clearing the deck - the marriage status thread (14 Viewers)

[guidomerkinsrules]

I know a handful of people both men & women (in their late 40’s/early 50’s) who are recently divorced (like within the last 2 years) after decades of marriage. Every single one of them immediately set out to fork a bunch of people and/or jump immediately into a new serious relationship/force a serious relationship with the first willing victim.

All nice people but man are they so lost. Not a single one has taken the time to be single and really just focus on who they are as a single person, what they actually like to do, etc. They cannot be alone. Everything they do is motivated by finding someone of the opposite sex. It’s really tragic to watch grown arsed people behave the way they do.

Sorry to hear about your marriage, Guido.

it's an odd place for me - i'd been what has been described as a serial monogamist
at the end of a relationship I would often get a bit giddy about 'what's next' possibilities
that's definitely not the case now
I think (charitably) my main reluctance is the kids - I have the kids Th-Su (sometimes they'll be with me Sunday night sometimes with her). then I get up before 5am usually. so not a lot of dating windows
but mostly I think that would be hard for my kids (and I certainly wouldn't want to run around behind their backs)

HOWEVER
if i'm being honest, I do think I am curious about how I 'rate'
supposedly in my youth I was relatively attractive and I at least had an interesting life story
now i'm an overweight, faded glory HS teacher
(TBC that's not a 'woe is me' statement - I had my time and that time has passed - it is what it is)

 

[guidomerkinsrules]

Bro, please accept this virtual hug from me.
Marriage is difficult. I can say this about any relationship that has meaning, but marriage stands apart from anything else, IMO. To me, you have to want it everyday and I also don’t think it’s supposed to be hard. My goal in life with the people that I love or honestly, people in general, is to make their lives easier.

My wife and I have been married for 25 years. I say this with many emotions behind it: proud of it, but it’s been a lot. A lot. Raising two children with two opposite parenting styles has been our biggest challenge. My wife’s first response to almost anything that doesn’t fit into her “box”, is anger, frustration, NO! or all three. And she’s a yeller. My response to just about anything is “let me try to understand before making a decision”. I’m very reserved and I have a low voice. So through both of my kids’ lives, it’s been a “good cop/bad cop”situation for just about everything. It’s been exhausting - even with them both in college, trying to help them navigate young adulthood and responsibility without overwhelming them has been extremely challenging. When they were little, there were plenty of times that I never wanted to come home from work but it was never because of the kids. There were years when I knew the only reasons I stayed faithful, present, bit my tongue, and came home everyday was just for those two rug rats.
I said all this to say that while we’ve never separated, my mind has gone there. The last 2-3 years have overall been better, but it still requires patience and understanding. I’m sure my wife could write a book about me, so no, it’s not all her. Enough about me though.

I can’t give advice as I am no expert at all and I don’t think you were seeking any - just putting yourself out there which I admire you for - takes courage to talk about these things. I hope everything works out well for you and anyone else dealing with similar issues.

beautifully said

 

[Madmarsha]

so been meaning to write this thread for awhile - not bc I think anyone should care, but bc I respect when posters discuss something vulnerable and (most) other posters engage honestly
my wife and I separated this summer (but seemingly it had been on life support since COVID)
kids split time and have mostly adjusted pretty well - we're about 5 minutes away from each other
we're doing ok - neither are talking divorce (nor are we talking reconciliation)

I guess that's it for now
if you have questions, I will try to answer
if you want to share your own stories, I will read
if you know a guy who has a houseboat, I will listen

Is it because of your lack of using periods and very little other punctuation?

 

[guidomerkinsrules]

Is it because of your lack of periods and very little other puncuation?

Had she agreed to therapy, we might have had an answer for you
But for now your question will just have to dangle like a

 

[Madmarsha]

..... but mostly I think that would be hard for my kids (and I certainly wouldn't want to run around behind their backs) .....

With the alternative being dating people who aren't their parent in front of them casually?

 

[The Nomad]

In all seriousness, talk to a therapist, it may help you find the direction you want to take. I hope for peace for your family.

 

[soupcan dan]

i punctuate poorly and dont know a capitol from a capital.......yet im still happy.

 

[Tapxe]

unfortunately my response will sound like typical defensiveness, but the only way we would reconcile (that I can see atm) is if my wife did a lot of self-repair
ostensibly she is still carrying a lot of unresolved trauma from her teen years, then with the second child there was a big hormonal shift (that she would admit to) and some (also admitted) perimenopausal changes
i'd hoped/asked for awhile for us to get help, but the trauma stuff has a lot of catch-22 self-sabotaging
like when she's upset she claims that 'we' drifted apart but she is never able to give me any examples of my pulling away from her

(and yes, I understand I'm telling the story so I get to play hero/victim, but she hasn't been able to provide a counter-narrative, so...)

Obviously this is long distance mostly guess work, but u asked for perspectives. As a man who's spent the last 8 years figuring out what he did wrong after supporting an emotionless relationship for 12 years prior, all I can say is that it takes 2. You can do everything right and not be enough while another can do everything wrong and be all.

But that's not fair to the loser. They deserve a promised return for their effort.

IDK if this is where you're at, but I caution you to be honest with yourself about how you feel. This thread makes me think maybe somewhere you know you can't accept something and it's time to address it. I could be wrong only you can judge that, but I lied to myself for far far too many years thinking we'd work it out. I refused to see she was checked out because ... her ish.

I say it like this, if you are in a plane and the cabin depressurizes you are supposed to take care of yourself first. Right now, sounds like you're trying to help her and both u and the kids suffer.

If she is dragging you down, is that what you want your kids to think is acceptable behavior? Do you want them emotionally withdrawing from their significant others or to expect that from a mate? Ya don't have to be mean about it, but if her change has reached a point where it breaks a boundary you probably need to address it for your own mental wellbeing.

All that said, if she can get the right trauma therapist can help. But do not be fooled, she's got to want to change. If you do not see that...

 

[soupcan dan]

divorce lawyers suck... i still send hers a christmas card every year that says 'suck it"


somehow they come back opened yet "return to sender"

 

[Mr. Blue Sky]

Sorry Guido.. i understand your wanting to share a bit, yet also keep things a bit private .. as bad a rap as social media gets (and this site is a form of social media, dont get it twisted)- the beauty of social media is it lets you set the rules, or no rules at all.. it also allows you to reinvent yourself.. you can share as much, or as little as you want, with no repercussions .. unless of course you share too much non-anonymously, as was warned against upthread- but I don’t think you are approaching that at all … Also, the more i experience having been married, and hearing about others’ marriages- the more i think it’s unnatural and probably not as healthy for society as we’ve all been taught to believe it is .

 

[Tapxe]

I know a handful of people both men & women (in their late 40’s/early 50’s) who are recently divorced (like within the last 2 years) after decades of marriage. Every single one of them immediately set out to fork a bunch of people and/or jump immediately into a new serious relationship/force a serious relationship with the first willing victim.

All nice people but man are they so lost. Not a single one has taken the time to be single and really just focus on who they are as a single person, what they actually like to do, etc. They cannot be alone. Everything they do is motivated by finding someone of the opposite sex. It’s really tragic to watch grown arsed people behave the way they do.

Sorry to hear about your marriage, Guido.

This very much this.

I never took the time to explore because I was afraid of being alone. The most important relationship we have is with ourselves. We're taught it's all about someone else and get crushed when\if we learn opposite.

 

[Semper]

I am sorry to hear this @guidomerkinsrules . I stayed in my first marriage for 10 years for my kids and I took my responsibilities seriously. I refused to be like my father who was married 7 times etc.

Turns out it was a horrible decision. My children suffered etc as did I and my ex wife. I met my current wife and we have been married for almost 22 years.

We get one shot at this thing called life. An electric word life that means forever and that’s a mighty long time but I mean to tell you, there’s something else….

Oops got off track there. One shot etc etc. live your life. Be the father you want to be. Live the life that makes you happy.

Will keep you in my thoughts buddy.

 

[Mr. Blue Sky]

“If you want unconditional love- Get a dog .”

 

[0rion]

so been meaning to write this thread for awhile - not bc I think anyone should care, but bc I respect when posters discuss something vulnerable and (most) other posters engage honestly
my wife and I separated this summer (but seemingly it had been on life support since COVID)
kids split time and have mostly adjusted pretty well - we're about 5 minutes away from each other
we're doing ok - neither are talking divorce (nor are we talking reconciliation)

I guess that's it for now
if you have questions, I will try to answer
if you want to share your own stories, I will read
if you know a guy who has a houseboat, I will listen

Sorry to hear that and I went through it in my mid 20's with my practice marriage. We didn't have kids and were only married 2 years so it's a fraction of what you're going through but even without kids and such a short time it's the hardest time of my life and there's not really a close second. I got through it by having really close friends I can openly talk to about anything and delicious miller lite.

 

[0rion]

Also...after having said that I'll say this. I would do it all over again 100 times to end up where I am now and with the wife and kids I currently have. The pain and heart ache was easily worth where I ended up.