clearing the deck - the marriage status thread (1 Viewer)

[Booker]

Nope 7 times. Lying, cheating, drugs ruin a marriage.

Reminds me of a musician who was on Conan one time being asked about his recent fourth marriage, saying (without a hint of sarcasm) "I'm not afraid to love."

But from the other side, if you're about to be spouse number 4, 5, 6, etc., how do you fool yourself into thinking that "I'm gonna be the one" he/she sticks with?

 

[Booker]

My wife farts in bed. That's all the permission I need, yeah. Double Dutch ovens are a thing, lol.

If you can't fart in front of your partner it's not a real relationship.

 

[2009ring]

My wife farts in bed. That's all the permission I need, yeah. Double Dutch ovens are a thing, lol.

Our rule is that it can't be in her direction, has to be aimed the other way.

 

[buzd]

Our rule is that it can't be in her direction, has to be aimed the other way.

Rules are made to be broken.

 

[2009ring]

Rules are made to be broken.

What happens when she's asleep doesn't have to concern her

 

[Madmarsha]

If you can't fart in front of your partner it's not a real relationship.

What's the definition of "can't"? Like if it's, You will absolutely never ever fart in front of me or it's over? I would agree it's unreasonable and untenable.

If "can't" is more like, Can you, please, try not to fart in front of me so often because at this point it seems like you're doing it on purpose?, that's just inconsiderate to not find another room to fart in.

 

[Tapxe]

100% - though he was living in one of those temporary furnished apartments, the fact that they had not yet sold their house and he didn't have a permanent place of his own leads me to believe that there was still possibility for reconciliation.

The other thing I picked up on when we were talking is that he claims he was totally blindsided and there were no issues in the marriage & that the wife just felt like he was being too hard on their son & this was the reason for the split. I'm like yeah no, you don't have teenagers and out of nowhere your wife tells you that you're being too hard on your son and wants a divorce. Different parenting styles would have been identified long ago. Also said when she blindsided him with the trial separation that she was like "we need to go to therapy" and he was all"whoa wait where is this coming from?" and he said that she told him that the therapist helped her to realize a bunch of things and he felt that the therapist was the one driving her towards divorce.

So, while I didn't ask because I was already overwhelmed with the amount of details and over-sharing he was doing on a second date (while supposedly "over it" and "ready to move on") and convinced that this was never going to work with him and me, I got the impression that he didn't go to therapy so she was going alone. So it's like well no wonder the therapist guided her towards divorce. One person can't be doing all the work while you're in denial that your marriage even had problems. Even if you didn't think you did, which I don't believe for a second, once she said there was and that she wanted help with the issues, he was made aware that there were issues.

The other thing is that there's always 2 sides. I only ever got his.

I'm going to take you to task on this.

It's 100% possible to be in a relationship where the wife does not communicate and values around the kids changed in her mind but she never told him. I've been thru that so ur assumptions are simply that assumptions in my opinion.

From my pov and possibly his, you decided u knew everything about the man and got turned off because he was willing to be vulnerable. Men don't get a whole lot of help figuring out emotions and we do it much differently than women. He got judgement and rejection in a difficult time.

My therapist would ask me if I self-sabotaged by not even giving someone a chance to prove who they are and who they are becoming. I mean, here's a person willing to be open and honest with me and rather than communicate I projected my insecurities on them instead of opening up and connecting to that vulnerability. Was I the one not ready to move forward?

 

[Madmarsha]

Reminds me of a musician who was on Conan one time being asked about his recent fourth marriage, saying (without a hint of sarcasm) "I'm not afraid to love."

I'm not sure I heard that exact thing but I know I've heard other men say something like that (heck, it could have even been a line in a TV show or something), and the fact that it's being said in seriousness is all kinds of messed up and indicates that, no, you are not gonna be "the one".

 

[Dago]

Rules are made to be broken.

Besides.....farts are like subwoofers. Mostly omnidirectional in a room

 

[DaveXA]

Besides.....farts are like subwoofers. Mostly omnidirectional in a room

Pshh, I fart in your general direction.

 

[CapitalCitySaint]

So he claims to have not seen anything coming and then indirectly insults his wife by blaming the therapist as though his wife doesn't have her own mind. Dude is so, so, SO far away from seeing, let alone admitting, his own faults, at the least (didn't even get to see what deeper issues he may have outside of mere faults).


Wait, you mean you're not going to date him for, say, another six months to a year to "give him a chance" even though you've already clearly identified red flags that indicate this man is not serious relationship material? Sadly, the next woman he dates probably will do just that and he will never be forced to grow up.

No m’am. At my big age, I will not be sticking around to fix anybody or wait for them to deal with things that should have been resolved before meeting me. I know healing is a life-long journey and that I get but certain things need to be dealt with before moving on.

I get told by my friends that I am too picky. My response is that I am not ugly, I have a nice career and make good enough money to comfortably support myself, get myself most of the things I want, take myself on several nice vacations every year, etc.

I've done the work. I've done therapy in various forms. I've spent years alone and not even dating/fwb with anyone at various periods in my life. I very much know who I am and what I am looking for in a partner - and my reasons for partnership are no longer centered around some of the more superficial reasons for partnership I was seeking in my late 20's/early-mid 30's.

Most of the people I know who are married settled; mostly *I think* due to superficial things - inability to be alone, societal/familial pressures to be married, subsidizing bills or being taken care of financially, urgency to have kids, etc. They have tolerated a lot of really bad stuff (the list of things is really long & not pertinent to my point) and experience other significant imbalances in their marriage and are really unhappy. Fortunately my best friend of 20 years has a really wonderful marriage between two very committed and practical people and has served as my north star for what I am seeking - and if it isn't that, I don't want it.

I also was listening to a podcast last year where the host was interviewing this behavioral scientist. I can't remember who but he was talking about how dating apps have impacted dating, expectations, etc (people thinking they have endless options and then nothing is ever good enough). He cited a study where employers are looking for a new employee, if they have a stack of resumes of say 100, they get through about 30 resumes before they decide to pick the best out of those 30 candidates.

So the template for dating he laid out was to take your dating history, reflect on your past relationships, identifying the partner who exhibited the most positive qualities & characteristics that best aligned with what you want in a long-term partner and then actively seek someone who shares those traits to build a new relationship upon.

If you have no dating history, you probably should do some of that before settling down. Especially if you married very young.

 

[Optimus Prime]

Had a co worker who divorced after a long marriage and he said one of the things he enjoys most about being single again is farting in bed

“If I have to let one rip, I let it rip, and rip it loud”

I guess the moral of the story is find joy in the little things

I'd like to apologize for derailing Guido's sincere, heartfelt thread with a detour to fart city with my post (which to be fair was related to the situation)

That wasn't my intent and hope he doesn't raise a stink about it

If he is upset, I truly hope we can clear the air and make a fresh start

 

[buzd]

I'd like to apologize for derailing Guido's sincere, heartfelt thread with a detour to fart city with my post (which to be fair was related to the situation)

That wasn't my intent and hope he doesn't raise a stink about it

If he is upset, I truly hope we can clear the air and make a fresh start

This is the post you should apologize for.

 

[saintmdterps]

I'm going to take you to task on this.

It's 100% possible to be in a relationship where the wife does not communicate and values around the kids changed in her mind but she never told him. I've been thru that so ur assumptions are simply that assumptions in my opinion.

From my pov and possibly his, you decided u knew everything about the man and got turned off because he was willing to be vulnerable. Men don't get a whole lot of help figuring out emotions and we do it much differently than women. He got judgement and rejection in a difficult time.

My therapist would ask me if I self-sabotaged by not even giving someone a chance to prove who they are and who they are becoming. I mean, here's a person willing to be open and honest with me and rather than communicate I projected my insecurities on them instead of opening up and connecting to that vulnerability. Was I the one not ready to move forward?

I hear what you're saying, but I agree 100% with CCS. From what I gather the guy was asking her on only the second date. "How do you feel about us?" "Too soon to answer but we can revisit once you're actually divorced and free to pursue a new relationship" would be my response. At least he was honest about where he is regarding his relationship with his ex, so there's that. CCS was then honest with him regarding her feelings about his current position.

CCS decided she did know enough about him to not risk getting into a relationship with someone with those red flags. It's a fair choice and she didn't want to take the chance of being hurt. I think it's safe to say that on the second date you don't know each other well enough to decide anything, except whether or not there should be a third date. Early on my separation I met a woman with whom there was mutual interest. "Nothing happens until you're divorced. I went down that road before and got burned by the reconciliation that was never going to happen" I understood completely. We're still friends.

It's not her job to help him navigate the process that leads to his divorce. Here where I live we have the Family Law Resource Center, which is operated free of charge by the state of Maryland and they will hold your hand (like they're holding mine) and get you through the process of filing the necessary paperwork. I cannot and would not help anyone through their custody and division of marital property issues by the second date. I don't know enough about their life and it's not my ******* business this early in the game.

We can be cool, date, be friends, even FWB if appropriate, but we're not getting into anything serious until that divorce is final. In Maryland it takes about 2 weeks if both parties agree. Cost is $165.00

It's going to take me a bit longer because my ex is fighting me on division of property. Fine. I filed and the state will order mediation. We will abide by the mediator's decision.

 

[saintmdterps]

I'd like to apologize for derailing Guido's sincere, heartfelt thread with a detour to fart city with my post (which to be fair was related to the situation)

That wasn't my intent and hope he doesn't raise a stink about it

If he is upset, I truly hope we can clear the air and make a fresh start

I'm sure all your problems will be behind you, and everything will turn out fine in the end.