clearing the deck - the marriage status thread (1 Viewer)

[Sailorsaint]

I have a cousin that is like this. She's speedrun 3 marriages by her early 40's, and that's not even counting the live in boyfriends that each lasted for a couple of years and then ended disastrously. She is utterly terrified of being alone and will hook up with anything that gives her the time of day because of it. Then it inevitably ends in disaster and she repeats the same mistakes all over again.

This is so alien to me, but I'm maybe the opposite end of the spectrum where I'm perhaps too comfortable being alone. For most of my life it hasn't exactly been by choice (I am most certainly no catch and of limited social value. Sometimes you just lose the genetic lottery.), but it's such a core part of who I am now that I don't know if I could ever live any other way.

It’s eerie how similar that is to my life. Including the cousin, except my cousin is a guy.

 

[Madmarsha]

Yeah … one of the ladies I know that is recently divorced, after chasing men much younger that were not interested in anything more than casual sex, has now settled into a full blown relationship with a married man with little kids for over a year and has convinced herelef that this is THE ONE

ETA: if it wasn’t for the 3 marriages, I’d think your cousin was the same woman I know. Lol

We probably all know her.

 

[UpHere]

married 25 years this past year, there were two times it almost ended, it took both of us to see we both needed to make some changes, thankfully we've been on the same page - if anything were to happen though i can confidently say i'll spend the rest of my days alone and be good with it

the "good" news about the divorce and separations that i've known, they have never turned out worse than it was being married - after the initial shock, it has always been an improvement with all the family relationships - my mom and dad couldn't stand each other but they were always there for us after the divorce - I hope your family stays together, even if you can't be together all the time

 

[zeetes]

i love you gmr. wish for the best outcome, no matter how it works out.

 

[Madmarsha]

So what's the reason for divorce assuming that two people got married in the first place for "the right reasons" (read: both took the vows intending to make an honest go of marriage). When you've gotten married for the "wrong reasons" (got pregnant, to get out of parents' house or some other living situation, wanting to control the other person, etc.), the reason will be apparent. I've no idea how many marriages that would account for. Probably a lot but they aren't the ones I struggle with. Not even the ones where one or both admit to themselves when already in that it was a mistake but you "play it out". And not the ones that suffered the especially poignant trauma of losing a child where I imagine just the individual act of breathing is difficult enough to manage let alone navigating your role as part of a couple.

No, the reasons for divorce that I struggle with are the ones where the parties enter with a good faith "love conquers all" mindset and still end up in a heap because those aren't a small number either. The ones where as sentient human beings we've entered into it "reverently, discreetly, advisedly and soberly" because we know none of us are a perfect clean slate and we all have our own peccadilloes, micro traumas, macro traumas, etc. we bring to the marriage and agree to work through .... and then just don't. 'Cause those ones at least should all work, right?

 

[UncleTrvlingJim]

So what's the reason for divorce assuming that two people got married in the first place for "the right reasons" (read: both took the vows intending to make an honest go of marriage). When you've gotten married for the "wrong reasons" (got pregnant, to get out of parents' house or some other living situation, wanting to control the other person, etc.), the reason will be apparent. I've no idea how many marriages that would account for. Probably a lot but they aren't the ones I struggle with. Not even the ones where one or both admit to themselves when already in that it was a mistake but you "play it out". And not the ones that suffered the especially poignant trauma of losing a child where I imagine just the individual act of breathing is difficult enough to manage let alone navigating your role as part of a couple.

No, the reasons for divorce that I struggle with are the ones where the parties enter with a good faith "love conquers all" mindset and still end up in a heap because those aren't a small number either. The ones where as sentient human beings we've entered into it "reverently, discreetly, advisedly and soberly" because we know none of us are a perfect clean slate and we all have our own peccadilloes, micro traumas, macro traumas, etc. we bring to the marriage and agree to work through .... and then just don't. 'Cause those ones at least should all work, right?

I think in those cases, eventually the hormones wear off and the couple finds that they are just too different to live together comfortably. I think that happens... people can be wildly attracted to each other and be decent people, but just don't mesh well together in life.

Or they initially were compatible, but life is long and people change. And that doesn't mean change for the worse or better, just different, and they find that they have different interests and different goals. It's sad, but not tragic I think.

I'm sorry guido - the separation may be for the best, but I imagine its still got to be weird and sad when things don't work out the way you hope. I hope you build a life you enjoy for you and your kids (and wife - even if it means not being together anymore).

To echo CCS and Taxpe - I see online some discussion in women's forums/subreddits about decentering men. Which seems like a good idea. I don't see as much of that (decentering women) in men's discussion groups. I mean I see advice to guys facing heartbreak or whatever to go to the gym or work on self improvement... but the focus seems to be on making the woman regret her choice or to find the next woman. Instead of just being a person you like.

I think there's a tremendous pressure in society to find a partner or to have sex. And I think to some degree that's fine - sex is great. So is having a life partner. But I think too much emphasis is placed on it - it becomes the single variable judge their self worth on. That feels unhealthy to me.

 

[Mr. Blue Sky]

WDSU talking to Councilman Oliver Thomas indicating he's spoken to the 2 police officers who were shot. Said conscious, up and about, family members there.

Wrong thread dear

 

[Mr. Blue Sky]

i love you gmr. wish for the best outcome, no matter how it works out.

He told me to tell you that he loves you too .

 

[Madmarsha]

Wrong thread dear

Dam. Thanks.

 

[guidomerkinsrules]

He told me to tell you that he loves you too .

zeetes knows

 

[Deuuuuce]

Hope you’re taking care of yourself. During difficult times it’s easy to fall into unhealthy patterns because of all of the stress, but it’s so important to do the small things like eat well, exercise, get enough sleep, get some sun etc. You’re doing awesome with your kids, but don’t forget yourself either.

I was married about 6 years. I thought we were perfect for eachother. We enjoyed the same music, enjoyed nature, would go on vacations every year, and had a comfortable life. I was blind sided when i found out she was making plans without me and suddenly all this stuff came out that I was unaware of. We tried to work it out via counseling, but the trust wasn’t there anymore and we wound up getting a divorce. Definitely the most difficult thing I’ve ever been through.

It’s been a good 5 years since then, and I still miss her. I went through all stages of grief, and I can tell you that when it happens, it can feel catastrophic and the grief and anger can stay with you for a while. The only way I was able to get to the acceptance part was to focus on the positives and tell myself that it was mostly a great experience even though it ended the way it did. My ex wife had regret, but i hope that she came to the same conclusion that I did too. Another one of the few positives about splitting or divorcing is self discovery. You learn so much about yourself, and the strength you use to get through carries over to other areas of your life.

There is very little in life that is permanent: Including the grief and stress of dealing with separation or divorce. You work through it. Counseling helps a lot. Get in contact with old friends. Or hell just vent on here. Take care of yourself!

 

[Dago]

Sorry for what you are going through @guidomerkinsrules

Went through similar after almost 20 years of marriage minus the kids

 

[Optimus Prime]

If you don’t mind my asking, could your kids sense this coming or were they caught off guard?

 

[Devildog]

I'm sorry this happened to you, Guido. You seem like a good dude. My wife and I have been married for 32 years (got married REALLY young). While I wish we would have waited until we were older, I wouldn't trade it for anything, warts and all. It almost ended 7 years ago from some unresolved issues on my end, but I've gotten help and now we're stronger than ever.

I really do hope things works out for both of you.