clearing the deck - the marriage status thread (7 Viewers)

[0rion]

No switch - way more the frog in slowly warming water idea

You know your feelings and situation better than anyone here for sure. Just know that no matter what happens you'll be fine. Easy for me to say I know....but it's true. My experience is that I came out of it stronger and a better person.

 

[DaveXA]

so been meaning to write this thread for awhile - not bc I think anyone should care, but bc I respect when posters discuss something vulnerable and (most) other posters engage honestly
my wife and I separated this summer (but seemingly it had been on life support since COVID)
kids split time and have mostly adjusted pretty well - we're about 5 minutes away from each other
we're doing ok - neither are talking divorce (nor are we talking reconciliation)

I guess that's it for now
if you have questions, I will try to answer
if you want to share your own stories, I will read
if you know a guy who has a houseboat, I will listen

Thank you gmr for this thread. And sorry to read that you're dealing with this. I have noticed that more than a few friends have had a tough go of it since Covid. It really has changed the family dynamics for a lot of people.

As for me, I can say I'm very happily married and on my first marriage going on 27 years. Zero regrets and while we've had our ups and downs, I can honestly say that I've never gotten to a point where I wanted to separate/divorce her. My wife has gotten there a few times several years ago, but lately things have been good in our relationship even in the face of other struggles we've dealt with. I really can't imagine life without her and if ever something happens where we're not together, it's no doubt going to be a challenge adjusting.

I really do appreciate what others have shared here. I definitely can relate.

 

[DaveXA]

So what's the reason for divorce assuming that two people got married in the first place for "the right reasons" (read: both took the vows intending to make an honest go of marriage). When you've gotten married for the "wrong reasons" (got pregnant, to get out of parents' house or some other living situation, wanting to control the other person, etc.), the reason will be apparent. I've no idea how many marriages that would account for. Probably a lot but they aren't the ones I struggle with. Not even the ones where one or both admit to themselves when already in that it was a mistake but you "play it out". And not the ones that suffered the especially poignant trauma of losing a child where I imagine just the individual act of breathing is difficult enough to manage let alone navigating your role as part of a couple.

No, the reasons for divorce that I struggle with are the ones where the parties enter with a good faith "love conquers all" mindset and still end up in a heap because those aren't a small number either. The ones where as sentient human beings we've entered into it "reverently, discreetly, advisedly and soberly" because we know none of us are a perfect clean slate and we all have our own peccadilloes, micro traumas, macro traumas, etc. we bring to the marriage and agree to work through .... and then just don't. 'Cause those ones at least should all work, right?

My wife and I married for what we thought at the time were good reasons and it was because we wanted to be together and we both were deeply religious and both wanted to build a family. Four grown kids later and still happily married after 27 years, we're doing alright.

I can say there have been issues during our marriage that would probably have led to divorces for many if not most couples, but we worked through them.

Having stuck with it as long as we have, I think I get it from my parents. They're still on their first marriage after 56 years. My only sibling is still married to his first wife and they're 26 years in with 2 grown kids.

We've done alright I guess.

 

[Dragon]

I’ve been married for almost 40 years to a man who is quite different from me—something that has been both challenging and rewarding over the years (with plenty of laughs along the way!). I’m an organizer by nature, always analyzing and examining things carefully before making decisions. My husband, on the other hand, is a talented artist who can be wonderfully impulsive.

We’ve known each other since we were about 12 years old and became best friends around the age of 14. As best friends often do, we supported each other through countless teenage and early adult crushes and relationships. Our friendship was built on honesty, so we didn’t shy away from calling each other out, even when one of us had really messed up.

In our early 20s, we decided to take a month-long bike trip through England. Originally, it was meant to be a group of four, but two friends dropped out at the last minute. That left just the two of us—sharing a tent and already knowing each other almost as well as an old married couple. Needless to say, the rest is history!

Fun fact: When we got back home and announced our engagement, we found out that all our friends had a bet running on whether we’d end up a couple after the trip. Looking back, we probably had feelings for each other for years but were too busy navigating the “forest” of life to see the “trees” right in front of us.

Starting out as best friends has been a huge blessing in our marriage. The deep honesty we’ve always shared has helped us communicate our feelings in a frank but non-aggressive way—something we’re incredibly grateful for as we navigate life together.

 

[Madmarsha]

..... he claims he was totally blindsided and there were no issues in the marriage .....she told him that the therapist helped her to realize a bunch of things and he felt that the therapist was the one driving her towards divorce.

So he claims to have not seen anything coming and then indirectly insults his wife by blaming the therapist as though his wife doesn't have her own mind. Dude is so, so, SO far away from seeing, let alone admitting, his own faults, at the least (didn't even get to see what deeper issues he may have outside of mere faults).

So, while I didn't ask because I was already overwhelmed with the amount of details and over-sharing he was doing on a second date (while supposedly "over it" and "ready to move on") and convinced that this was never going to work with him and me ....

Wait, you mean you're not going to date him for, say, another six months to a year to "give him a chance" even though you've already clearly identified red flags that indicate this man is not serious relationship material? Sadly, the next woman he dates probably will do just that and he will never be forced to grow up.

 

[Madmarsha]

I’ve been married for almost 40 years to a man who is quite different from me—something that has been both challenging and rewarding over the years (with plenty of laughs along the way!). I’m an organizer by nature, always analyzing and examining things carefully before making decisions. My husband, on the other hand, is a talented artist who can be wonderfully impulsive.

We’ve known each other since we were about 12 years old and became best friends around the age of 14. As best friends often do, we supported each other through countless teenage and early adult crushes and relationships. Our friendship was built on honesty, so we didn’t shy away from calling each other out, even when one of us had really messed up.

In our early 20s, we decided to take a month-long bike trip through England. Originally, it was meant to be a group of four, but two friends dropped out at the last minute. That left just the two of us—sharing a tent and already knowing each other almost as well as an old married couple. Needless to say, the rest is history!

Fun fact: When we got back home and announced our engagement, we found out that all our friends had a bet running on whether we’d end up a couple after the trip. Looking back, we probably had feelings for each other for years but were too busy navigating the “forest” of life to see the “trees” right in front of us.

Starting out as best friends has been a huge blessing in our marriage. The deep honesty we’ve always shared has helped us communicate our feelings in a frank but non-aggressive way—something we’re incredibly grateful for as we navigate life together.

I wish there were more stories like this.

 

[Mr. Blue Sky]

I’ve been married for almost 40 years to a man who is quite different from me—something that has been both challenging and rewarding over the years (with plenty of laughs along the way!). I’m an organizer by nature, always analyzing and examining things carefully before making decisions. My husband, on the other hand, is a talented artist who can be wonderfully impulsive.

We’ve known each other since we were about 12 years old and became best friends around the age of 14. As best friends often do, we supported each other through countless teenage and early adult crushes and relationships. Our friendship was built on honesty, so we didn’t shy away from calling each other out, even when one of us had really messed up.

In our early 20s, we decided to take a month-long bike trip through England. Originally, it was meant to be a group of four, but two friends dropped out at the last minute. That left just the two of us—sharing a tent and already knowing each other almost as well as an old married couple. Needless to say, the rest is history!

Fun fact: When we got back home and announced our engagement, we found out that all our friends had a bet running on whether we’d end up a couple after the trip. Looking back, we probably had feelings for each other for years but were too busy navigating the “forest” of life to see the “trees” right in front of us.

Starting out as best friends has been a huge blessing in our marriage. The deep honesty we’ve always shared has helped us communicate our feelings in a frank but non-aggressive way—something we’re incredibly grateful for as we navigate life together.

That’s beautiful .

 

[Madmarsha]

Had a co worker who divorced after a long marriage and he said one of the things he enjoys most about being single again is farting in bed

“If I have to let one rip, I let it rip, and rip it loud”

I guess the moral of the story is find joy in the little things

I'mma need your coworker to tell my husband that married men aren't supposed to fart in bed.

 

[Madmarsha]

I have plenty of fun by myself.

Unless someone walks in on me

You notice how we're all just ..... not touching this.

 

[UncleTrvlingJim]

You notice how we're all just ..... not touching this.

I think that's the problem.

 

[Icon]

I wish there were more stories like this.

There are a few out there that are pleasantly surprising.

I graduated HS with a girl who met her boyfriend / future husband in 8th grade (he attended another school, but wasn't very far away and was also an 8th grader). Shortly after graduation, they got married. To be clear, this was not one of those "she's pregnant, so let's rush to get married" types of things. He began working, and she attended/finished college and began working before any kids would eventually come along.

Whether it was 8th grade and the four years of HS that followed.....or the marriage..... I have never heard any stories of them breaking up and getting back together, or separating, etc.

I don't interact with either of them regularly, so it's certainly possible I could have missed some major news items, but for all intents and purposes....it seems like they may as well have been married since they were 13 and somehow have made it work.

 

[Mr. Blue Sky]

There are a few out there that are pleasantly surprising.

I graduated HS with a girl who met her boyfriend / future husband in 8th grade (he attended another school, but wasn't very far away and was also an 8th grader). Shortly after graduation, they got married. To be clear, this was not one of those "she's pregnant, so let's rush to get married" types of things. He began working, and she attended/finished college and began working before any kids would eventually come along.

Whether it was 8th grade and the four years of HS that followed.....or the marriage..... I have never heard any stories of them breaking up and getting back together, or separating, etc.

I don't interact with either of them regularly, so it's certainly possible I could have missed some major news items, but for all intents and purposes....it seems like they may as well have been married since they were 13 and somehow have made it work.

I have an aunt and uncle who got pregnant when she was 15, and he was 17 .. they got married b/c of course that is what you did in small town Louisiana in the early 1970s…. And as it turns out, they are still together like 50 yrs later and they are one of the very VERY few examples i have seen in my life of something resembling a solid marriage .

 

[Nisey55]

Sorry for what you're going through Guido,it's a tough road to navigate. Glad you reached out to us, this board is often my therapy and I appreciate everyone here and the support we lend each other.
I could write a book on this subject and I am sure many of us could.
Based on my beliefs and experiences I don't think finding your life partner is just happenstance. Married 34 years, both of our 2nd marriage. We both had been cheated on. I was my mid 20s, dating a dear old friend who loved me and I should have felt the same way but there was something missing for me. Then he asked me to marry him. I finally took a hard look at myself and thought that I was too damaged to love anyone again. I broke it off with him, realizing I was hurting him by staying. I asked God (I was raised in a strict Catholic home but naturally grew away as we do in our youth, but still believed that God exists) anyway, asked if I would ever love anyone again.
About 2 weeks later I accidentally met a guy in a crowded bar. Instant attraction to each other. He was newly separated with a young daughter, he had finally had enough of her running around on him, his self esteem was very low, mine too. I fell for him like a brick thrown out the window. I realized that I had never Really loved before. It was rocky for a while as he worked through the divorce, I was past mine by then. I was patient with him, not my usual self but it came naturally with him. We married a year and a half later. I have always believed that we were gifts given to each other by someone much bigger than us. Marriage is hard and it's not for everyone. We agree and accept that we will be together to the end. We are opposite personalities but enjoy the same things. 2024 was our toughest year, I have a back issue that has basically rendered us roommates, intimacy wise. Throw in a total hysterectomy that steals the last hormone I had left. To say the least my husband is a saint. Laughing has been essential, as is reminding oneself to be grateful for the other. If we were 15 years younger I don't know if we would have made through a 2024, aging seems to solidify a marriage, if there is enough love there.
I've been too long winded, time to let y'all off the hook. I wish the best to you who are struggling, you have friends here if you want to talk.

 

[Dago]

You notice how we're all just ..... not touching this.

Speak for yourself