Young couple goes on van tour of US, boy comes back with van - no girl (2 Viewers)

[HoustonSaint68]

I am having a thought. I love all of you guys here. But this discussion brings up the thought of me wondering if there are men here on this message board (not necessarily in this thread) who have abused just thinking about what the statistics are. And, okay, maybe not here because you're all great; but I also wonder sometimes about just the people we come across either in our worklife or church life or gym life, etc., etc. You KNOW we all know someone who abuses we just don't know it and sometimes I just look around like maybe at a restaurant and think, Which one of you is it? I've had the thought when in a group of woman because I know the statistic is 1 in 4. So if I'm in a random group of, say, over 20 women I know there has to be at least 1 or 2 cos I know it's not me.

Tell me if this counts: almost 40 years ago, my ex and I had been arguing for a couple of hours when finally I unilaterally call it quits well after midnight. She wants to keep arguing but I ignore her because I have to get up for work at 4, so I go to sleep. She waits until I actually fall asleep and then throws a full glass of cold water straight in my face. I come out of the bed like a jack-in-the-box, grab her by the arms and push (not shove or hurl) her against the wall before I fully wake up and let her go, and just get ready and head to work early.

Just kidding — mind you, that is actually what happened but I don’t need anyone to tell me that I showed incredible restraint for a 20 year old. My point actually is that, no matter what the provocation, there’s no excuse for physical abuse. You walk away.

Btw, she’s freshly on husband #4 now. Meanwhile, my wife and I are in year 34, and I have no doubt if I ever laid a finger on her she’d be out the door and not look back.

 

[guidomerkinsrules]

I am having a thought. I love all of you guys here. But this discussion brings up the thought of me wondering if there are men here on this message board (not necessarily in this thread) who have abused just thinking about what the statistics are. And, okay, maybe not here because you're all great; but I also wonder sometimes about just the people we come across either in our worklife or church life or gym life, etc., etc. You KNOW we all know someone who abuses we just don't know it and sometimes I just look around like maybe at a restaurant and think, Which one of you is it? I've had the thought when in a group of woman because I know the statistic is 1 in 4. So if I'm in a random group of, say, over 20 women I know there has to be at least 1 or 2 cos I know it's not me.

In college I had a - what would now be described as a toxic relationship - with a young woman. There was a party at our house (maybe 4 other roommates at the time), she pulled me into our room to fuss at me about something about the party. She was getting pretty heated, I was drunk and did not want to be yelled at anymore so I turned to walk away. She grabbed my elbow to pull me back and I just spun and pushed her without even realizing it
i got pretty disgusted with myself and we just stayed in the room after that
thats the only time I’ve ever ‘laid hands’ on a woman (but I’ve also never been in a fight with a guy since 5th grade)

and Marsha what I was implying before about the gun is that dealing with DV by coaching girls seems like fixing gun violence by teaching people how to dodge bullets - obviously we want to teach girls/women* how to protect themselves, but stopping someone before the become abusers seems much more effective

..
I never really heard much about DV - aside from anecdotes here and there - until I started teaching (so mid 30s), and I was SHOCKED by how much of it there was, but I only heard about it bc classes were mostly girls feeling safe enough to tell their stories
pretty sure it would have been very effective if, at my all boys high school, we heard stories from victims and then got counseled about warning signs, et al

the * was to acknowledge that DV can and does happen in same sex relationships as well - male, female, et al

 

[Madmarsha]

Tell me if this counts: almost 40 years ago, my ex and I had been arguing for a couple of hours when finally I unilaterally call it quits well after midnight. She wants to keep arguing but I ignore her because I have to get up for work at 4, so I go to sleep. She waits until I actually fall asleep and then throws a full glass of cold water straight in my face. I come out of the bed like a jack-in-the-box, grab her by the arms and push (not shove or hurl) her against the wall before I fully wake up and let her go, and just get ready and head to work early.

Just kidding — mind you, that is actually what happened but I don’t need anyone to tell me that I showed incredible restraint for a 20 year old. My point actually is that, no matter what the provocation, there’s no excuse for physical abuse. You walk away.

Btw, she’s freshly on husband #4 now. Meanwhile, my wife and I are in year 34, and I have no doubt if I ever laid a finger on her she’d be out the door and not look back.

I had gotten angry enough to shove my husband once or twice. Only once did he shove me back and we've never done that again. And once I was having an argument with my husband in the kitchen. I remember having the memory of at one point seeing a knife within arm's length and thinking, Oh, now I know how that happens. So now we never have fights in the kitchen.

 

[Tapxe]

I'll share this here because it's a point which very few consider in my experience.

My sister was two years older than me. She abused me in every way possible from my earliest memory and even before from admissions by my mother. (And I do mean every possible way.) I won't go into the whys etc, for her action or my parents for putting her in charge of me or how she came to be that kind of person.

At any rate, when I was around 16 I'd had enough. I started Tang Soo Do at the age of 10. It wasn't a belt farm. I was 6 years in and still working my way up red. If you know, you know. Our dojo had you fight comparable skilled people weekly. There was sometimes blood, often bruising, and the occasional serious injury. It was serious training. When I finally snapped, I didn't beat her mercilessly as she did to me for at least 10 years. I countered the first few volleys and warned her to leave me alone before I responded.

She ignored the warnings. I don't think she expected the force to her stomach or the side of her head, but she didn't get up fast and she never came at me again. I've always harbored some shame for that. Like I should have walked away. But you can only avoid a bully for so long. Bullies can be either sex and they prey on the weaker until stopped. This is the only time I've ever had an outside of the ring physical altercation with a female. You can judge me if you want, but I applied enough force to stop the attacks and stopped. She wouldn't have ever stopped unless I had.

Point being, women can abuse men too.

 

[Madmarsha]

and Marsha what I was implying before about the gun is that dealing with DV by coaching girls seems like fixing gun violence by teaching people how to dodge bullets - obviously we want to teach girls/women* how to protect themselves, but stopping someone before the become abusers seems much more effective

Now I understand. I think what I'm saying here isn't hitting the mark. I've said it other places about wanting to "educate" young woman and got accused of victim blaming. That's not what it means. And it also doesn't mean, well, we just let "boys be boys", I just didn't mention "educating" boys. But I also don't know who the hell I think should do this "educating".

I think it's a much deeper desire to engender self sufficiency, self esteem -- and, yes, "empowerment" -- that the world seems to want to stifle in women. And if you were modeled abusive relationships growing up to learn how to outgrow it.

Which makes me very lucky I wasn't modeled that. But if I had been, does that mean "doomed" to repeat it? I've told my example and kizzy has illustrated hers that we're 2 women that just weren't going to stand for that the first time it happens. I want ALL young women to learn this, which is what is behind my statements of "educating women".

 

[Madmarsha]

Point being, women can abuse men too.

I know. And those women use the "knowledge" that it's only men who abuse to their advantage and it's disgusting. I dunno, I guess the only thing I can really do is, 1, not be an abuser myself; and, 2, not be in a relationship with an abuser just because I "love" them esp. when I have other choices and resources. People want to go back and redo what the police did because they want there to be a different outcome and they feel powerless. I think that's how I express that same feeling by wanting there to be "education" to our young people and knowing that's not going to change a thing till we change within ourselves.

PS: I hate your sister

 

[superchuck500]

I'm a lover not a fighter.

 

[Tapxe]

I know. And those women use the "knowledge" that it's only men who abuse to their advantage and it's disgusting. I dunno, I guess the only thing I can really do is, 1, not be an abuser myself; and, 2, not be in a relationship with an abuser just because I "love" them esp. when I have other choices and resources. People want to go back and redo what the police did because they want there to be a different outcome and they feel powerless. I think that's how I express that same feeling by wanting there to be "education" to our young people and knowing that's not going to change a thing till we change within ourselves.

Agreed, it is only when you empower young people with knowledge that they can learn they are being abused. I didn't even know until I left the house. I thought everyone endured that so I just kept my mouth shut.

PS: I hate your sister

Don't bother. I gave up a long time ago. I reached a point of indifference. If I hate then I still care on some level. If I am indifferent I am over it imho.

Besides, I was there. She didn't have it much better than me. I wish I could say I forgive her and I do understand her problems. I've given her every chance, but she still cannot admit what she did and offer an honest apology nor has she changed her behavior. Therefore, she's nothing to me as sad as that is.

 

[Saint_Ward]

I'm a lover not a fighter.

 

[sonicboom]

I had gotten angry enough to shove my husband once or twice. Only once did he shove me back and we've never done that again. And once I was having an argument with my husband in the kitchen. I remember having the memory of at one point seeing a knife within arm's length and thinking, Oh, now I know how that happens. So now we never have fights in the kitchen.

 

[CapitalCitySaint]

And I'm watching it tonight!

 

[not2rich]

Not staying in an abusive relationship. Not being an abuser. The lessons apply to men and women equally - especially the "not being an abuser" part.

 

[Tater]

My wife's first marriage was ended because her husband was abusive. She admitted to me that when we first started dating and started to get serious she would do things just to see what my reaction would be. We would argue but she found out that I would never lay a hand on her. It took a pretty good while before she felt that she would be safe with me. We have been married for 34 years now.

My grand-daughter would bring some of her boyfriends over to our house and when I found the time to be along with him I would tell him that we helped with raising her and that she was my world. I told him if he ever laid a hand on her that I would hunt him down and that I was at the age that spending the rest of my life in prison would not bother me.

For some reason she never dated the same guy for long. She just got married to a guy last year and I have only met him in family gatherings.

I am waiting for the time we can have our man to man talk.

 

[guidomerkinsrules]

My wife's first marriage was ended because her husband was abusive. She admitted to me that when we first started dating and started to get serious she would do things just to see what my reaction would be. We would argue but she found out that I would never lay a hand on her. It took a pretty good while before she felt that she would be safe with me. We have been married for 34 years now.

My grand-daughter would bring some of her boyfriends over to our house and when I found the time to be along with him I would tell him that we helped with raising her and that she was my world. I told him if he ever laid a hand on her that I would hunt him down and that I was at the age that spending the rest of my life in prison would not bother me.

For some reason she never dated the same guy for long. She just got married to a guy last year and I have only met him in family gatherings.

I am waiting for the time we can have our man to man talk.

while it's notable that you want to protect your grandchild, i think your message is a bit convoluted
essentially you're saying "i don't have an issue with violence, i just don't want my kid to be the target"
and i think it's the violence/punishment dynamic that needs to be addressed no the 'identifying the proper target of violence' dynamic

 

[bonnjer]

Might not be anywhere around that Florida reserve area.

Neighbors say they saw Brian Laundrie and his parents leave their Florida home with an attached camper after he returned from his trip with Gabby Petito

Authorities are still searching for Laundrie, who has been missing since last Tuesday and is a person of interest in Petito's death.

www.yahoo.com