clearing the deck - the marriage status thread (8 Viewers)

[zeetes]

i love you gmr. wish for the best outcome, no matter how it works out.

 

[Madmarsha]

So what's the reason for divorce assuming that two people got married in the first place for "the right reasons" (read: both took the vows intending to make an honest go of marriage). When you've gotten married for the "wrong reasons" (got pregnant, to get out of parents' house or some other living situation, wanting to control the other person, etc.), the reason will be apparent. I've no idea how many marriages that would account for. Probably a lot but they aren't the ones I struggle with. Not even the ones where one or both admit to themselves when already in that it was a mistake but you "play it out". And not the ones that suffered the especially poignant trauma of losing a child where I imagine just the individual act of breathing is difficult enough to manage let alone navigating your role as part of a couple.

No, the reasons for divorce that I struggle with are the ones where the parties enter with a good faith "love conquers all" mindset and still end up in a heap because those aren't a small number either. The ones where as sentient human beings we've entered into it "reverently, discreetly, advisedly and soberly" because we know none of us are a perfect clean slate and we all have our own peccadilloes, micro traumas, macro traumas, etc. we bring to the marriage and agree to work through .... and then just don't. 'Cause those ones at least should all work, right?

 

[UncleTrvlingJim]

So what's the reason for divorce assuming that two people got married in the first place for "the right reasons" (read: both took the vows intending to make an honest go of marriage). When you've gotten married for the "wrong reasons" (got pregnant, to get out of parents' house or some other living situation, wanting to control the other person, etc.), the reason will be apparent. I've no idea how many marriages that would account for. Probably a lot but they aren't the ones I struggle with. Not even the ones where one or both admit to themselves when already in that it was a mistake but you "play it out". And not the ones that suffered the especially poignant trauma of losing a child where I imagine just the individual act of breathing is difficult enough to manage let alone navigating your role as part of a couple.

No, the reasons for divorce that I struggle with are the ones where the parties enter with a good faith "love conquers all" mindset and still end up in a heap because those aren't a small number either. The ones where as sentient human beings we've entered into it "reverently, discreetly, advisedly and soberly" because we know none of us are a perfect clean slate and we all have our own peccadilloes, micro traumas, macro traumas, etc. we bring to the marriage and agree to work through .... and then just don't. 'Cause those ones at least should all work, right?

I think in those cases, eventually the hormones wear off and the couple finds that they are just too different to live together comfortably. I think that happens... people can be wildly attracted to each other and be decent people, but just don't mesh well together in life.

Or they initially were compatible, but life is long and people change. And that doesn't mean change for the worse or better, just different, and they find that they have different interests and different goals. It's sad, but not tragic I think.

I'm sorry guido - the separation may be for the best, but I imagine its still got to be weird and sad when things don't work out the way you hope. I hope you build a life you enjoy for you and your kids (and wife - even if it means not being together anymore).

To echo CCS and Taxpe - I see online some discussion in women's forums/subreddits about decentering men. Which seems like a good idea. I don't see as much of that (decentering women) in men's discussion groups. I mean I see advice to guys facing heartbreak or whatever to go to the gym or work on self improvement... but the focus seems to be on making the woman regret her choice or to find the next woman. Instead of just being a person you like.

I think there's a tremendous pressure in society to find a partner or to have sex. And I think to some degree that's fine - sex is great. So is having a life partner. But I think too much emphasis is placed on it - it becomes the single variable judge their self worth on. That feels unhealthy to me.

 

[Mr. Blue Sky]

WDSU talking to Councilman Oliver Thomas indicating he's spoken to the 2 police officers who were shot. Said conscious, up and about, family members there.

Wrong thread dear

 

[Mr. Blue Sky]

i love you gmr. wish for the best outcome, no matter how it works out.

He told me to tell you that he loves you too .

 

[Madmarsha]

Wrong thread dear

Dam. Thanks.

 

[guidomerkinsrules]

He told me to tell you that he loves you too .

zeetes knows

 

[Deuuuuce]

Hope you’re taking care of yourself. During difficult times it’s easy to fall into unhealthy patterns because of all of the stress, but it’s so important to do the small things like eat well, exercise, get enough sleep, get some sun etc. You’re doing awesome with your kids, but don’t forget yourself either.

I was married about 6 years. I thought we were perfect for eachother. We enjoyed the same music, enjoyed nature, would go on vacations every year, and had a comfortable life. I was blind sided when i found out she was making plans without me and suddenly all this stuff came out that I was unaware of. We tried to work it out via counseling, but the trust wasn’t there anymore and we wound up getting a divorce. Definitely the most difficult thing I’ve ever been through.

It’s been a good 5 years since then, and I still miss her. I went through all stages of grief, and I can tell you that when it happens, it can feel catastrophic and the grief and anger can stay with you for a while. The only way I was able to get to the acceptance part was to focus on the positives and tell myself that it was mostly a great experience even though it ended the way it did. My ex wife had regret, but i hope that she came to the same conclusion that I did too. Another one of the few positives about splitting or divorcing is self discovery. You learn so much about yourself, and the strength you use to get through carries over to other areas of your life.

There is very little in life that is permanent: Including the grief and stress of dealing with separation or divorce. You work through it. Counseling helps a lot. Get in contact with old friends. Or hell just vent on here. Take care of yourself!

 

[Dago]

Sorry for what you are going through @guidomerkinsrules

Went through similar after almost 20 years of marriage minus the kids

 

[Optimus Prime]

If you don’t mind my asking, could your kids sense this coming or were they caught off guard?

 

[Devildog]

I'm sorry this happened to you, Guido. You seem like a good dude. My wife and I have been married for 32 years (got married REALLY young). While I wish we would have waited until we were older, I wouldn't trade it for anything, warts and all. It almost ended 7 years ago from some unresolved issues on my end, but I've gotten help and now we're stronger than ever.

I really do hope things works out for both of you.

 

[Madmarsha]

.... I was married about 6 years. I thought we were perfect for eachother. We enjoyed the same music, enjoyed nature, would go on vacations every year, and had a comfortable life. I was blind sided when i found out she was making plans without me and suddenly all this stuff came out that I was unaware of. We tried to work it out via counseling, but the trust wasn’t there anymore and we wound up getting a divorce. Definitely the most difficult thing I’ve ever been through .....

This makes me think about a boyfriend I had in my mid 20s. At the time we met, he was way more into me than I was into him. But we kept running into each other until he grew on me and we started hanging out. I was surprised to learn he was already divorced having gotten married basically right after high school after a couple years. He didn't really tell me much and I didn't ask the questions I should have; but the understanding I had was that he had been totally in love with her (his words) and it was she who broke up the marriage.

Well, I just didn't appreciate how messed up he was about it still and that he wasn't ready for another relationship yet given how much he had pursued me and we'd be good for a little while and then he'd ghost me and then like a dummy -- because by this time I was into him -- we'd just get back together and never once have a serious heart to heart. Over 2 years we repeated this a couple times and I just kept thinking one of these times it would just work out. It was never gonna because he couldn't have any respect for me for how I let him treat me and he still needed time to get over his divorce. I haven't talked to him for 35 years because I don't live in the same area anymore. But I know he eventually did get remarried and had a son; and looking back now, I don't think I ever really did love him. We were just young and he wasn't a bad guy (he was not an abuser), just hadn't dealt with apparently being blindsided by a divorce he didn't want at the time that kept him from seeing how much of an arse he was being.

There's so much you're stupid about in your 20s thinking, Oh, it'll all work out, even though you hadn't worked on your ish. You gotta work on your ish or nothing is ever gonna be different no matter how many times you get married.

 

[Deuuuuce]

This makes me think about a boyfriend I had in my mid 20s. At the time we met, he was way more into me than I was into him. But we kept running into each other until he grew on me and we started hanging out. I was surprised to learn he was already divorced having gotten married basically right after high school after a couple years. He didn't really tell me much and I didn't ask the questions I should have; but the understanding I had was that he had been totally in love with her (his words) and it was she who broke up the marriage.

Well, I just didn't appreciate how messed up he was about it still and that he wasn't ready for another relationship yet given how much he had pursued me and we'd be good for a little while and then he'd ghost me and then like a dummy -- because by this time I was into him -- we'd just get back together and never once have a serious heart to heart. Over 2 years we repeated this a couple times and I just kept thinking one of these times it would just work out. It was never gonna because he couldn't have any respect for me for how I let him treat me and he still needed time to get over his divorce. I haven't talked to him for 35 years because I don't live in the same area anymore. But I know he eventually did get remarried and had a son; and looking back now, I don't think I ever really did love him. We were just young and he wasn't a bad guy (he was not an abuser), just hadn't dealt with apparently being blindsided by a divorce he didn't want at the time that kept him from seeing how much of an arse he was being.

There's so much you're stupid about in your 20s thinking, Oh, it'll all work out, even though you hadn't worked on your ish. You gotta work on your ish or nothing is ever gonna be different no matter how many times you get married.

So true. I knew for sure I couldn’t date for a while because I just had too many hang ups. There are a lot of people who just jump back in to a relationship after heartbreak before putting in the work, and like you said the same patterns will emerge.

 

[CapitalCitySaint]

This makes me think about a boyfriend I had in my mid 20s. At the time we met, he was way more into me than I was into him. But we kept running into each other until he grew on me and we started hanging out. I was surprised to learn he was already divorced having gotten married basically right after high school after a couple years. He didn't really tell me much and I didn't ask the questions I should have; but the understanding I had was that he had been totally in love with her (his words) and it was she who broke up the marriage.

Well, I just didn't appreciate how messed up he was about it still and that he wasn't ready for another relationship yet given how much he had pursued me and we'd be good for a little while and then he'd ghost me and then like a dummy -- because by this time I was into him -- we'd just get back together and never once have a serious heart to heart. Over 2 years we repeated this a couple times and I just kept thinking one of these times it would just work out. It was never gonna because he couldn't have any respect for me for how I let him treat me and he still needed time to get over his divorce. I haven't talked to him for 35 years because I don't live in the same area anymore. But I know he eventually did get remarried and had a son; and looking back now, I don't think I ever really did love him. We were just young and he wasn't a bad guy (he was not an abuser), just hadn't dealt with apparently being blindsided by a divorce he didn't want at the time that kept him from seeing how much of an arse he was being.

There's so much you're stupid about in your 20s thinking, Oh, it'll all work out, even though you hadn't worked on your ish. You gotta work on your ish or nothing is ever gonna be different no matter how many times you get married.

I recently went out with a guy a few times. Really nice guy. Ex NFL player (nobody major & this was like 2000-05). Has a great job, still in incredible shape… but he’s going through a divorce and was only 4 months into “the process”, 3 of those 4 months he had spent thinking they were on a trial separation & he would be going home after only to be told a month prior to meeting me that it was not a trial any longer.

they had been together off & on since college and married about 20 years & have some kids. I recall on the 2nd & last date him asking me “so how do you feel about this/us?” And I was like look, it would be remiss to not acknowledge that you are really only 1 month into this after basically being with the same person for the better part of 25 years. There will be a lot of shifting emotions and things to deal with moving forward and a lot of healing - plus you guys haven’t even started the process of dividing up assets and belongings, custody, selling the house. It’s going to get ugly.”

The only thing so far that had been done was that she filed & moved him out. While he has a really good job, I’m 110% sure that she out-earns him by a lot. She’s kind of a big deal. So it’s definitely going to get ugly.

He was trying hard to plead his case that he was over it & ready to move on. That was the moment when I knew I would never see him again. You don’t just get over 25 years with someone in a month & explained to him that accepting that the relationship ended & there would not be reconciliation is not the same thing as being “over it” and also in a good mental space to move on and try to begin a life with someone new.

I called it off because walking a man through his divorce is not my ministry. He’s good looking, articulate & has a great job. I’m sure he will find some woman willing to do that, it just won’t be me.

 

[Deuuuuce]

He was trying hard to plead his case that he was over it & ready to move on. That was the moment when I knew I would never see him again. You don’t just get over 25 years with someone in a month & explained to him that accepting that the relationship ended & there would not be reconciliation is not the same thing as being “over it” and also in a good mental space to move on and try to begin a life with someone new.

Yeah no freaking way he was ready to move on. Knowing what I know about getting over divorce, I am cautious of dating anyone less than 2 years removed from a divorce. It’s pretty easy to spot when someone isn’t ready when you have gone through it yourself.