clearing the deck - the marriage status thread (7 Viewers)

[Madmarsha]

.... I was married about 6 years. I thought we were perfect for eachother. We enjoyed the same music, enjoyed nature, would go on vacations every year, and had a comfortable life. I was blind sided when i found out she was making plans without me and suddenly all this stuff came out that I was unaware of. We tried to work it out via counseling, but the trust wasn’t there anymore and we wound up getting a divorce. Definitely the most difficult thing I’ve ever been through .....

This makes me think about a boyfriend I had in my mid 20s. At the time we met, he was way more into me than I was into him. But we kept running into each other until he grew on me and we started hanging out. I was surprised to learn he was already divorced having gotten married basically right after high school after a couple years. He didn't really tell me much and I didn't ask the questions I should have; but the understanding I had was that he had been totally in love with her (his words) and it was she who broke up the marriage.

Well, I just didn't appreciate how messed up he was about it still and that he wasn't ready for another relationship yet given how much he had pursued me and we'd be good for a little while and then he'd ghost me and then like a dummy -- because by this time I was into him -- we'd just get back together and never once have a serious heart to heart. Over 2 years we repeated this a couple times and I just kept thinking one of these times it would just work out. It was never gonna because he couldn't have any respect for me for how I let him treat me and he still needed time to get over his divorce. I haven't talked to him for 35 years because I don't live in the same area anymore. But I know he eventually did get remarried and had a son; and looking back now, I don't think I ever really did love him. We were just young and he wasn't a bad guy (he was not an abuser), just hadn't dealt with apparently being blindsided by a divorce he didn't want at the time that kept him from seeing how much of an arse he was being.

There's so much you're stupid about in your 20s thinking, Oh, it'll all work out, even though you hadn't worked on your ish. You gotta work on your ish or nothing is ever gonna be different no matter how many times you get married.

 

[Deuuuuce]

This makes me think about a boyfriend I had in my mid 20s. At the time we met, he was way more into me than I was into him. But we kept running into each other until he grew on me and we started hanging out. I was surprised to learn he was already divorced having gotten married basically right after high school after a couple years. He didn't really tell me much and I didn't ask the questions I should have; but the understanding I had was that he had been totally in love with her (his words) and it was she who broke up the marriage.

Well, I just didn't appreciate how messed up he was about it still and that he wasn't ready for another relationship yet given how much he had pursued me and we'd be good for a little while and then he'd ghost me and then like a dummy -- because by this time I was into him -- we'd just get back together and never once have a serious heart to heart. Over 2 years we repeated this a couple times and I just kept thinking one of these times it would just work out. It was never gonna because he couldn't have any respect for me for how I let him treat me and he still needed time to get over his divorce. I haven't talked to him for 35 years because I don't live in the same area anymore. But I know he eventually did get remarried and had a son; and looking back now, I don't think I ever really did love him. We were just young and he wasn't a bad guy (he was not an abuser), just hadn't dealt with apparently being blindsided by a divorce he didn't want at the time that kept him from seeing how much of an arse he was being.

There's so much you're stupid about in your 20s thinking, Oh, it'll all work out, even though you hadn't worked on your ish. You gotta work on your ish or nothing is ever gonna be different no matter how many times you get married.

So true. I knew for sure I couldn’t date for a while because I just had too many hang ups. There are a lot of people who just jump back in to a relationship after heartbreak before putting in the work, and like you said the same patterns will emerge.

 

[CapitalCitySaint]

This makes me think about a boyfriend I had in my mid 20s. At the time we met, he was way more into me than I was into him. But we kept running into each other until he grew on me and we started hanging out. I was surprised to learn he was already divorced having gotten married basically right after high school after a couple years. He didn't really tell me much and I didn't ask the questions I should have; but the understanding I had was that he had been totally in love with her (his words) and it was she who broke up the marriage.

Well, I just didn't appreciate how messed up he was about it still and that he wasn't ready for another relationship yet given how much he had pursued me and we'd be good for a little while and then he'd ghost me and then like a dummy -- because by this time I was into him -- we'd just get back together and never once have a serious heart to heart. Over 2 years we repeated this a couple times and I just kept thinking one of these times it would just work out. It was never gonna because he couldn't have any respect for me for how I let him treat me and he still needed time to get over his divorce. I haven't talked to him for 35 years because I don't live in the same area anymore. But I know he eventually did get remarried and had a son; and looking back now, I don't think I ever really did love him. We were just young and he wasn't a bad guy (he was not an abuser), just hadn't dealt with apparently being blindsided by a divorce he didn't want at the time that kept him from seeing how much of an arse he was being.

There's so much you're stupid about in your 20s thinking, Oh, it'll all work out, even though you hadn't worked on your ish. You gotta work on your ish or nothing is ever gonna be different no matter how many times you get married.

I recently went out with a guy a few times. Really nice guy. Ex NFL player (nobody major & this was like 2000-05). Has a great job, still in incredible shape… but he’s going through a divorce and was only 4 months into “the process”, 3 of those 4 months he had spent thinking they were on a trial separation & he would be going home after only to be told a month prior to meeting me that it was not a trial any longer.

they had been together off & on since college and married about 20 years & have some kids. I recall on the 2nd & last date him asking me “so how do you feel about this/us?” And I was like look, it would be remiss to not acknowledge that you are really only 1 month into this after basically being with the same person for the better part of 25 years. There will be a lot of shifting emotions and things to deal with moving forward and a lot of healing - plus you guys haven’t even started the process of dividing up assets and belongings, custody, selling the house. It’s going to get ugly.”

The only thing so far that had been done was that she filed & moved him out. While he has a really good job, I’m 110% sure that she out-earns him by a lot. She’s kind of a big deal. So it’s definitely going to get ugly.

He was trying hard to plead his case that he was over it & ready to move on. That was the moment when I knew I would never see him again. You don’t just get over 25 years with someone in a month & explained to him that accepting that the relationship ended & there would not be reconciliation is not the same thing as being “over it” and also in a good mental space to move on and try to begin a life with someone new.

I called it off because walking a man through his divorce is not my ministry. He’s good looking, articulate & has a great job. I’m sure he will find some woman willing to do that, it just won’t be me.

 

[Deuuuuce]

He was trying hard to plead his case that he was over it & ready to move on. That was the moment when I knew I would never see him again. You don’t just get over 25 years with someone in a month & explained to him that accepting that the relationship ended & there would not be reconciliation is not the same thing as being “over it” and also in a good mental space to move on and try to begin a life with someone new.

Yeah no freaking way he was ready to move on. Knowing what I know about getting over divorce, I am cautious of dating anyone less than 2 years removed from a divorce. It’s pretty easy to spot when someone isn’t ready when you have gone through it yourself.

 

[HoustonSaint68]

We probably all know her.

In the biblical sense?

 

[Madmarsha]

In the biblical sense?

There are many times that's what I mean ..... this was not one of those times.

 

[HoustonSaint68]

Tough. Lots of good replies above.

I had a failed marriage: married at barely 20, split by barely 24. Swore I wouldn’t even think of getting married again until I was 40. Just three years later, I got engaged again less than three months after first meeting wife #2. 36 years later, we’re still happily married. So I should have plenty of good advice, right?

Nope.

A lot of it’s just luck — mostly the type where your separate spousal growth patterns are like the Rouse’s grocery cart races during Saints games; they’re not running even all the time, but they’re following the same course and always within close spitting distance of one another. That’s just luck.

And even when you’re lucky in that regard like my wife and I are, well, even remaining very much in love and lust we’ve still had a couple of pretty rough spots to get through. When that happens, as Taxpe noted, it’s impossible unless both parties are committed to make it through because it’s what they want FOR THEMSELVES. Trying to push a string won’t advance anything.

So, not much advice to give. Just sending good thoughts your way, and maybe a suggestion to simply zen your way through the coming months and years. Let life, and the relationships in it, come to you naturally. Carve out space for yourself, stay engaged with people in the spheres that you enjoy, and don’t focus the entirety of your life on the kids and work.

Oh, and (in the long run) you’ll never regret taking the high road, even if she takes the low one. The old “never wrestle with a pig” thing….

 

[0rion]

Tough. Lots of good replies above.

I had a failed marriage: married at barely 20, split by barely 24. Swore I wouldn’t even think of getting married again until I was 40. Just three years later, I got engaged again less than three months after first meeting wife #2. 36 years later, we’re still happily married. So I should have plenty of good advice, right?

Nope.

A lot of it’s just luck — mostly the type where your separate spousal growth patterns are like the Rouse’s grocery cart races during Saints games; they’re not running even all the time, but they’re following the same course and always within close spitting distance of one another. That’s just luck.

And even when you’re lucky in that regard like my wife and I are, well, even remaining very much in love and lust we’ve still had a couple of pretty rough spots to get through. When that happens, as Taxpe noted, it’s impossible unless both parties are committed to make it through because it’s what they want FOR THEMSELVES. Trying to push a string won’t advance anything.

So, not much advice to give. Just sending good thoughts your way, and maybe a suggestion to simply zen your way through the coming months and years. Let life, and the relationships in it, come to you naturally. Carve out space for yourself, stay engaged with people in the spheres that you enjoy, and don’t focus the entirety of your life on the kids and work.

Oh, and (in the long run) you’ll never regret taking the high road, even if she takes the low one. The old “never wrestle with a pig” thing….

Any advice that contains racing and grocery carts has my stamp of approval. Not everyone can do that

 

[jayd265]

I’ve messed up twice getting married.

2006 I turned 18 in April. Married in Sept.
I was a Jehovah’s Witness so it’s kinda just what u did in that cult.

2016 she cheated with another JW. Told me about it in Jan 2017. We tried to make it work til I caught her talking to another guy in Nov 2017. I moved out the next day.

But. My buddy text a friend he knew about 10 days later. We talked for a month and met mid Dec 2017.

Engaged Dec 2019. Married Nov 2021.

And then April 2023 she said she wasn’t happy, might want kids and doesn’t know what she wants.

So since I had a vasectomy and 2 kids already I wasn’t having more kids. Her sister had a baby a month after our first anniversary and I think that changed things.

Now I refuse to get married. Have a gf but it’s very clear I’m not doing it again.

 

[Boy_of_wonder75]

So sorry to hear this. I hope you two are able to get where you need to be.

 

[HoustonSaint68]

Any advice that contains racing and grocery carts has my stamp of approval. Not everyone can do that

That reminds me…flirt with your wife and surreptitiously caress her arse in the grocery store.

 

[guidomerkinsrules]

That reminds me…flirt with your wife and surreptitiously caress her arse in the grocery store.

Seems unconventional but worth a shot i guess- how do I find out when Orion’s wife makes her groceries?

 

[UncleTrvlingJim]

This is so alien to me, but I'm maybe the opposite end of the spectrum where I'm perhaps too comfortable being alone. For most of my life it hasn't exactly been by choice (I am most certainly no catch and of limited social value. Sometimes you just lose the genetic lottery.), but it's such a core part of who I am now that I don't know if I could ever live any other way.

I meant to address this earlier. I think there's absolutely nothing wrong with being comfortable being alone, and I wish more people would find that comfort. But I wanted to push back on you being of limited social value. I'm not entirely sure what context you meant that - but it struck me the way I see some people talking about "high value males" etc. Which I think is bullshirt.

First, I really enjoy reading your posts on this board, and find that you add definite value to this part of society. I believe you're also a teacher, and your overall posts makes me believe you are probably a considerate teacher who is helping his students become better versions of themselves, which is of tremendous social value.

I hope I'm not overstepping, and I don't want to diminish the reality that some people do have a harder time finding companionship, and that society does value certain things over others. But it's a big world, and there are tons of butt crevasses out there that make the world worse, and I don't think you are one of those - which already puts you in the "adding value to the world" in my camp.

 

[Dago]

In the biblical sense?

Drag her into the street and stone her?