clearing the deck - the marriage status thread (2 Viewers)

[HoustonSaint68]

We probably all know her.

In the biblical sense?

 

[Madmarsha]

In the biblical sense?

There are many times that's what I mean ..... this was not one of those times.

 

[HoustonSaint68]

Tough. Lots of good replies above.

I had a failed marriage: married at barely 20, split by barely 24. Swore I wouldn’t even think of getting married again until I was 40. Just three years later, I got engaged again less than three months after first meeting wife #2. 36 years later, we’re still happily married. So I should have plenty of good advice, right?

Nope.

A lot of it’s just luck — mostly the type where your separate spousal growth patterns are like the Rouse’s grocery cart races during Saints games; they’re not running even all the time, but they’re following the same course and always within close spitting distance of one another. That’s just luck.

And even when you’re lucky in that regard like my wife and I are, well, even remaining very much in love and lust we’ve still had a couple of pretty rough spots to get through. When that happens, as Taxpe noted, it’s impossible unless both parties are committed to make it through because it’s what they want FOR THEMSELVES. Trying to push a string won’t advance anything.

So, not much advice to give. Just sending good thoughts your way, and maybe a suggestion to simply zen your way through the coming months and years. Let life, and the relationships in it, come to you naturally. Carve out space for yourself, stay engaged with people in the spheres that you enjoy, and don’t focus the entirety of your life on the kids and work.

Oh, and (in the long run) you’ll never regret taking the high road, even if she takes the low one. The old “never wrestle with a pig” thing….

 

[0rion]

Tough. Lots of good replies above.

I had a failed marriage: married at barely 20, split by barely 24. Swore I wouldn’t even think of getting married again until I was 40. Just three years later, I got engaged again less than three months after first meeting wife #2. 36 years later, we’re still happily married. So I should have plenty of good advice, right?

Nope.

A lot of it’s just luck — mostly the type where your separate spousal growth patterns are like the Rouse’s grocery cart races during Saints games; they’re not running even all the time, but they’re following the same course and always within close spitting distance of one another. That’s just luck.

And even when you’re lucky in that regard like my wife and I are, well, even remaining very much in love and lust we’ve still had a couple of pretty rough spots to get through. When that happens, as Taxpe noted, it’s impossible unless both parties are committed to make it through because it’s what they want FOR THEMSELVES. Trying to push a string won’t advance anything.

So, not much advice to give. Just sending good thoughts your way, and maybe a suggestion to simply zen your way through the coming months and years. Let life, and the relationships in it, come to you naturally. Carve out space for yourself, stay engaged with people in the spheres that you enjoy, and don’t focus the entirety of your life on the kids and work.

Oh, and (in the long run) you’ll never regret taking the high road, even if she takes the low one. The old “never wrestle with a pig” thing….

Any advice that contains racing and grocery carts has my stamp of approval. Not everyone can do that

 

[jayd265]

I’ve messed up twice getting married.

2006 I turned 18 in April. Married in Sept.
I was a Jehovah’s Witness so it’s kinda just what u did in that cult.

2016 she cheated with another JW. Told me about it in Jan 2017. We tried to make it work til I caught her talking to another guy in Nov 2017. I moved out the next day.

But. My buddy text a friend he knew about 10 days later. We talked for a month and met mid Dec 2017.

Engaged Dec 2019. Married Nov 2021.

And then April 2023 she said she wasn’t happy, might want kids and doesn’t know what she wants.

So since I had a vasectomy and 2 kids already I wasn’t having more kids. Her sister had a baby a month after our first anniversary and I think that changed things.

Now I refuse to get married. Have a gf but it’s very clear I’m not doing it again.

 

[Boy_of_wonder75]

So sorry to hear this. I hope you two are able to get where you need to be.

 

[HoustonSaint68]

Any advice that contains racing and grocery carts has my stamp of approval. Not everyone can do that

That reminds me…flirt with your wife and surreptitiously caress her arse in the grocery store.

 

[guidomerkinsrules]

That reminds me…flirt with your wife and surreptitiously caress her arse in the grocery store.

Seems unconventional but worth a shot i guess- how do I find out when Orion’s wife makes her groceries?

 

[UncleTrvlingJim]

This is so alien to me, but I'm maybe the opposite end of the spectrum where I'm perhaps too comfortable being alone. For most of my life it hasn't exactly been by choice (I am most certainly no catch and of limited social value. Sometimes you just lose the genetic lottery.), but it's such a core part of who I am now that I don't know if I could ever live any other way.

I meant to address this earlier. I think there's absolutely nothing wrong with being comfortable being alone, and I wish more people would find that comfort. But I wanted to push back on you being of limited social value. I'm not entirely sure what context you meant that - but it struck me the way I see some people talking about "high value males" etc. Which I think is bullshirt.

First, I really enjoy reading your posts on this board, and find that you add definite value to this part of society. I believe you're also a teacher, and your overall posts makes me believe you are probably a considerate teacher who is helping his students become better versions of themselves, which is of tremendous social value.

I hope I'm not overstepping, and I don't want to diminish the reality that some people do have a harder time finding companionship, and that society does value certain things over others. But it's a big world, and there are tons of butt crevasses out there that make the world worse, and I don't think you are one of those - which already puts you in the "adding value to the world" in my camp.

 

[Dago]

In the biblical sense?

Drag her into the street and stone her?

 

[Optimus Prime]

In my observation, most people can’t be alone. I would probably have been one of them but after my divorce, I also ended up losing my job, my self-esteem was totally crushed and I was too embarrassed to even try to meet anyone while unemployed & freshly divorced. So, in a way, I was forced (self-imposed?) into taking the time to heal/do some self-discovery & solidify my independence without inflicting upon/burying my unresolved issues on someone else (which is what I see most people doing in some form or another when jumping into the next thing after their relationships end).

Once read that many of the world’s problems stem from a person’s inability to be by themselves

 

[Dago]

Once read that many of the world’s problems stem from a person’s inability to be by themselves

I have plenty of fun by myself.

Unless someone walks in on me

 

[GeauxWhoDats]

I am sorry to hear about your situation Guido. Marriage is not easy. My only advice is to do what is best for everyone involved. People will be quick to say "communication is key" but it reality that can be one of the largest hurdles. Good Luck to you and your family.

 

[guidomerkinsrules]

Once read that many of the world’s problems stem from a person’s inability to be by themselves

ok, this was my que to re-engage
there is obvious psychological/emotional value in being self-sufficient
BUT
we are a social species - some of us can be male lions just bebopping solo across the Serengeti, but i don't think it's 'normal'
independence seems a social construct - and learning to 'be by yourself' seems a lab experiment
my contention has always been that a partnership (any small group engagement) exists to produce more/better than each individual could manage on their own
now that obviously has a flip side
that an individual could stymie the growth of themselves and, in particular, others in relationships

and I think this is mainly why i'm not interested in jumping back into a relationship
i'd had 2 major 'come to jesus'es with myself as a romantic partner
in grad school (North Carolina) I was still in a LDR - when we were both touring artists we decided we needed to open the relationship bc we'd go months without seeing each other (I'd be on tour, she'd be teaching in Holland, etc)
in grad school I'd be very upfront with potential liaisons that I was in an LDR - but I realized later that I didn't really act like that. I would be very emotionally and physically attentive to new 'partner' so I was giving hella mixed signals
eventually I just had to realize I was hurting people and my actions were more important than my words

presently i'm almost certain I would be repeating a similar pattern

 

[CapitalCitySaint]

I could write a book on how many married men and men in serious relationships (like living with a woman) have pursued me. I think to myself "I am not ugly. Why would you think that I'd settle for this?" but I digress.

ETA: This is a big reason why I have not had a lot of interest in marriage again. Not all of them have been the standard dooshbag type of guy either. Most of them, to the rest of the world, would appear to be great husbands & fathers.