clearing the deck - the marriage status thread (55 Viewers)

[guidomerkinsrules]

so been meaning to write this thread for awhile - not bc I think anyone should care, but bc I respect when posters discuss something vulnerable and (most) other posters engage honestly
my wife and I separated this summer (but seemingly it had been on life support since COVID)
kids split time and have mostly adjusted pretty well - we're about 5 minutes away from each other
we're doing ok - neither are talking divorce (nor are we talking reconciliation)

I guess that's it for now
if you have questions, I will try to answer
if you want to share your own stories, I will read
if you know a guy who has a houseboat, I will listen

 

[Optimus Prime]

I’m sorry to hear that

Do you see a reconciliation in the future? Are you hoping for one?

 

[antipop]

my wife always says 'the best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody'...hope this helps

 

[guidomerkinsrules]

I’m sorry to hear that

Do you see a reconciliation in the future? Are you hoping for one?

unfortunately my response will sound like typical defensiveness, but the only way we would reconcile (that I can see atm) is if my wife did a lot of self-repair
ostensibly she is still carrying a lot of unresolved trauma from her teen years, then with the second child there was a big hormonal shift (that she would admit to) and some (also admitted) perimenopausal changes
i'd hoped/asked for awhile for us to get help, but the trauma stuff has a lot of catch-22 self-sabotaging
like when she's upset she claims that 'we' drifted apart but she is never able to give me any examples of my pulling away from her

(and yes, I understand I'm telling the story so I get to play hero/victim, but she hasn't been able to provide a counter-narrative, so...)

 

[guidomerkinsrules]

my wife always says 'the best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody'...hope this helps

drifting into over sharing here, but while I certainly miss...intimacy... I am NOT interested in pursuing new relationships

 

[sfidc3]

Life is short.....just keep that in mind when making major decisions.... I've been married for 30+ years and if my wife continues the behavior that has surfaced over the last few years I may be separating as well...luckily our kids are grown and on their own.....I'm only willing to put up with so much BS....

 

[whodatbe]

Do you feel a little better, distancing yourself from her or is this only time will tell? Sorry you are in this tough spot.

 

[guidomerkinsrules]

Do you feel a little better, distancing yourself from her or is this only time will tell? Sorry you are in this tough spot.

I honestly don't feel much different re, her
I feel MUCH better about my living space and being able to provide an environment for my kids that we just didn't have in the last space
so I guess structurally I feel much better, emotionally about the same

 

[Consigliere]

... I am NOT interested in pursuing new relationships

I've had friends in the same boat who said the same thing - but I don't get it - I think I would want a new one - but I haven't been there so can't really say.

Anyway, sorry to hear it, but I sense you are the kind of person who can find joy in tough times.

 

[soupcan dan]

my second marriage lasted almost 20 years----I knew i made a mistake after 5 but my responsibility to her and her children kept me trapped but loved. after the kids moved out the drama of the young uns trying to make it alone and me trying to make it right, and then my wife's sexual curiosity involving other women ( nope is the answer to what you're thinkin) became too much to bear.

Then her cancer scare..........and my inability to cope other than working my rear end off to pay the bills rather than giving her the attention she really needed.

She beat it, then said she needed time alone and i bought her a condo with the thought she'd never come back. she wanted back after 4 months---by then i was so flipping happy to be alone with the dogs i gladly let her file for divorce and kissed the lawyer on the lips who came up with the pre-nup.

Life is grand. My house is black and gold and the kitchen plays WWOZ 16 hrs a day.

One ticket.....One ride. make it yours.

 

[BooBirdSaint]

A cheap two cents. While neither as started the formal disillusionment process, I would exercise care in what you post in reference to your spouse/ex-spouse. No matter how generic the posts are they can and will come back to you in any divorce proceedings. You might think things are on good terms but in a divorce (should it get that far) where assets and children are involved, attorneys will be digging deep for any and all leverage. And venting on a public board even in "anonymity" are discoverable.

 

[CapitalCitySaint]

I've had friends in the same boat who said the same thing - but I don't get it - I think I would want a new one - but I haven't been there so can't really say.

Anyway, sorry to hear it, but I sense you are the kind of person who can find joy in tough times.

I know a handful of people both men & women (in their late 40’s/early 50’s) who are recently divorced (like within the last 2 years) after decades of marriage. Every single one of them immediately set out to fork a bunch of people and/or jump immediately into a new serious relationship/force a serious relationship with the first willing victim.

All nice people but man are they so lost. Not a single one has taken the time to be single and really just focus on who they are as a single person, what they actually like to do, etc. They cannot be alone. Everything they do is motivated by finding someone of the opposite sex. It’s really tragic to watch grown arsed people behave the way they do.

Sorry to hear about your marriage, Guido.

 

[guidomerkinsrules]

my second marriage lasted almost 20 years----I knew i made a mistake after 5 but my responsibility to her and her children kept me trapped but loved. after the kids moved out the drama of the young uns trying to make it alone and me trying to make it right, and then my wife's sexual curiosity involving other women ( nope is the answer to what you're thinkin) became too much to bear.

Then her cancer scare..........and my inability to cope other than working my rear end off to pay the bills rather than giving her the attention she really needed.

She beat it, then said she needed time alone and i bought her a condo with the thought she'd never come back. she wanted back after 4 months---by then i was so flipping happy to be alone with the dogs i gladly let her file for divorce and kissed the lawyer on the lips who came up with the pre-nup.

Life is grand. My house is black and gold and the kitchen plays WWOZ 16 hrs a day.

One ticket.....One ride. make it yours.

Glad you’re in a good place

 

[guidomerkinsrules]

A cheap two cents. While neither as started the formal disillusionment process, I would exercise care in what you post in reference to your spouse/ex-spouse. No matter how generic the posts are they can and will come back to you in any divorce proceedings. You might think things are on good terms but in a divorce (should it get that far) where assets and children are involved, attorneys will be digging deep for any and all leverage. And venting on a public board even in "anonymity" are discoverable.

Note taken

 

[Paul]

Bro, please accept this virtual hug from me.
Marriage is difficult. I can say this about any relationship that has meaning, but marriage stands apart from anything else, IMO. To me, you have to want it everyday and I also don’t think it’s supposed to be hard. My goal in life with the people that I love or honestly, people in general, is to make their lives easier.

My wife and I have been married for 25 years. I say this with many emotions behind it: proud of it, but it’s been a lot. A lot. Raising two children with two opposite parenting styles has been our biggest challenge. My wife’s first response to almost anything that doesn’t fit into her “box”, is anger, frustration, NO! or all three. And she’s a yeller. My response to just about anything is “let me try to understand before making a decision”. I’m very reserved and I have a low voice. So through both of my kids’ lives, it’s been a “good cop/bad cop”situation for just about everything. It’s been exhausting - even with them both in college, trying to help them navigate young adulthood and responsibility without overwhelming them has been extremely challenging. When they were little, there were plenty of times that I never wanted to come home from work but it was never because of the kids. There were years when I knew the only reasons I stayed faithful, present, bit my tongue, and came home everyday was just for those two rug rats.
I said all this to say that while we’ve never separated, my mind has gone there. The last 2-3 years have overall been better, but it still requires patience and understanding. I’m sure my wife could write a book about me, so no, it’s not all her. Enough about me though.

I can’t give advice as I am no expert at all and I don’t think you were seeking any - just putting yourself out there which I admire you for - takes courage to talk about these things. I hope everything works out well for you and anyone else dealing with similar issues.