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You sound like Thomas Jefferson. I mean that in a good way.I started out Baptist, became a Catholic and now I am not sure what I am. When I was taking classes to become Catholic the last day was a day of quiet no talking etc. At the end everyone was moved to tears except me. I was very frustrated. Everyone was saying the felt Jesus and God moving in them. Yet I felt nothing. I prayed, I asked to feel the same way. I asked myself if I had done too many things to be forgiven. Over the next year or 2 I continued trying. I was a lecter, taught Sunday school, trained alter assistants etc. Nothing changed. I saw I was a good person but the sames sins (according to the church) didn't go away. I was still the same person. I gave it all up and quit going. I believe in God, I believe he gave me the breath I needed to survive in the hospital. When I couldn't breathe and they were discussing a ventilator and I prayed for a breath it was there. I didn't go on a ventilator and I got better.
Jesus has always been my hang up. I can for sure believe he existed but not the supernatural Jesus. From what I understand his divinity didn't exist for almost a hundred years after his death. The at the council they merged several religions together to form Christianity as I understand it. I can see people establishing a faith to control the masses and create laws that if you don't follow them you will spend an eternity in hell.
The concept of hell is another thing I can't comprehend. My example I use is this. If I were given the ability to know all and see all with just my children and I knew one of them would be born and be a terrible killer I would choose not to have that child because I would still love them and not want them to spend an eternity in pain. Now I was taught that God's love for me was even stronger. That I couldn't comprehend His love. If thus were true then how could he cast me away knowing in advance that my creation would ultimately lead to my spending all eternity in hell.
Some Catholics tell me it is all free will. I can believe and ask for forgiveness and He will forgive me. But I also have to believe in Jesus first. Now my concern is the 10 commandments, isn't there something there about worshipping other gods before God.
Ultimately like I said before, I believe in a God. Is he the God in the Bible? I don't know. Worst case scenario if I am wrong then I have done my best to live as a good man.
I suggest that if you haven't already, that you pick up a copy of his Bible, I think it would speak with you, not at you.
Jefferson Bible - Wikipedia
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