Im 35 years old and live with my 81 year old grandmother (1 Viewer)

[UncleTrvlingJim]

Every now and then I'm reminded of why I love this board so much. You people are great.

 

[Madmarsha]

I know it's not in the spirit of the thread, but a goal without a timeline/deadline is just wishful thinking.

If your goal doesn't have a target date, you'll never know if you hit it or not.

30-something-year-old me would probably agree with you. "Slightly" older me says, Eh, I have a different perspective now.

And that's the problem we have at every age we attain, right? If only I had known this when I was 10. 20. 30. When I was in high school, before I got married, et cetera, et cetera.

 

[CapitalCitySaint]

I know it's not in the spirit of the thread, but a goal without a timeline/deadline is just wishful thinking.

If your goal doesn't have a target date, you'll never know if you hit it or not.

In this particular topic (where a person is in life), having a goal of being married and incorporated with a timeline of “by x age”, has caused a lot of unhappy and failed marriages.

Or a goal of having children then layered with “by x age” has caused a lot of people to procreate with people they probably shouldn’t have procreated with and often at a time they weren’t really ready to procreate.

Weaving a particular timeline in some of these goals is really a bad idea.

If we’re talking about other things like buying a house, traveling to a certain place, going skydiving, etc. Then yeah, setting a timeline is probably imperative to achieving those goals.

 

[Madmarsha]

In this particular topic (where a person is in life), having a goal of being married and incorporated with a timeline of “by x age”, has caused a lot of unhappy and failed marriages.

Or a goal of having children then layered with “by x age” has caused a lot of people to procreate with people they probably shouldn’t have procreated with and often at a time they weren’t really ready to procreate.

Weaving a particular timeline in some of these goals is really a bad idea.

 

[Rickboy]

There are a lot of hard working people in the same situation. I think it’s becoming even more common with super inflated home values and rents.

IMO, you might feel this way because you’re not thinking of your situation as part of your plan. You’re saving for the chance to buy a home. Build on that. Set all of your financial and life goals and then build as detailed a plan as you can. If you’re leveraging your living situation towards those goals, then you may not feel as much like a loser.

IMO, from a girlfriend perspective, you look better in your current situation as long as you have a good plan to move your life forward. My wife told me that one of the big reasons she wanted a relationship with me was because I had a plan for my life. She has been justly rewarded for that.

 

[mjcouvi]

In this particular topic (where a person is in life), having a goal of being married and incorporated with a timeline of “by x age”, has caused a lot of unhappy and failed marriages.

Or a goal of having children then layered with “by x age” has caused a lot of people to procreate with people they probably shouldn’t have procreated with and often at a time they weren’t really ready to procreate.

Weaving a particular timeline in some of these goals is really a bad idea.

If we’re talking about other things like buying a house, traveling to a certain place, going skydiving, etc. Then yeah, setting a timeline is probably imperative to achieving those goals.

This. Timelines are for things like "I will save x amount of money by x time." Having timelines related to things like relationships and kids seems like definitely a bad idea. But I guess if you're a woman and you want to birth your own kids there is a built in timeline.

 

[brandon8283]

Yea I pretty much agree with the separation of marriage/family goals from financial/housing goals. I think that’s a pretty good line to draw.

I think though that setting some concrete financial goals, with timelines, could be beneficial in getting those more “organic” goals like marriage and family to happen. Also, for someone who feels physically unattractive, some concrete health goals will go a long way towards improving attractiveness, as well.

I think for people in the OP’s situation, it’s important not just to commiserate, but also to provide ideas for concrete steps to take that can improve the situation. You can only control what you can control...but there ARE things you can control.

 

[guidomerkinsrules]

30-something-year-old me would probably agree with you. "Slightly" older me says, Eh, I have a different perspective now.

And that's the problem we have at every age we attain, right? If only I had known this when I was 10. 20. 30. When I was in high school, before I got married, et cetera, et cetera.

One of my first emails addresses ended with ‘36’ which corresponded to a significant Chinese zodiac date - I made that address in my early 30s figuring 36 would be more than enough time to start on wife/family.
In reality 36 wasn’t even a speed bump and I didn’t start family until I was nearly 40

 

[CapitalCitySaint]

This. Timelines are for things like "I will save x amount of money by x time." Having timelines related to things like relationships and kids seems like definitely a bad idea. But I guess if you're a woman and you want to birth your own kids there is a built in timeline.

Yeah. This is true. I’ve witnessed a lot of women I know start doing some really stupid & crazy shirt as they neared or passed 40 and had not yet had children.

I won’t go into details because I could write a trilogy but I’ll just say that the end result was usually one of two things - forcing a relationship quickly with someone they would have probably not gotten serious with if they weren’t rushing to have a kid - or - running through a ton of dakkk.

Sometimes I think about my life & wished that I had waited until I was more mature and financially stable to get married & have a child but when I see my peers doing this, I’m like “whew. Glad that’s not me at ~40 when we *should* know better.” Kinda judgy on my part, which I acknowledge.

I have a good friend who used to be part of my running group in Texas. He’s 52, a really nice guy with a great career, etc. He met his now wife through our mutual friend back in 2016. They got married last year. She just turned 38 in October 2021. He always wanted a family and at one point thought it may not happen for him, then he met her. She’s 100% his equal and despite their age difference, it was not any kind of weird gold digger/sugar daddy situation or getting together out of desperation/timelines on either end.

Anyway, their baby is due in July. Most of my guy friends would never want a baby at 52 but for him it’s something he always wanted and the universe provided him with a great partner that he could make it happen with.

 

[guidomerkinsrules]

I'm in a similar boat. I'm about to have to move back in with a family member due to rent prices having far outpaced my salary.

I struggle with a lot of the same things you discuss. I feel like I've failed at starting a life for myself. I look at everyone else in my age cohort and feel far behind them financially, romantically, etc. I'm in my late 30's and feel like I'll never be able to own a home, or have a family, or even be financially secure. I have severe anxiety issues over all of this. The other day I had a terrible panic attack in the middle of the afternoon that was triggered by all of this. I've been having them more frequently in general. Have even been having them at work, which is inconvenient when you're a teacher.

I've struggled with the idea that my mom died disappointed in me. This was never said and my therapist says it's me projecting my own disappointment with myself onto the situation, which is probably accurate. But it's still there.

I go through bouts of improvement and positivity. Things will seem better for a while. Then I get bogged down focusing on things I feel I have no real control over: being physically unattractive, having a horrible voice, embarrassment at my teeth that I don't have the means to correct, etc. And then I spiral again.

I've had a terrible few years. I think for a long time I clinged to the hope of "It'll work out," and now here I am on the wrong side of 38 and nothing has really worked out.

Sorry to focus on this little detail, but don’t you be live in north north Louisiana?
And you’re saying that rents are out of control even there?!?
That seems like a not great sign

 

[guidomerkinsrules]

Yeah. This is true. I’ve witnessed a lot of women I know start doing some really stupid & crazy shirt as they neared or passed 40 and had not yet had children.

I won’t go into details because I could write a trilogy but I’ll just say that the end result was usually one of two things - forcing a relationship quickly with someone they would have probably not gotten serious with if they weren’t rushing to have a kid - or - running through a ton of dakkk.

Sometimes I think about my life & wished that I had waited until I was more mature and financially stable to get married & have a child but when I see my peers doing this, I’m like “whew. Glad that’s not me at ~40 when we *should* know better.” Kinda judgy on my part, which I acknowledge.

I have a good friend who used to be part of my running group in Texas. He’s 52, a really nice guy with a great career, etc. He met his now wife through our mutual friend back in 2016. They got married last year. She just turned 38 in October 2021. He always wanted a family and at one point thought it may not happen for him, then he met her. She’s 100% his equal and despite their age difference, it was not any kind of weird gold digger/sugar daddy situation or getting together out of desperation/timelines on either end.

Anyway, their baby is due in July. Most of my guy friends would never want a baby at 52 but for him it’s something he always wanted and the universe provided him with a great partner that he could make it happen with.

I’ve told this story before, but my first class that I taught at university consisted of only freshman women
One day the conversation led us to ‘wedding books’
When I asked they said it was where they mapped out their weddings (in elaborate detail)
Pressing for further details most said they started them when they were about 11-12
I asked if they’d had boyfriends at the time or if the idea of husbands ever entered the equation
It was at that time when I became less human in their eyes and more like some strange pod creature who asked really dumb questions

 

[CapitalCitySaint]

Yea I pretty much agree with the separation of marriage/family goals from financial/housing goals. I think that’s a pretty good line to draw.

I think though that setting some concrete financial goals, with timelines, could be beneficial in getting those more “organic” goals like marriage and family to happen. Also, for someone who feels physically unattractive, some concrete health goals will go a long way towards improving attractiveness, as well.

I think for people in the OP’s situation, it’s important not just to commiserate, but also to provide ideas for concrete steps to take that can improve the situation. You can only control what you can control...but there ARE things you can control.

Yeah. People who really want those things start dating intentionally and having the rest of their lives sorted so that the right things can fall into place.

It really is true that you have to take care of yourself & your needs first. If you aren’t good on your own, you’re not going to be good with someone else but don’t confuse that with perfect because none of us has it all figured out or don’t have things we have to deal with. But awareness of those things + being proactive to get them sorted out is important.

In today’s culture - especially with dating apps & online stuff, there’s quantity but not a lot of quality & some (most) people, really don’t know how to be alone. Even the people I know who claim to be ‘alone’ are still usually secretly (or not so secretly)hooking up with one or multiple people while they are ‘looking for the one’.

 

[Madmarsha]

One day the conversation led us to ‘wedding books’
When I asked they said it was where they mapped out their weddings (in elaborate detail)
Pressing for further details most said they started them when they were about 11-12
I asked if they’d had boyfriends at the time or if the idea of husbands ever entered the equation
It was at that time when I became less human in their eyes and more like some strange pod creature who asked really dumb questions

I never had a hope chest but when I was mid 20s -- not dating anyone seriously, not engaged -- I would occasionally pick up an issue of those big honking brides magazines filled with pictures and pictures and pictures of wedding dresses. I felt so dumb for doing it but I couldn't help my wedding dress fever.

 

[Sun Wukong]

Sorry to focus on this little detail, but don’t you be live in north north Louisiana?
And you’re saying that rents are out of control even there?!?
That seems like a not great sign

It's all relative, of course. They're not astronomical like they are in NOLA or BR or wherever, but I'm also making significantly less money than if I worked in a larger district, so a completely unexceptional one bedroom apartment is still like 40% of my take home pay.

By the time my rent and bills are paid, I have almost nothing left over. Inflation/rent hikes have obliterated me.

 

[DCSaints_Fan]

My older brother is 50. Makes in the high $100k/year. Dates a gorgeous Latin American woman. Lives with my Mom.