you back.” “If you love this city, it will more than love you back.” “If you love this city, it will more than love you back.” And so on. The poet-for-hire continues to type away on his typewriter, but at a much slower pace. The camera zooms in on his prose which begins with some badly ripped off Neutral Milk Hotel lyrics:
“When you were young you were the Zulu king of magnolia flowers
And how you built a balcony tumbling through the beads
In holy french quarter rats that fell all around where you got your shoes.”
Then devolves further into:
“If you love this city, it will more than love you back. If you love this city, it will more than love you back. If you love this city, it will more than love you back. If you love this city, it will more than love you back. If you love this city, it will more than love you back. If you love this city, it will more than love you back.” Over and over again.
Cut to:
EXT. LAFAYETTE SQUARE - DAY
Fletcher Mackel stands in the street behind a stage. A crowd of zombies sway slowly behind him as they stare mesmerized at the stage. Music can be heard coming from the background.
Fletcher Mackel (mid report):
...scientist are calling the outbreak “The Love You Back Virus.” They are unsure of the origin, but some believe it can be traced back to a viral campaign from an infected branding manager. One thing is for sure, it is taking over every part of the city including Wednesday’s at the Square, which you can see behind me. Love is supposed to be eternal, but tonight it is undying.
The camera cuts to the stage where a zombie band slowly and badly fumble with their instruments. A lead vocalist in a fedora and gray eyes stands almost lifeless at the microphone repeating, “If you love this city, it will more than love you back.” over and over again.
Fade to black:
Narrarator:
Alvin Kamara and Zion Williamson return in the next installment of the Bird Strike Force...
Giant letters made out of rotting flesh and bone appear on the screen forming the words, “Love Never Dies.”
Love...Never....DIES!!!
The flesh on the, “s” drips off leaving just the bone.
Dissolve to:
EXT. CHAMPIONS SQUARE - DAY
Footage from a drone flying high over the square shows a massive crowd of people awkwardly bumping into each other. Banners advertising Gleason Gras are on display. The camera shifts to a ground level shot revealing a giant herd of zombies occupying the square. It then cuts to Zion Williamson and Alvin Kamara running underneath the former walkway that connected New Orleans Centre and its parking garage. Their footseps echo loudly as does the alto-saxophone version of Saun Paul’s, “Get Busy/Like Glue.” Alvin side-steps and spins around bros trying to hand him Monster Energy drinks and Zion leaps over a man selling bootlegged Gleason Gras shirts and cold can beers. As they reach the opening into Champions Square they skid to a stop. The camera quickly shifts to the crowd of zombies who all stop moving when they notice our heroes. The herd parts and a zombified Superintendent Gentry and recently recruited Police Spokesman, Todd Graffagnini emerge. The herd comes back together into a giant mass of rotting limbs and drool behind them. Graffagnini and Gentry look at each other.
Todd Graffagnini (whispers):
If you love this city, it will more than love you back.
Superintendent Gentry (Screams):
If you love this city, it will more than love you back!!!!
The zombies rush towards Kamara and Williamson, who immediately turn around and run for their lives. The camera cuts to an extreme closeup of a very nervous Alvin Kamara.
Alvin Kamara:
sheet, if it is going to be this kind of party I’m going to stick my di....
Cut to Black.
Narrarator:
Coming to theaters this...May....Be
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