clearing the deck - the marriage status thread (3 Viewers)

[Mr. Sparkle]

My wife and I both came from divorced families and both carried a healthy skepticism of the institution into our marriage (which only occurred after 5 years of dating and after we were at or near 30). We've been married for 25 years and I say with all honesty that I can't believe she hasn't divorced me for some of the stupid sheet I've done - no infidelity, but just dumb stuff that made our lives so much harder than necessary (financially, emotionally, etc.).

I'm currently on Day 8 of quitting drinking, something necessitated by my doing some really (drunk) stupid sheet on Christmas Night. This comes after more than a few similar episodes over the last few years. As recently as this weekend I was very concerned I was going to be tossed out of the house - and with plenty of good reason. Under a different set of circumstances, I think she would've. I know she carries a lot of regrets, lots of them centered around pumping the brakes on her own career to be at home more when our kids were little (now 22 and 20). We are now empty nest and that's a whole other challenge. But as of now we are sticking it out and I am hoping that I can get my own sheet together enough to hold up my end of the marriage for the back end of our time together.

She was my best friend before we started dating and we've been through a lot together. I'm incredibly grateful - when I go through any of the thought exercises that come with sobriety, she is the 'higher power' and/or primary motivation that's driving it. On my own I'd be toast.

 

[2009ring]

My wife and I both came from divorced families and both carried a healthy skepticism of the institution into our marriage (which only occurred after 5 years of dating and after we were at or near 30). We've been married for 25 years and I say with all honesty that I can't believe she hasn't divorced me for some of the stupid sheet I've done - no infidelity, but just dumb stuff that made our lives so much harder than necessary (financially, emotionally, etc.).

I'm currently on Day 8 of quitting drinking, something necessitated by my doing some really (drunk) stupid sheet on Christmas Night. This comes after more than a few similar episodes over the last few years. As recently as this weekend I was very concerned I was going to be tossed out of the house - and with plenty of good reason. Under a different set of circumstances, I think she would've. I know she carries a lot of regrets, lots of them centered around pumping the brakes on her own career to be at home more when our kids were little (now 22 and 20). We are now empty nest and that's a whole other challenge. But as of now we are sticking it out and I am hoping that I can get my own sheet together enough to hold up my end of the marriage for the back end of our time together.

She was my best friend before we started dating and we've been through a lot together. I'm incredibly grateful - when I go through any of the thought exercises that come with sobriety, she is the 'higher power' and/or primary motivation that's driving it. On my own I'd be toast.

This x 1000000.

While I don't have the drinking issue I have plenty of my own and I have to say after being married 20+ years I am pretty lucky even though I refuse to see it half the time.

 

[Dago]

My wife and I both came from divorced families and both carried a healthy skepticism of the institution into our marriage (which only occurred after 5 years of dating and after we were at or near 30). We've been married for 25 years and I say with all honesty that I can't believe she hasn't divorced me for some of the stupid sheet I've done - no infidelity, but just dumb stuff that made our lives so much harder than necessary (financially, emotionally, etc.).

I'm currently on Day 8 of quitting drinking, something necessitated by my doing some really (drunk) stupid sheet on Christmas Night. This comes after more than a few similar episodes over the last few years. As recently as this weekend I was very concerned I was going to be tossed out of the house - and with plenty of good reason. Under a different set of circumstances, I think she would've. I know she carries a lot of regrets, lots of them centered around pumping the brakes on her own career to be at home more when our kids were little (now 22 and 20). We are now empty nest and that's a whole other challenge. But as of now we are sticking it out and I am hoping that I can get my own sheet together enough to hold up my end of the marriage for the back end of our time together.

She was my best friend before we started dating and we've been through a lot together. I'm incredibly grateful - when I go through any of the thought exercises that come with sobriety, she is the 'higher power' and/or primary motivation that's driving it. On my own I'd be toast.

You got this bro. Hope you know you got all of EE behind you

 

[Sun Wukong]

I meant to address this earlier. I think there's absolutely nothing wrong with being comfortable being alone, and I wish more people would find that comfort. But I wanted to push back on you being of limited social value. I'm not entirely sure what context you meant that - but it struck me the way I see some people talking about "high value males" etc. Which I think is bullshirt.

First, I really enjoy reading your posts on this board, and find that you add definite value to this part of society. I believe you're also a teacher, and your overall posts makes me believe you are probably a considerate teacher who is helping his students become better versions of themselves, which is of tremendous social value.

I hope I'm not overstepping, and I don't want to diminish the reality that some people do have a harder time finding companionship, and that society does value certain things over others. But it's a big world, and there are tons of butt crevasses out there that make the world worse, and I don't think you are one of those - which already puts you in the "adding value to the world" in my camp.

Thanks, I genuinely appreciate that.

Self-worth has been something I've struggled with for most of my life. I'm not happy with where it's led me and I try to work on it. Always hope one day it'll click for me.

 

[Dago]

Thanks, I genuinely appreciate that.

Self-worth has been something I've struggled with for most of my life. I'm not happy with where it's led me and I try to work on it. Always hope one day it'll click for me.

 

[DaveXA]

I'mma need your coworker to tell my husband that married men aren't supposed to fart in bed.

My wife farts in bed. That's all the permission I need, yeah. Double Dutch ovens are a thing, lol.

 

[Icon]

I'm currently on Day 8 of quitting drinking, something necessitated by my doing some really (drunk) stupid sheet on Christmas Night.

Congratulations on this.

You are likely doing your health a favor, along with the marriage.

 

[Booker]

Nope 7 times. Lying, cheating, drugs ruin a marriage.

Reminds me of a musician who was on Conan one time being asked about his recent fourth marriage, saying (without a hint of sarcasm) "I'm not afraid to love."

But from the other side, if you're about to be spouse number 4, 5, 6, etc., how do you fool yourself into thinking that "I'm gonna be the one" he/she sticks with?

 

[Booker]

My wife farts in bed. That's all the permission I need, yeah. Double Dutch ovens are a thing, lol.

If you can't fart in front of your partner it's not a real relationship.

 

[2009ring]

My wife farts in bed. That's all the permission I need, yeah. Double Dutch ovens are a thing, lol.

Our rule is that it can't be in her direction, has to be aimed the other way.

 

[buzd]

Our rule is that it can't be in her direction, has to be aimed the other way.

Rules are made to be broken.

 

[2009ring]

Rules are made to be broken.

What happens when she's asleep doesn't have to concern her

 

[Madmarsha]

If you can't fart in front of your partner it's not a real relationship.

What's the definition of "can't"? Like if it's, You will absolutely never ever fart in front of me or it's over? I would agree it's unreasonable and untenable.

If "can't" is more like, Can you, please, try not to fart in front of me so often because at this point it seems like you're doing it on purpose?, that's just inconsiderate to not find another room to fart in.

 

[Tapxe]

100% - though he was living in one of those temporary furnished apartments, the fact that they had not yet sold their house and he didn't have a permanent place of his own leads me to believe that there was still possibility for reconciliation.

The other thing I picked up on when we were talking is that he claims he was totally blindsided and there were no issues in the marriage & that the wife just felt like he was being too hard on their son & this was the reason for the split. I'm like yeah no, you don't have teenagers and out of nowhere your wife tells you that you're being too hard on your son and wants a divorce. Different parenting styles would have been identified long ago. Also said when she blindsided him with the trial separation that she was like "we need to go to therapy" and he was all"whoa wait where is this coming from?" and he said that she told him that the therapist helped her to realize a bunch of things and he felt that the therapist was the one driving her towards divorce.

So, while I didn't ask because I was already overwhelmed with the amount of details and over-sharing he was doing on a second date (while supposedly "over it" and "ready to move on") and convinced that this was never going to work with him and me, I got the impression that he didn't go to therapy so she was going alone. So it's like well no wonder the therapist guided her towards divorce. One person can't be doing all the work while you're in denial that your marriage even had problems. Even if you didn't think you did, which I don't believe for a second, once she said there was and that she wanted help with the issues, he was made aware that there were issues.

The other thing is that there's always 2 sides. I only ever got his.

I'm going to take you to task on this.

It's 100% possible to be in a relationship where the wife does not communicate and values around the kids changed in her mind but she never told him. I've been thru that so ur assumptions are simply that assumptions in my opinion.

From my pov and possibly his, you decided u knew everything about the man and got turned off because he was willing to be vulnerable. Men don't get a whole lot of help figuring out emotions and we do it much differently than women. He got judgement and rejection in a difficult time.

My therapist would ask me if I self-sabotaged by not even giving someone a chance to prove who they are and who they are becoming. I mean, here's a person willing to be open and honest with me and rather than communicate I projected my insecurities on them instead of opening up and connecting to that vulnerability. Was I the one not ready to move forward?