Anti Loneliness Club (1 Viewer)

[guidomerkinsrules]

"Know thyself" - Socrates

If you cannot live with yourself, what makes you think you are ready to live with others?

Most people don't want to be alone because it means they have to face themselves. I spent 5 years alone to get there. Not many people are willing to know themselves so deeply because they are terrified of admitting who they are to themselves. Yes, it's ugly at times when you tear down the illusion you have for yourself. But it's beautiful too when you find something to admire. And better still when you learn how to confront those illusions.

For me, there is nothing inherently wrong or bad about being alone. I think too many use others as a crutch to avoid themselves. I go out to eat alone. I go to movies and concerts alone. And it doesn't bother me at all because I can treat myself right. I have become selective about who I allow into my life and how I allow them to treat me. This isn't lonely, it's self care and more folks should embrace it. If you regularly treat yourself to your fave meal, book, tea, or experience even alone, then you learn that others being around more often detract from your experience.

I feel less lonely now than in 25 years of marriage. I could of course feel the other way, but by learning myself, I know I don't need others to feel valid. I feel happier and healthier with fewer high quality relationships and treating myself well in between.

While I appreciate your journey, I think the notion of an individual self to ‘know’ is very likely some post-Freudian abstraction
Sure some (like you express) might find some peace or even purpose in solitary , but there’s no reason to assume that’s a psychologically ‘natural’ state for all of us
We are fundamentally social creatures so our identity in relation to others is as real (if not moreso) than our identity in isolation

 

[Nisey55]

I enjoy my alone self, who I am when I'm alone, but at the same time I am a very social creature and cannot picture not having my husband around to make me laugh or get on my nerves.

 

[Tapxe]

While I appreciate your journey, I think the notion of an individual self to ‘know’ is very likely some post-Freudian abstraction
Sure some (like you express) might find some peace or even purpose in solitary , but there’s no reason to assume that’s a psychologically ‘natural’ state for all of us
We are fundamentally social creatures so our identity in relation to others is as real (if not moreso) than our identity in isolation

I've been thru the whole. no self exercise too. Essentially, I see myself as an app running on complicated biological hardware. I am the code which is me and independent of the body, but still filled with a lifetime of mistakes and triumphs which have molded my perceptions into how I think.

To me the self to know is the one where I understand how actions make me feel. I was originally coded to disconnect and do 'social' activities because it would give me meaning. I reject this now and seek out real social activity which does give me meaning.

Only by rejecting the social pressure to 'belong' did I truly learn myself. After that, the need to belong paled while the feeling of the right connection improved.

The problem with explaining it is that so few words exist to convey the right meaning. It's like the saying 'let it be'. The words are simple, but the meaning is different to each person depending on the reason they found to apply that saying if ever.

 

[guidomerkinsrules]

I've been thru the whole. no self exercise too. Essentially, I see myself as an app running on complicated biological hardware. I am the code which is me and independent of the body, but still filled with a lifetime of mistakes and triumphs which have molded my perceptions into how I think.

To me the self to know is the one where I understand how actions make me feel. I was originally coded to disconnect and do 'social' activities because it would give me meaning. I reject this now and seek out real social activity which does give me meaning.

Only by rejecting the social pressure to 'belong' did I truly learn myself. After that, the need to belong paled while the feeling of the right connection improved.

The problem with explaining it is that so few words exist to convey the right meaning. It's like the saying 'let it be'. The words are simple, but the meaning is different to each person depending on the reason they found to apply that saying if ever.

Interesting
While sure there is ‘social pressure to belong’ (in proscribed social roles/dynamics), ‘belonging’ seems a biological imperative
I mean Freud’s whole thing was trying to breakout of Victorian social strictures, but it’s not a zero sum game
Sure longstanding expectations can throttle ability for individual expression/exploration, but is there really a way to eliminate social norms without compromising biological imperative?

 

[Tapxe]

Interesting
While sure there is ‘social pressure to belong’ (in proscribed social roles/dynamics), ‘belonging’ seems a biological imperative
I mean Freud’s whole thing was trying to breakout of Victorian social strictures, but it’s not a zero sum game
Sure longstanding expectations can throttle ability for individual expression/exploration, but is there really a way to eliminate social norms without compromising biological imperative?

There is definitely benefit in belonging so it can feel like an imperative. Like anything else tho, too much can be a bad thing. As an introvert with social anxiety issues, that imperative is greatly muted. I get nothing but frustration from talking about surface things like the Beyonce concert or whatever the latest craze happens to be. Until I understood myself, I felt bad for not wanting to engage in that imperative. I get that community here and it suits me fine as I don't like my personal space invaded but talking here feels right.

That said, I spent the day after Thanksgiving cooking for family, helping my granddaughter put ornaments on the tree, and then walking thru the lights down at City Park. In those instances I had connection which met my needs. It was quality vs quantity. I could have spent twice the time with a group of coworkers only wanting to escape because they're all making small talk about celebrities or some such activity which is equally as popular to others while completely senseless to me.

And if I'm alone on that, I get it. I understand that others want and need that and I wouldn't even consider trying to stop or tell them they are wrong.

I only chimed in because I know I'm not alone. And folks like me can easily get over run by stronger personalities and pressures. So I put my story out there in case someone else is reading and recognizes a bit about themselves which makes them question if they are living life like they were taught or like they want.

 

[saintmdterps]

There is definitely benefit in belonging so it can feel like an imperative. Like anything else tho, too much can be a bad thing. As an introvert with social anxiety issues, that imperative is greatly muted. I get nothing but frustration from talking about surface things like the Beyonce concert or whatever the latest craze happens to be. Until I understood myself, I felt bad for not wanting to engage in that imperative. I get that community here and it suits me fine as I don't like my personal space invaded but talking here feels right.

That said, I spent the day after Thanksgiving cooking for family, helping my granddaughter put ornaments on the tree, and then walking thru the lights down at City Park. In those instances I had connection which met my needs. It was quality vs quantity. I could have spent twice the time with a group of coworkers only wanting to escape because they're all making small talk about celebrities or some such activity which is equally as popular to others while completely senseless to me.

And if I'm alone on that, I get it. I understand that others want and need that and I wouldn't even consider trying to stop or tell them they are wrong.

I only chimed in because I know I'm not alone. And folks like me can easily get over run by stronger personalities and pressures. So I put my story out there in case someone else is reading and recognizes a bit about themselves which makes them question if they are living life like they were taught or like they want.

Balance is the key. Understand your individual self with unique experiences as well as understanding your connection to the Whole. Our lives do not exist in a vacuum. What we say and do has consequences not only for ourselves but those around us and our entire environment

 

[Optimus Prime]

Want to know a secret? I’d really like to have more friends. For most of my life, this was never something I struggled with – until I turned 30, moved out of London and back to my home city.

This shift means I’m much closer to my family, but hundreds of miles and an expensive train ride away from my core network of pals.

Since I’ve moved, too, many of them have retreated into coupledom. Now I see “we” rather than “I” in their WhatsApp updates, a semantic shift that tends to mean less time available for mates and more for meeting in-laws and mortgage advisers.

The answer to this predicament, of course, is to make new friends. But that’s easier said than done when even admitting that you’re in need of pals feels horribly exposing.

Somehow, being open about looking for romantic love feels socially acceptable, even laudable.

But confessing that you’re lacking platonic relationships? It sounds weird, cringe, a bit suspect.

And that’s despite the vast swathes of research suggesting that strong friendships are vital for wellbeing, and a predictor for longer, healthier lives.

Then there’s the truly awkward bit: actually making the effort to meet new people and, horror of horrors, trying to solidify a promising encounter into a future friendship. “Will you be my friend?” might work for seven-year-olds, but doesn’t cut it for me at 32.

I don’t particularly want to end up enacting my own gender-flipped reboot of I Love You, Man, the 2009 movie that sees Paul Rudd go friendship hunting after realising that he has no one to fill the role of best man at his wedding.

There are plenty of apps, events, Instagram communities and groups, all designed to facilitate connection. And yet I often feel a stubborn, cynical resistance that stops me from signing up.

Will it be squirm-inducingly awkward? What if there’s icebreaker games? What if all the people at the friend-making event are secretly judging me for also attending the very same event?……..

I’m 32 and making friends has never been harder – or more embarrassing

Making friends feels effortless in childhood. But when you’re an adult, it can be an arduous and cringe-inducing process. Katie Rosseinsky explores why finding new pals is so tough for grown-ups – and finds out what we can do to make it a bit less awkward

www.independent.co.uk

 

[UptownSaintsFan]

The Anti-Social Century

Americans are now spending more time alone than ever. It’s changing our personalities, our politics, and even our relationship to reality.

www.theatlantic.com

What's Behind the Rise of Lonely, Single Men

For men, the dating world is drastically changing.

www.psychologytoday.com

 

[Optimus Prime]

another membership i wouldnt use after a few weeks. like a gym.

oddly, i'm signing up for the gym today. see how long i use it this time LOL

How long did the gym last?

 

[Optimus Prime]

I read on Twitter that Denmark (?) has a grocery store that has a slow lane. It’s for lonely people to talk to the cashier.

 

[jayd265]

How long did the gym last?

i try to go twice a week due to my work schedule being nuts. hoping to get more consistent and do my 2-3 days like id like

 

[Sun Wukong]

The Anti-Social Century

Americans are now spending more time alone than ever. It’s changing our personalities, our politics, and even our relationship to reality.

www.theatlantic.com

What's Behind the Rise of Lonely, Single Men

For men, the dating world is drastically changing.

www.psychologytoday.com

Its not rocket science. Nobody wants you when you're unattractive and broke. A lot of unattractive and broke dudes out there. I say this as part of the brotherhood of poor uggo supremacy.