Kids leaving the nest... (1 Viewer)

[UpHere]

Or being pushed out…

So I’m UpHere in frozen Canada, and not even touristy Toronto, Montreal or Vancouver Canada - just Edmonton… boring, yeah.

But I’m curious about raising children and letting them go, down there - I don’t know much about the U S of A, only been to a few states over the years (wife and I are flying down and driving through Memphis/nashville/east coast/florida panhandle to NEW ORLEANS! In Feb for our 25th) anyway… sorry for the preamble. I’ve got a 22 yr boy, 20 yr boy, 17 year girl

I’m concerned about our kids moving out (it’s getting that time) - we’ve committed to helping them get a leg up and giving them a head start in leaving, getting settled and starting their own life away from here - we’ve just helped our oldest to buy his first house (for reference it was about $320,000 Canadian - so… a lot more in your dollars) - I spent 6 months putting a basement suite in for renters (basement is under your main floor southerners : ) he decided to rent the upstairs and downstairs and stay at home for a year or so until he moved in - smart I think, but now we have to do this two more times.

I was 17 when I moved out, and couldn’t even get a blockbuster card without a visa, rent was 300 a month, no internet bill, no cell phone bill… cost me $12 to fill my car - it was actually pretty easy - now the prices up here are outrageous - the gov is finally doing something about the ridiculous car insurance prices (another headache deal with) but I’m unsure as to how our kids’ generation is going to scrape by if not flourish.

How hard is it there to send your children out when they think they’re ready? Is it any different from here? Our taxes are steep, but our programs might(!) serve you well - our grocery prices are brutal (you ever bought Alberta beef?) our gasoline prices are high even though we produce it here - even PORK is getting expensive lol

I guess the long and short of it is we’ve dismissed the idea of retirement for now… this may fit under Blue's thread, sorry - because we don’t think it’s a reasonable dream that our kids can fly the coop and succeed immediately without help - just curious if the same things plague your minds in a slightly different atmosphere.

 

[0rion]

Depends on the kid in my opinion. Our 21 y/o finally got his own place a couple months ago. We had talks about it and I told him he could stay here until I'm dead but that's not doing him any favors. He needed to get out and start making his own life instead of living our lives. My 18 y/o daughter is away at college and she's never coming back. That's just how she's built.

 

[UncleTrvlingJim]

I'm watching with interest, my kids are 19,17 and 15 - so I have a little time. All 3 of them seem inclined to move out as soon as possible. We'll see how things look over the next 5 years or so....

 

[guidomerkinsrules]

Did they go to college?
Was it local or they came back?

I’m glad you’re recognizing that the economy (and housing in particular) are completely different than when we were setting out

And I don’t think there is/should be a proscription- it’s whatever works for each particular family

 

[livefromDC]

I'm watching with interest, my kids are 19,17 and 15 - so I have a little time. All 3 of them seem inclined to move out as soon as possible. We'll see how things look over the next 5 years or so....

Honest question. When you say as soon as possible, I'm inclined to think the 19 year old would be gone then. Is it just not possible for them right now?

 

[UncleTrvlingJim]

Honest question. When you say as soon as possible, I'm inclined to think the 19 year old would be gone then. Is it just not possible for them right now?

He's in college -- so he's "gone" but not really. He came home last summer but he's looking for summer interships this year. And I'm still paying for everything. I'll consider him gone when he lives elsewhere full time and I'm not paying for him to stay alive.

 

[efil4stnias]

I have a 21 yr old about to be in her last year in College and I have ramped up the "talks" over last 3 months about living expenses and what to expect/not expect.

Initially, for her first 2 years we stressed that education was important, so our financial support would be there. Now in year 3, we are weening her off the teet, and she is going to struggle here initially. But as i explained, better to learn NOW than 5 years from now when you have over-extended yourself and look to us to bail you out and there is no bail out. They learn quite fast. ( she just talked to her boss and obtained more hours starting in Jan 2025 ! )

But every child is different, yeah? so some have to fail to learn, others are so afraid of failure that it can be a negative. You try to find that balance in there somewhere and hope they are prepared to understand just how important financial well-being is but at same time learning along the way. And i mean "living within your means" ( inside your budget ) If you can pull that off, you remove much of the stress that comes with finances.

As a parent, i want to give my girls EVERYTHING. But i also know that i cant without consequence when it comes to money. You just hope you have educated them well enough to operate inside the system, be there to help them up if they stumble, ( but allow them to pick themselves up ), and let them learn on their own, in their way.

This is a real conversation to have and im glad im not the only parent harboring some reservations about this.

my 21 yr old has a serious BF, they speaking of engagement and doing what 21 yr olds who are looking at the future do, talking about moving in, home/life etc. They have some lofty ideas. I had to recently explain the difference between goals and expectations. Two TOTALLY different things. Her BF is starting to feel pressure about being able to "support" them upon graduation, unsure of himself and what he plans on doing. As i explained ( and will continue to explain ), you dont need to "arrive" at 24 yrs old. I didnt arrive here until i was in my late 40s. So dont equate what you see around you here now, to what to expect in your first few years of your career. It takes time. And as a couple, you will find a way to make ends meet. But never be too proud to say a particular line of work is "beneath you" if it pays the bills. Continue that path til you find what you are looing for. The pressures young adults face is real. Keeping up with the Jones' is real. Luckily for him, my daughter is as laid back and non-materialistic as they come ( my youngest - that the BOUGIE one lol ) so you just have to focus on what makes yall happy. Doesnt mean you need to buy a home at 23 yrs old. You do what you can afford at the time. If that means apartment, thats what you do. If it means at home for a short period of time, ok. ( But REAL SHORT or you start paying rent lolol )

anyway- i digress. i think you, like many parents today, will come to understand that its part of letting go. You did your part, and you hope well enough to send them out in the world, somewhat prepared and go from there.

All the best. I too will be watching this with interest.

Now if you will excuse me, i gotta go make some $$$ to support my kids lololol. ( and work til im 70 )

 

[guidomerkinsrules]

my 21 yr old has a serious BF, they speaking of engagement and doing what 21 yr olds who are looking at the future do, talking about moving in, home/life etc. They have some lofty ideas. I had to recently explain the difference between goals and expectations. Two TOTALLY different things. Her BF is starting to feel pressure about being able to "support" them upon graduation, unsure of himself and what he plans on doing. As i explained ( and will continue to explain ), you dont need to "arrive" at 24 yrs old.

 

[efil4stnias]

im going to the thrift store and buying a tweed sports coat to do this very scene lololol

And if he says "kickboxing" , he gets my blessing. lololol

to his credit, he isnt Lloyd. And honestly, had she come home with a "Lloyd Dobler" type, we would have had a kickboxing match right then and there.

 

[guidomerkinsrules]

im going to the thrift store and buying a tweed sports coat to do this very scene lololol

And if he says "kickboxing" , he gets my blessing. lololol

to his credit, he isnt Lloyd. And honestly, had she come home with a "Lloyd Dobler" type, we would have had a kickboxing match right then and there.

Your Lloyd Dobler issues don’t speak well of you
You’re looking for a Martin Blank type?

 

[efil4stnias]

Your Lloyd Dobler issues don’t speak well of you
You’re looking for a Martin Blank type?

LOL i was Lloyd. I was being facetious about the kickboxing part. lol.

The number one factor is her happiness. Are they happy? then they will find a way.

The only advice i can offer them regarding life is that it will take all sorts of twists and turns, and that is part of the journey and enjoy the journey. Im not looking to insert myself into her/their journey ( thats my wifes job that i have to remind constantly - back up a bit, you are too close ) - offer advice? absolutely.

But its her life. Live it how you want. Just stay true to yourself. We will always be just off stage left to support.

 

[Mr. Sparkle]

My basic parenting philosophy is that your job is to have your kids prepared to be a successful adult. You can define successful a lot of ways, but for me it roughly means having them ready to live on their own and handle their own affairs (rent, medical, transportation, etc).

I have a 22 year old recent college grad living in NYC as a young corporate type. We are subsidizing her rent to a degree, and she is still on my health plan (I'm already paying the 'family' rate so there is no savings to me to boot her and it saves her some dough) and my cell phone plan. Almost everything else is on her, and she is very interested in becoming financially independent. I think in 2 years she will be off my books completely (aside from flights home - my wife and I have decided we will always buy tickets home for them if they need it).

Then I also have a 20 year old college sophomore who goes through money like water. He's a major work in progress, financially speaking - we tightened the screws this summer and lots more to go. He will get there, if for no other reason than he knows we will cut him off shortly after college. When he failed to get a summer job on his own last summer I put him to work at a friend's commercial laundry facility. Washing the dirty sheets from FQ hotels seemed to get his attention - he's already looking for a job for next summer to avoid the laundry.

Every kid is different but I am hoping that by around 23 or 24 they will both be Actual Adults.