clearing the deck - the marriage status thread (2 Viewers)

[saintmdterps]

so been meaning to write this thread for awhile - not bc I think anyone should care, but bc I respect when posters discuss something vulnerable and (most) other posters engage honestly
my wife and I separated this summer (but seemingly it had been on life support since COVID)
kids split time and have mostly adjusted pretty well - we're about 5 minutes away from each other
we're doing ok - neither are talking divorce (nor are we talking reconciliation)

I guess that's it for now
if you have questions, I will try to answer
if you want to share your own stories, I will read
if you know a guy who has a houseboat, I will listen

Aww man, I'm sorry to hear this. The only advice I would offer is not to stay in this "not talking divorce but not talking reconciliation" realm for too long. If it's truly over, then end it so both of you can move on with your lives. I say this as one who stayed in this realm for 3 years. If you reach a point where you want to date again and it turns more than casual, your marital status can understandably be a stumbling block.

I still thought there was legal separation in Maryland but there is not. The state of Maryland allows separation even if you're still living together under the same roof as long as you both agree to pursue separate lives. This pretty well sums up the last 5 years of my marriage.

Please take care of yourself. Keep up with your hobbies. Also make time to just sit with the sadness, call it what it is and it will pass...after some time.

Good luck to you. We're here if you need to reach out. Peace, brother.

 

[saintmdterps]

I recently went out with a guy a few times. Really nice guy. Ex NFL player (nobody major & this was like 2000-05). Has a great job, still in incredible shape… but he’s going through a divorce and was only 4 months into “the process”, 3 of those 4 months he had spent thinking they were on a trial separation & he would be going home after only to be told a month prior to meeting me that it was not a trial any longer.

they had been together off & on since college and married about 20 years & have some kids. I recall on the 2nd & last date him asking me “so how do you feel about this/us?” And I was like look, it would be remiss to not acknowledge that you are really only 1 month into this after basically being with the same person for the better part of 25 years. There will be a lot of shifting emotions and things to deal with moving forward and a lot of healing - plus you guys haven’t even started the process of dividing up assets and belongings, custody, selling the house. It’s going to get ugly.”

The only thing so far that had been done was that she filed & moved him out. While he has a really good job, I’m 110% sure that she out-earns him by a lot. She’s kind of a big deal. So it’s definitely going to get ugly.

He was trying hard to plead his case that he was over it & ready to move on. That was the moment when I knew I would never see him again. You don’t just get over 25 years with someone in a month & explained to him that accepting that the relationship ended & there would not be reconciliation is not the same thing as being “over it” and also in a good mental space to move on and try to begin a life with someone new.

I called it off because walking a man through his divorce is not my ministry. He’s good looking, articulate & has a great job. I’m sure he will find some woman willing to do that, it just won’t be me.

Nope, wait until those final papers are in hand. Anything else is limbo. Mine would be complete but our son is now battling alcohol addiction and is currently in his 3rd stint in rehab. This has been going on since June 2024. Dumping divorce papers in her lap right now just seems cruel. Then again if we wait until life is hunky-dory, we'll never finalize this.

 

[CapitalCitySaint]

Nope, wait until those final papers are in hand. Anything else is limbo. Mine would be complete but our son is now battling alcohol addiction and is currently in his 3rd stint in rehab. This has been going on since June 2024. Dumping divorce papers in her lap right now just seems cruel. Then again if we wait until life is hunky-dory, we'll never finalize this.

100% - though he was living in one of those temporary furnished apartments, the fact that they had not yet sold their house and he didn't have a permanent place of his own leads me to believe that there was still possibility for reconciliation.

The other thing I picked up on when we were talking is that he claims he was totally blindsided and there were no issues in the marriage & that the wife just felt like he was being too hard on their son & this was the reason for the split. I'm like yeah no, you don't have teenagers and out of nowhere your wife tells you that you're being too hard on your son and wants a divorce. Different parenting styles would have been identified long ago. Also said when she blindsided him with the trial separation that she was like "we need to go to therapy" and he was all"whoa wait where is this coming from?" and he said that she told him that the therapist helped her to realize a bunch of things and he felt that the therapist was the one driving her towards divorce.

So, while I didn't ask because I was already overwhelmed with the amount of details and over-sharing he was doing on a second date (while supposedly "over it" and "ready to move on") and convinced that this was never going to work with him and me, I got the impression that he didn't go to therapy so she was going alone. So it's like well no wonder the therapist guided her towards divorce. One person can't be doing all the work while you're in denial that your marriage even had problems. Even if you didn't think you did, which I don't believe for a second, once she said there was and that she wanted help with the issues, he was made aware that there were issues.

The other thing is that there's always 2 sides. I only ever got his.

 

[Optimus Prime]

Had a co worker who divorced after a long marriage and he said one of the things he enjoys most about being single again is farting in bed

“If I have to let one rip, I let it rip, and rip it loud”

I guess the moral of the story is find joy in the little things

 

[saintmdterps]

100% - though he was living in one of those temporary furnished apartments, the fact that they had not yet sold their house and he didn't have a permanent place of his own leads me to believe that there was still possibility for reconciliation.

The other thing I picked up on when we were talking is that he claims he was totally blindsided and there were no issues in the marriage & that the wife just felt like he was being too hard on their son & this was the reason for the split. I'm like yeah no, you don't have teenagers and out of nowhere your wife tells you that you're being too hard on your son and wants a divorce. Different parenting styles would have been identified long ago. Also said when she blindsided him with the trial separation that she was like "we need to go to therapy" and he was all"whoa wait where is this coming from?" and he said that she told him that the therapist helped her to realize a bunch of things and he felt that the therapist was the one driving her towards divorce.

So, while I didn't ask because I was already overwhelmed with the amount of details and over-sharing he was doing on a second date (while supposedly "over it" and "ready to move on") and convinced that this was never going to work with him and me, I got the impression that he didn't go to therapy so she was going alone. So it's like well no wonder the therapist guided her towards divorce. One person can't be doing all the work while you're in denial that your marriage even had problems. Even if you didn't think you did, which I don't believe for a second, once she said there was and that she wanted help with the issues, he was made aware that there were issues.

The other thing is that there's always 2 sides. I only ever got his.

The more people feel the need to tell you they’re over a relationship the less likely they truly are over it. Do they talk about their ex constantly? Do they compare?

There were many things Melissa did that my ex did not do but I only made a point of singling out one to her.

“I love the way you look at me like you’re genuinely glad I’m here” That was lovely after years of being treated like an afterthought. No I’m not over her yet but I’m getting there.

 

[Icon]

unfortunately my response will sound like typical defensiveness, but the only way we would reconcile (that I can see atm) is if my wife did a lot of self-repair
ostensibly she is still carrying a lot of unresolved trauma from her teen years, then with the second child there was a big hormonal shift (that she would admit to) and some (also admitted) perimenopausal changes
i'd hoped/asked for awhile for us to get help, but the trauma stuff has a lot of catch-22 self-sabotaging
like when she's upset she claims that 'we' drifted apart but she is never able to give me any examples of my pulling away from her

(and yes, I understand I'm telling the story so I get to play hero/victim, but she hasn't been able to provide a counter-narrative, so...)

Was there a specific instance where the switch flipped from "things aren't perfect, but name a marriage that is?" to "look, this has to change or I'm out"?

 

[buzd]

Had a co worker who divorced after a long marriage and he said one of the things he enjoys most about being single again is farting in bed

“If I have to let one rip, I let it rip, and rip it loud”

I guess the moral of the story is find joy in the little things

I’m glad my marriage doesn’t have that problem. Neither of us would last a week.

 

[guidomerkinsrules]

Was there a specific instance where the switch flipped from "things aren't perfect, but name a marriage that is?" to "look, this has to change or I'm out"?

No switch - way more the frog in slowly warming water idea

 

[0rion]

Had a co worker who divorced after a long marriage and he said one of the things he enjoys most about being single again is farting in bed

“If I have to let one rip, I let it rip, and rip it loud”

I guess the moral of the story is find joy in the little things

Wait wait wait....you need to be single to do that? I thought it was the other way around.

 

[0rion]

No switch - way more the frog in slowly warming water idea

You know your feelings and situation better than anyone here for sure. Just know that no matter what happens you'll be fine. Easy for me to say I know....but it's true. My experience is that I came out of it stronger and a better person.

 

[DaveXA]

so been meaning to write this thread for awhile - not bc I think anyone should care, but bc I respect when posters discuss something vulnerable and (most) other posters engage honestly
my wife and I separated this summer (but seemingly it had been on life support since COVID)
kids split time and have mostly adjusted pretty well - we're about 5 minutes away from each other
we're doing ok - neither are talking divorce (nor are we talking reconciliation)

I guess that's it for now
if you have questions, I will try to answer
if you want to share your own stories, I will read
if you know a guy who has a houseboat, I will listen

Thank you gmr for this thread. And sorry to read that you're dealing with this. I have noticed that more than a few friends have had a tough go of it since Covid. It really has changed the family dynamics for a lot of people.

As for me, I can say I'm very happily married and on my first marriage going on 27 years. Zero regrets and while we've had our ups and downs, I can honestly say that I've never gotten to a point where I wanted to separate/divorce her. My wife has gotten there a few times several years ago, but lately things have been good in our relationship even in the face of other struggles we've dealt with. I really can't imagine life without her and if ever something happens where we're not together, it's no doubt going to be a challenge adjusting.

I really do appreciate what others have shared here. I definitely can relate.

 

[DaveXA]

So what's the reason for divorce assuming that two people got married in the first place for "the right reasons" (read: both took the vows intending to make an honest go of marriage). When you've gotten married for the "wrong reasons" (got pregnant, to get out of parents' house or some other living situation, wanting to control the other person, etc.), the reason will be apparent. I've no idea how many marriages that would account for. Probably a lot but they aren't the ones I struggle with. Not even the ones where one or both admit to themselves when already in that it was a mistake but you "play it out". And not the ones that suffered the especially poignant trauma of losing a child where I imagine just the individual act of breathing is difficult enough to manage let alone navigating your role as part of a couple.

No, the reasons for divorce that I struggle with are the ones where the parties enter with a good faith "love conquers all" mindset and still end up in a heap because those aren't a small number either. The ones where as sentient human beings we've entered into it "reverently, discreetly, advisedly and soberly" because we know none of us are a perfect clean slate and we all have our own peccadilloes, micro traumas, macro traumas, etc. we bring to the marriage and agree to work through .... and then just don't. 'Cause those ones at least should all work, right?

My wife and I married for what we thought at the time were good reasons and it was because we wanted to be together and we both were deeply religious and both wanted to build a family. Four grown kids later and still happily married after 27 years, we're doing alright.

I can say there have been issues during our marriage that would probably have led to divorces for many if not most couples, but we worked through them.

Having stuck with it as long as we have, I think I get it from my parents. They're still on their first marriage after 56 years. My only sibling is still married to his first wife and they're 26 years in with 2 grown kids.

We've done alright I guess.

 

[Dragon]

I’ve been married for almost 40 years to a man who is quite different from me—something that has been both challenging and rewarding over the years (with plenty of laughs along the way!). I’m an organizer by nature, always analyzing and examining things carefully before making decisions. My husband, on the other hand, is a talented artist who can be wonderfully impulsive.

We’ve known each other since we were about 12 years old and became best friends around the age of 14. As best friends often do, we supported each other through countless teenage and early adult crushes and relationships. Our friendship was built on honesty, so we didn’t shy away from calling each other out, even when one of us had really messed up.

In our early 20s, we decided to take a month-long bike trip through England. Originally, it was meant to be a group of four, but two friends dropped out at the last minute. That left just the two of us—sharing a tent and already knowing each other almost as well as an old married couple. Needless to say, the rest is history!

Fun fact: When we got back home and announced our engagement, we found out that all our friends had a bet running on whether we’d end up a couple after the trip. Looking back, we probably had feelings for each other for years but were too busy navigating the “forest” of life to see the “trees” right in front of us.

Starting out as best friends has been a huge blessing in our marriage. The deep honesty we’ve always shared has helped us communicate our feelings in a frank but non-aggressive way—something we’re incredibly grateful for as we navigate life together.

 

[Madmarsha]

..... he claims he was totally blindsided and there were no issues in the marriage .....she told him that the therapist helped her to realize a bunch of things and he felt that the therapist was the one driving her towards divorce.

So he claims to have not seen anything coming and then indirectly insults his wife by blaming the therapist as though his wife doesn't have her own mind. Dude is so, so, SO far away from seeing, let alone admitting, his own faults, at the least (didn't even get to see what deeper issues he may have outside of mere faults).

So, while I didn't ask because I was already overwhelmed with the amount of details and over-sharing he was doing on a second date (while supposedly "over it" and "ready to move on") and convinced that this was never going to work with him and me ....

Wait, you mean you're not going to date him for, say, another six months to a year to "give him a chance" even though you've already clearly identified red flags that indicate this man is not serious relationship material? Sadly, the next woman he dates probably will do just that and he will never be forced to grow up.

 

[Madmarsha]

I’ve been married for almost 40 years to a man who is quite different from me—something that has been both challenging and rewarding over the years (with plenty of laughs along the way!). I’m an organizer by nature, always analyzing and examining things carefully before making decisions. My husband, on the other hand, is a talented artist who can be wonderfully impulsive.

We’ve known each other since we were about 12 years old and became best friends around the age of 14. As best friends often do, we supported each other through countless teenage and early adult crushes and relationships. Our friendship was built on honesty, so we didn’t shy away from calling each other out, even when one of us had really messed up.

In our early 20s, we decided to take a month-long bike trip through England. Originally, it was meant to be a group of four, but two friends dropped out at the last minute. That left just the two of us—sharing a tent and already knowing each other almost as well as an old married couple. Needless to say, the rest is history!

Fun fact: When we got back home and announced our engagement, we found out that all our friends had a bet running on whether we’d end up a couple after the trip. Looking back, we probably had feelings for each other for years but were too busy navigating the “forest” of life to see the “trees” right in front of us.

Starting out as best friends has been a huge blessing in our marriage. The deep honesty we’ve always shared has helped us communicate our feelings in a frank but non-aggressive way—something we’re incredibly grateful for as we navigate life together.

I wish there were more stories like this.