clearing the deck - the marriage status thread (14 Viewers)

[Madmarsha]

I've been having a lot of very candid heart-to-heart marriage talks with my BFF lately (She and her husband are at, I think 35 years; we're at 30) and we haven't figured a dam thing out. But of all the long-term marriages I've been around that I've had a reasonably close insight into, I've never really been envious of any (you know, Oh, I wish I had a marriage like so and so do). Including my parents' 60-year-plus one which I've obviously been the most privy to.

But I probably should wish to emulate theirs. I would say they had a good marriage but they never showed a lot of intimacy or passion so I assumed there wasn't much there. Never heard them say "I love you" to each other ... but neither did we say it as a family growing up (though, we all did eventually).

The reason why I say I probably should is because of 2 incidents when they were in their 80s that stay locked in my mind. One is when their health had really started to nosedive but they were still in their home. My sister had mom at her house for recuperation after a surgery because it was easier .... for her. Dad could still drive and he'd visit but, again, it was not at their home. At some point I guess mom had had enough and she told my sister that she had better take her home because she wanted to see her husband or she was gonna walk. The story was relayed to us because that was not the kind of thing we had ever heard mom say before.

The other was after they were just in assisted living for a short time. We were going through some stuff and found a note dad had written to mom probably within the year just letting her know he had run out to do an errand (she was either still asleep or maybe outside in the backyard). He signed it with his name and then "your husband, your friend, your lover". Just made an indelible impression on me as it was not something that was meant for anyone but mom to see.

I wish mom had had heart to hearts with me about relationships with her and dad's as an example because I think it would have been helpful, but obvs both were very private. But at the same time, they didn't demonstrate to us girls growing up any behavior which I look back and think, I wish I wouldn't have seen that.

 

[Madmarsha]

Also, the more i experience having been married, and hearing about others’ marriages- the more i think it’s unnatural and probably not as healthy for society as we’ve all been brainwashed to think it is .

A-frigging-men. And how do people do it two? Three? Four times?

 

[Mr. Blue Sky]

A-frigging-men. And how do people do it two? Three? Four times?

Did i imagine this, or did Semper mention earlier that his father was married 7 times ?? Maybe he was exaggerating to prove a point.. all i know is that ive done it once- was with the person off and on for 14 years but she and i were only married for 3.5 yrs- and even though that’s obvs not a long time , i seriously doubt i will ever attempt it again .

 

[Madmarsha]

Did i imagine this, or did Semper mention earlier that his father was married 7 times ?? Maybe he was exaggerating to prove a point.. all i know is that ive done it once- was with the person off and on for 14 years but she and i were only married for 3.5 yrs- and even though that’s obvs not a long time , i seriously doubt i will ever attempt it again .

lol yeah, he did.

Now my grandfathers had between them five wives .... but no divorces. As soon as they became widowers, they found new wives. Clearly they were men who needed to be married.

 

[Semper]

Did i imagine this, or did Semper mention earlier that his father was married 7 times ?? Maybe he was exaggerating to prove a point.. all i know is that ive done it once- was with the person off and on for 14 years but she and i were only married for 3.5 yrs- and even though that’s obvs not a long time , i seriously doubt i will ever attempt it again .

Nope 7 times. Lying, cheating, drugs ruin a marriage.

 

[Sailorsaint]

I've been having a lot of very candid heart-to-heart marriage talks with my BFF lately (She and her husband are at, I think 35 years; we're at 30) and we haven't figured a dam thing out. But of all the long-term marriages I've been around that I've had a reasonably close insight into, I've never really been envious of any (you know, Oh, I wish I had a marriage like so and so do). Including my parents' 60-year-plus one which I've obviously been the most privy to.

But I probably should wish to emulate theirs. I would say they had a good marriage but they never showed a lot of intimacy or passion so I assumed there wasn't much there. Never heard them say "I love you" to each other ... but neither did we say it as a family growing up (though, we all did eventually).

The reason why I say I probably should is because of 2 incidents when they were in their 80s that stay locked in my mind. One is when their health had really started to nosedive but they were still in their home. My sister had mom at her house for recuperation after a surgery because it was easier .... for her. Dad could still drive and he'd visit but, again, it was not at their home. At some point I guess mom had had enough and she told my sister that she had better take her home because she wanted to see her husband or she was gonna walk. The story was relayed to us because that was not the kind of thing we had ever heard mom say before.

The other was after they were just in assisted living for a short time. We were going through some stuff and found a note dad had written to mom probably within the year just letting her know he had run out to do an errand (she was either still asleep or maybe outside in the backyard). He signed it with his name and then "your husband, your friend, your lover". Just made an indelible impression on me as it was not something that was meant for anyone but mom to see.

I wish mom had had heart to hearts with me about relationships with her and dad's as an example because I think it would have been helpful, but obvs both were very private. But at the same time, they didn't demonstrate to us girls growing up any behavior which I look back and think, I wish I wouldn't have seen that.

It’s been my experience that the older generation were raised to not be openly affectionate. My mom and dad were born in the 30s, for example. But I have found letters that were personal. We are a much more open society now.

 

[Madmarsha]

All nice people but man are they so lost. Not a single one has taken the time to be single and really just focus on who they are as a single person, what they actually like to do, etc. They cannot be alone. Everything they do is motivated by finding someone of the opposite sex. It’s really tragic to watch grown arsed people behave the way they do.

A-friggin'-woman.

 

[Madmarsha]

It’s been my experience that the older generation were raised to not be openly affectionate. My mom and dad were born in the 30s, for example. But I have found letters that were personal. We are a much more open society now.

I do think that's true. Especially for dad. He never talked to us about emotion but he would at least show emotion very easily so I could eventually figure him out. For mom, I don't think it was the times, it was a result. She lost her mom at 16 and she never ever ONCE talked to me about it till about 65 years later and one night she just burst into tears and said, I'm so glad I got to see you girls grow up. That's it but I knew what she was talking about. Never once before that in all my life had she given a hint how much she still thought about her mother.

 

[CapitalCitySaint]

This very much this.

I never took the time to explore because I was afraid of being alone. The most important relationship we have is with ourselves. We're taught it's all about someone else and get crushed when\if we learn opposite.

In my observation, most people can’t be alone. I would probably have been one of them but after my divorce, I also ended up losing my job, my self-esteem was totally crushed and I was too embarrassed to even try to meet anyone while unemployed & freshly divorced. So, in a way, I was forced (self-imposed?) into taking the time to heal/do some self-discovery & solidify my independence without inflicting upon/burying my unresolved issues on someone else (which is what I see most people doing in some form or another when jumping into the next thing after their relationships end).

 

[Sun Wukong]

I know a handful of people both men & women (in their late 40’s/early 50’s) who are recently divorced (like within the last 2 years) after decades of marriage. Every single one of them immediately set out to fork a bunch of people and/or jump immediately into a new serious relationship/force a serious relationship with the first willing victim.

All nice people but man are they so lost. Not a single one has taken the time to be single and really just focus on who they are as a single person, what they actually like to do, etc. They cannot be alone. Everything they do is motivated by finding someone of the opposite sex. It’s really tragic to watch grown arsed people behave the way they do.

Sorry to hear about your marriage, Guido.

I have a cousin that is like this. She's speedrun 3 marriages by her early 40's, and that's not even counting the live in boyfriends that each lasted for a couple of years and then ended disastrously. She is utterly terrified of being alone and will hook up with anything that gives her the time of day because of it. Then it inevitably ends in disaster and she repeats the same mistakes all over again.

This is so alien to me, but I'm maybe the opposite end of the spectrum where I'm perhaps too comfortable being alone. For most of my life it hasn't exactly been by choice (I am most certainly no catch and of limited social value. Sometimes you just lose the genetic lottery.), but it's such a core part of who I am now that I don't know if I could ever live any other way.

 

[Madmarsha]

In my observation, most people can’t be alone.

I think that's true. Then there's the ones that SHOULD be alone but love to drag others into their orbit. I know I CAN be alone but I don't WANT to be alone. And I'm not sure that's any better.

 

[CapitalCitySaint]

I have a cousin that is like this. She's speedrun 3 marriages by her early 40's, and that's not even counting the live in boyfriends that each lasted for a couple of years and then ended disastrously. She is utterly terrified of being alone and will hook up with anything that gives her the time of day because of it. Then it inevitably ends in disaster and she repeats the same mistakes all over again.

This is so alien to me, but I'm maybe the opposite end of the spectrum where I'm perhaps too comfortable being alone. For most of my life it hasn't exactly been by choice (I am most certainly no catch and of limited social value. Sometimes you just lose the genetic lottery.), but it's such a core part of who I am now that I don't know if I could ever live any other way.

Yeah … one of the ladies I know that is recently divorced, after chasing men much younger that were not interested in anything more than casual sex, has now settled into a full blown relationship with a married man with little kids for over a year and has convinced herself that this is THE ONE

ETA: if it wasn’t for the 3 marriages, I’d think your cousin was the same woman I know. Lol

 

[Sailorsaint]

I have a cousin that is like this. She's speedrun 3 marriages by her early 40's, and that's not even counting the live in boyfriends that each lasted for a couple of years and then ended disastrously. She is utterly terrified of being alone and will hook up with anything that gives her the time of day because of it. Then it inevitably ends in disaster and she repeats the same mistakes all over again.

This is so alien to me, but I'm maybe the opposite end of the spectrum where I'm perhaps too comfortable being alone. For most of my life it hasn't exactly been by choice (I am most certainly no catch and of limited social value. Sometimes you just lose the genetic lottery.), but it's such a core part of who I am now that I don't know if I could ever live any other way.

It’s eerie how similar that is to my life. Including the cousin, except my cousin is a guy.

 

[Madmarsha]

Yeah … one of the ladies I know that is recently divorced, after chasing men much younger that were not interested in anything more than casual sex, has now settled into a full blown relationship with a married man with little kids for over a year and has convinced herelef that this is THE ONE

ETA: if it wasn’t for the 3 marriages, I’d think your cousin was the same woman I know. Lol

We probably all know her.

 

[UpHere]

married 25 years this past year, there were two times it almost ended, it took both of us to see we both needed to make some changes, thankfully we've been on the same page - if anything were to happen though i can confidently say i'll spend the rest of my days alone and be good with it

the "good" news about the divorce and separations that i've known, they have never turned out worse than it was being married - after the initial shock, it has always been an improvement with all the family relationships - my mom and dad couldn't stand each other but they were always there for us after the divorce - I hope your family stays together, even if you can't be together all the time